The voices told me to sharpen my knives.
Saturday, October 10, 2009
Mean
Brigitte is mean. She wants to take my foof chair away from me. She says it occupies too much space in the bedroom and we never use it.
I like my foof chair.
She wants to take it away from me. She's mean. I like to watch Nascar while eating carrots and onion dip and drinking Boréale Cuivrée in my foof chair. That's all going to go away if she takes away my foof chair.
She's mean to me.
I like my foof chair.
She wants to take it away from me. She's mean. I like to watch Nascar while eating carrots and onion dip and drinking Boréale Cuivrée in my foof chair. That's all going to go away if she takes away my foof chair.
She's mean to me.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The Sultan Responds
Someone actually responded to my post by the Sultan of Brunei on "Men Seeking Women" on craigslist.
Here's the exchange:
=========================================
Dear
Allahu Akhbar,
Titles do not sway me either way since I had one from birth but never used it. I find it silly in todays world to use titles as they do not achieve anything nor give you something back.
I am very happy for you that you have so many wives and you are pleased with them. And since I do not play bridge I would be absolutely no good to you.
As for the swimming pools you can only use one at the time to swim in. But since I was a skater in my younger days I let my pool freeze but skate at the indoor ring not far from my house.
As for the continental breakfasts I only drink a cup or two expresso just a habit I developed in Europe. And I also speak 5 languages which come in very handy traveling through Europe.
And please do not call yourself an idiot it does not suit your station.
But it makes me wonder with all that you claim you have why would you put an add on Craigs List?
Your power alone can get you any lady you wish.
I wish you all the best in your quest and hope you find the lady of your choice for wife No. 106.
Sincerely with good wishes
Eve (Like in Adam and Eve)
--------------------------------------------------
Eve,
Allahu Akhbar!
As for why I am humbly posting on Craigslist, it is that when I go to bars women shun me because I am short and have a somewhat portly figure. Also, my hairline is receding, though my dermatologists have tried time and again to insert hair plugs. So I decided to go to Craigslist, where I can lie to women about myself and maybe put up a false photograph of a much younger, good-looking man and brag about my, well, nether regions.
At least, this is what my most trusted advisers of the Grand Court of Brunei have advised me.
It is indeed a lonely life, this Sultanate, though it is filled with people. Wife #24 nags every time it's her turn to attend the Court and wife #78 drinks too much arrack (alcohol is allowed in Brunei). Wife #89 is a hypochondriac and wife #99 is too much into that game they call "goluf." (sp?) And the worst thing is that they all get together and talk about me behind my back.
Being wife #106 would be a privilege for you and a pleasure for me. You would even have air conditioning in the chambers. You would have a chauffeured bicycle (women are not allowed to be in cars in Brunei).
My swimming pools are the largest in the land. Indeed, they are the only in the land, since commoners are forbidden to have them. And on sunny days, I like to entertain myself by swimming a lap in each and every one of them.
5 languages is good. Comment ça va? Wie gehts Ihnen? Manishma? Konnichiwa! Ni hau! Namaste! G'day, what the hell's goin' on, mate? (I am not sure exactly what that last one means but it seems to work when the ambassador of Australia attends the Court).
I have learned 25 languages (I must, to speak to the many foreigners who visit my court) but I do not practice them as often as I wish. Perhaps you could instruct me in yours. Perhaps at the same time you could explain the term "My pic gets yours," as I am unable to decipher it.
At any rate, it pleases me that you responded to my humble advertisement and saddens me that you do not agree to becoming wife #106.
I will try, try again until I succeed.
Allahu Akhbar!
The sullen Sultan
Here's the exchange:
=========================================
Dear
Allahu Akhbar,
Titles do not sway me either way since I had one from birth but never used it. I find it silly in todays world to use titles as they do not achieve anything nor give you something back.
I am very happy for you that you have so many wives and you are pleased with them. And since I do not play bridge I would be absolutely no good to you.
As for the swimming pools you can only use one at the time to swim in. But since I was a skater in my younger days I let my pool freeze but skate at the indoor ring not far from my house.
As for the continental breakfasts I only drink a cup or two expresso just a habit I developed in Europe. And I also speak 5 languages which come in very handy traveling through Europe.
And please do not call yourself an idiot it does not suit your station.
But it makes me wonder with all that you claim you have why would you put an add on Craigs List?
Your power alone can get you any lady you wish.
I wish you all the best in your quest and hope you find the lady of your choice for wife No. 106.
Sincerely with good wishes
Eve (Like in Adam and Eve)
--------------------------------------------------
Eve,
Allahu Akhbar!
As for why I am humbly posting on Craigslist, it is that when I go to bars women shun me because I am short and have a somewhat portly figure. Also, my hairline is receding, though my dermatologists have tried time and again to insert hair plugs. So I decided to go to Craigslist, where I can lie to women about myself and maybe put up a false photograph of a much younger, good-looking man and brag about my, well, nether regions.
At least, this is what my most trusted advisers of the Grand Court of Brunei have advised me.
It is indeed a lonely life, this Sultanate, though it is filled with people. Wife #24 nags every time it's her turn to attend the Court and wife #78 drinks too much arrack (alcohol is allowed in Brunei). Wife #89 is a hypochondriac and wife #99 is too much into that game they call "goluf." (sp?) And the worst thing is that they all get together and talk about me behind my back.
Being wife #106 would be a privilege for you and a pleasure for me. You would even have air conditioning in the chambers. You would have a chauffeured bicycle (women are not allowed to be in cars in Brunei).
My swimming pools are the largest in the land. Indeed, they are the only in the land, since commoners are forbidden to have them. And on sunny days, I like to entertain myself by swimming a lap in each and every one of them.
5 languages is good. Comment ça va? Wie gehts Ihnen? Manishma? Konnichiwa! Ni hau! Namaste! G'day, what the hell's goin' on, mate? (I am not sure exactly what that last one means but it seems to work when the ambassador of Australia attends the Court).
I have learned 25 languages (I must, to speak to the many foreigners who visit my court) but I do not practice them as often as I wish. Perhaps you could instruct me in yours. Perhaps at the same time you could explain the term "My pic gets yours," as I am unable to decipher it.
At any rate, it pleases me that you responded to my humble advertisement and saddens me that you do not agree to becoming wife #106.
I will try, try again until I succeed.
Allahu Akhbar!
The sullen Sultan
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I Enjoy . . .
. . . hassling the morons on craigslist. Why? It's the way I met Brigitte. Just out of curiosity I (very) occasionally go to the "Men seeking women" section just to view the morons and about a year ago I did, just on a whim. And I wrote a diatribe post (you know by now that Diatribe and I are the best of friends!) about the moronic idiots who kept saying things like "Your pic gets mine" or "Discrete encounter with attached man" and Brigitte actually responded with a "Bravo!" and that's how we met.
But from time to time, I go back, and I SO enjoy responding to some of these ads with the most cutting, diatribal wit at my disposal.
It's like seeing the seething underbelly of humanity; really, it is. Sewer rats, so many of them. Of course, some are earnest and honest, but after a while "Long walks and conversations by the fire" tends to get really, really old. Then there's the opposite swing of the pendulum and they try to be as outrageous as they can.
I think, Dudes, it'll never work. We know you're a desperate male in search of a mate and your social skills have proven ineffectual so far, so now you're going to classified ads. Well, here's Classified Ads 101: DON'T offer to show a picture of your penis. We already know what penises look like. DON'T say "long walks, good conversation and good food."
Christ, what part of "Sitting on a couch drinking beer and watching the game with Wings of Fire" don't you understand? Because that's what you really want.
WE ALL WANT THAT magical Kingdom in Heaven, the long walks, the earnest conversations. IT'S STATING THE OBVIOUS.
For fuck's sake, can't you come up with something more original than that? Like "Sultan of Brunei seeks Wife, Any White Woman Acceptable?" (Posted by me).
Anyway, like I said, I like fucking with these people.
But from time to time, I go back, and I SO enjoy responding to some of these ads with the most cutting, diatribal wit at my disposal.
It's like seeing the seething underbelly of humanity; really, it is. Sewer rats, so many of them. Of course, some are earnest and honest, but after a while "Long walks and conversations by the fire" tends to get really, really old. Then there's the opposite swing of the pendulum and they try to be as outrageous as they can.
I think, Dudes, it'll never work. We know you're a desperate male in search of a mate and your social skills have proven ineffectual so far, so now you're going to classified ads. Well, here's Classified Ads 101: DON'T offer to show a picture of your penis. We already know what penises look like. DON'T say "long walks, good conversation and good food."
Christ, what part of "Sitting on a couch drinking beer and watching the game with Wings of Fire" don't you understand? Because that's what you really want.
WE ALL WANT THAT magical Kingdom in Heaven, the long walks, the earnest conversations. IT'S STATING THE OBVIOUS.
For fuck's sake, can't you come up with something more original than that? Like "Sultan of Brunei seeks Wife, Any White Woman Acceptable?" (Posted by me).
Anyway, like I said, I like fucking with these people.
Twelve Steps
Shortly after Ogg and Ugg got married, Ogg started drinking heavily. He was despondent over his loss of independence and the fact that he hadn't invented fire yet.
It started with blackberry juice, but progressed rapidly to ten glasses of cassava water per day.
Their relationship was crumbling. "How come Ogg drink all day and not invent fire?" Ugg complained. "Wheel either."
So Ogg spontaneously decided to do a Twelve Step program.
He carefully carved twelve steps out of the mountain near his cave, walked up them to the BonBon tree and decided to drink there instead.
It started with blackberry juice, but progressed rapidly to ten glasses of cassava water per day.
Their relationship was crumbling. "How come Ogg drink all day and not invent fire?" Ugg complained. "Wheel either."
So Ogg spontaneously decided to do a Twelve Step program.
He carefully carved twelve steps out of the mountain near his cave, walked up them to the BonBon tree and decided to drink there instead.
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