Fed Up

I got fed up procrastinating making these tunes so I just recorded them on my laptop camera. They're so bare-bones it's pathetic but you'll get the idea.

It'll take ages to download--please be patient.

Here's another one. Sorry, Windows users, if it doesn't work. Switch, please.

What I Hate About Recipes

Sometimes I go through my voluminous library of cookbooks. It’s not so much an urge for food porn. It’s more like being a musician and reading scores for songs, which I regrettably can’t do (can’t read music). But I read them for sport, for ideas, for mind-fodder. But sometimes I get really annoyed.

I think I have maybe ten books on Indian cooking alone. Some of them are from the U.S. and some are from the U.K. But every single one of them has a different recipe for basmati rice. If at all.

It’s just gross inefficiency on many levels. It’s like you wrote out Brahm’s Fifth but only gave vague directions as to where the sharps should be. But those are the easier ones to parse.

The maddening ones are where they specify, say, 3 ounces of coriander. Three ounces of coriander? What the fuck, I’m supposed to get out my coke scale and weigh the fucking thing? How about a quarter cup?

But what takes the cake is the “5/8ths of a cup of yogurt” for a Cream Cheese Kofta Curry in the cookbook “Complete Indian.” Five-eighths of a cup? Waaah? How about “A little more than half a cup”?

Considering 95% of the world makes dinner with no measuring whatsoever, it seems ridiculous that a cookbook can be published, well, so ridiculously. What the fuck is a medium onion? Please tell me.

And why are there fifty ways to cook basmati rice? Every single cookbook I have has a different formula. Thank god I found mine and now it comes out perfectly every time. Two cups of water for one cup rice? Recipe for a very effective glue.

Lesson: most cookbooks are like the charts for the Beatles that you find in music stores; bogus, simplified instructions that will always produce a mere parody of the real thing.

Restaurant Dreams

I’ve always wanted to have a restaurant, but I’m too chicken (well, maybe that should be rephrased since I became a vegetable).

The setting it all up, the headaches, the long hours, the administration, the bankruptcy . . . no thank you. My temperament is just not there for a restaurant. I get rattled making hamburgers for four. Imagine eight different menu choices for 40!

Nah, I’d always be hanging out in the cooler with a martini.

But what would I want if I did have a restaurant? It would be spicy. That would be the theme. But what cuisine? I’d head for Asian. I dunno, but most of the West has no tradition of spicy cuisine, with the possible exception of Mexico and South America, but we want focus here.

So it would be the cooking of Asia, in all its forms, just reinterepreted by me.

There would just be about 6 items on the menu, but those six items would change, possibly weekly, à-la Chez Panisse.

There would always be a vegetarian choice. There would always be a “picky-eater” choice. There would always be leeway where kids could request something totally off the menu, say mac and cheese, that Chef would make on the fly.

We’d take requests. Reminds me of the restaurant on St. Laurent (I’ll get the name) that was empty and I was with my son, but Chef literally took requests, using the pasta rosé sauce meant for, well, pasta, and putting it on rice instead, with spectacular results.

We’d be that sort of restaurant.

And another innovation: cunningly, we’d serve all our dishes on banana leaves whenever possible, which seems impossibly exotic, but saves in Palmolive for the dishwasher.

Environmentally friendly, too!

Question: what would tonight’s menu be? Back to you on that.

Insane

I can't believe I'm prepping tomorrow's omelette at 3:37 a.m. Let's just hope it's a late wake-up.

Chop scallions, orange pepper, grate cheeses . . . and this is for two people.

So why is my refrigerator so crowded? Someone needs to come up with fridgepics.com.

Maybe I will . . .

Nick's "New Canadian" Four-Cheese Pasta

I was being prodded to make “Mac ‘n’ Cheese” the other day when I coincidentally stumbled across the post at one of my most favorite food blogs these days and was astonished how close it came to Djou’s recipe.

Of course, I’ve posted noodle recipes on this blog before, but I don’t eat Mac ‘n’ Cheese; I eat Baked Creamy Four-Cheese Pasta.

So, even though I will be only tasting it, not eating it, as I am semi-officially no-wheat (well, I might make an exception this time!) here is the recipe:

Creamy Baked Four-Cheese Pasta

Bread Crumb Topping

1/2 cup Italian-style breadcrumbs
1/2 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1/2 cup whole almonds, ground coarsely
1/4 teaspoon table salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 tablespoon chopped Italian parsley

Vegetables

3 shallots, finely chopped
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
with 2 tablespoons butter

Pasta and Cheese

1 cup 5-year-old grated cheddar cheese
1/2 each cup grated Gruyère, Emmenthal and Maréchal au lait cru cheeses (for the latter an aged Gouda may be substituted)
1 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano
1 pound penne pasta, preferably Barilla penne rigate (thinnest ones you can find)
1 tablespoon table salt
2 tablespoons unsalted butter
2 tablespoons unbleached all-purpose flour
1 cup heavy cream
1 cup 3.5% milk
1 teaspoon Tabasco
1/2 teaspoon table salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper

Method

1. For the topping: Combine all items well. Set mixture aside.

2. Adjust oven rack to middle position and heat oven to 400 degrees.

3. For the pasta: Bring 4 quarts water to rolling boil in stockpot. Combine cheeses in large bowl; set aside. Add pasta and 1 tablespoon salt to boiling water; stir to separate pasta. While pasta is cooking, in a sauté pan, fry the shallots and garlic in about two tablespoons of butter until translucent but be careful not to burn. Remove from pan and set aside.

4. In the same pan, add the two tablespoons flour and butter (always keep the flour/butter ratio equal to produce a good roux) and cook on medium heat until thoroughly combined.

5. Heat the milk/cream mixture in the microwave until hot; add to the pan with the roux. Add the shallot-garlic mixture, stirring often. Finally, add about 3/4 of the cheese and combine well. Add the Tabasco to taste (I like it hot).


6. When pasta is very al dente (when bitten into, pasta should be opaque and slightly underdone at very center), drain about 5 seconds. Flush with cold water to prevent further cooking.

7. Generously butter bottom and sides of 13 x 9 x 2-inch baking dish. Add about 3/4 of prepared breadcrumb mixture to prepared dish. Tilt dish to coat bottom and sides. Return any loose breadcrumb mixture to a container.

8. Put the drained and cool pasta into the baking dish and pour the cream/cheese mixture on top; shake gently to let the mixture settle.


9. Sprinkle the remaining cheese over the top.

10. Now evenly sprinkle the remaining breadcrumb mixture over the whole dish. If there is not enough, either add more breadcrumbs or grate more parmesan. You’ll know what to do.

11. Bake in 350-degree oven, uncovered and watching carefully, until light brown. Cover and lower heat to 300 for about another 20 minutes, watching carefully every five minutes or so. When it’s bubbling around the edges of the pasta, remove the cover and blast it with the broiler for about 3-5 minutes to get a nice crispy crust.

That’s MY Mac ‘n’ Cheese.


PS. I became Canadian today

Bagger Bastard

I once thought of inventing a new comic strip based on a bagger at my neighbourhood Metro grocery store. It was to be a composite of all the baggers (or is that buggers?) because it always seemed that when I got to the cash and started unloading my groceries they would either start helping the neighbouring cashier bag or suddenly decided to go collect carts.

And I'd be left holding the bag, so to speak. I think it has a certain charm, don't you? Maybe I should continue it . . .

Sorry to Cross-Pollinate . . .

. . . but . . .