Look Ahead

I think I did this song in 1982. My grandmother had just died and I got $5,000, for some reason. So I bought a drum machine, an Oberheim DMX, which was probably the first drum machine on the market, and if I recollect correctly, it cost $3,500.

Anyway, this is the first song I ever made with a drum machine.

Yellow Toothbrush

This is a song that I composed before I went to Japan in 1988, but this was the version my band played live, which actually made it on a late-night television talk show in Osaka, maybe in '92. We were all formally interviewed by the Japanese hosts and it aired at midnight or something.

I wish I had the digitized video to show you but unfortunately I don't have the equipment to do that any more.

But you can get a glimpse of what it was like. I was a precocious dude, was I not? The world was in my hand.

It still is . . .

Heights

I'm afraid of heights. In fact, I'm afraid of being five-foot-nine. I really hate to look down.

But I'm afraid of widths more.

How Can You Write An Entire Book . . .

. . . upon hypothesizing? I'm reading a book about João Rodrigues, a missionary who was the model for Father Alvito in the novel Shogun.

But the first hundred pages or so are filled with sentences like " He must have . . ." "It is probable that . . ." It is possible that . . ." "It is not fully known, but . . ." "Records of the time indicate that he might have . . ." "There are few remaining documents that might point a clue at . . ."

What, is that a book? Fuck, _I_ can write that. "Jesus was possibly a Jew living in what is now, according to some historians, a territory in Israel . . . it is debatable in which year he was born, but sources point to zero A.D. It is not known who his parents were but it is reasonable to assume that . . . blah blah blah."

That's a book? Get your shit together, dude, and write a real book, like, maybe, about flower arranging? That's a subject you can sink your teeth into.

New Acronym!

Okay, you have LOL and WTF and OMG.

But here's a new one that I just coined. Use it. Use it often.

It's spelled GMAG-FB and it's pronounced "Gee-mag-eff-bee."

It means "Give Me a Goddamn Fucking Break."

I Have a Problem

Well, loyal readers, every single three of you, you know one problem is the least of my worries. No, I have several. Can you count into the low six digits?

But my problem is with credits. Yes, the credits on television which say who did what. Plus the disclaimers for car and drug commercials. (You know, "Professional driver, closed track, do not attempt"). Except it's in 7-point type and absolutely useless. Like those EULAs (whatever the fuck that means) that you have to click through every time you register for software. (See? I told you I had multiple problems).

Well, the drug companies at least have a clue and rattle off the disclaimers with some fake doctor's at least you can HEAR "May cause uncontrollable convulsions causing death" instead of trying to pass it off as "fine print" and then claim the suitor didn't read it.

But it's the TV shows that bug the hell out of me. Sorry, but I'm actually INTERESTED in who the Key Grip was or who wrote the music. But they scroll it past impossibly fast; why do they bother? Please, let us off the hook and just hold a title on the screen saying "This movie was made by People."

Skip the ambient music.

What's the Best Thing About a Suicide Bomber?

He can never become a serial killer.