Why? Dunno

It’s good that I’m not losing my Japanese. My son is half Japanese and lives in Japan with his mother and practically the only conduit I have with him is with my ex-wife’s parents, who thankfully have stuck with me over these now four years and never treat me as “the foreigner”.

But now his tiny 6.5-year-old voice on the phone becomes more hesitant and he can’t answer much more than “Yes” and “No” even when I say, “Tai-chan, you can still understand me 100%, right? Remember Nascar weekends, right? And the big plane I’ll come and pick you up in? You still remember that, right? And the kite in the cemetery? Remember when we flew the kite?”

And he says “Yes”, or more like our loving “Yesh” and when I tell him I love him and say “You remember Montreal, don’t you?” He says in his tiny voice “Yesh” . . . and I feel so bad. I just want to get on a plane RIGHT NOW but I just got off a plane . . . what am I doing?

And then I do the unforgivable: I speak to him in Japanese. I know he hates it, but what can I do? I have to make him understand certain things: tell your mother that I want to chat with you as soon as possible. “Tai-chan, okaa-san ni dekirudake mata chatto shitai tte yutte naa?” and I feel so bad because Dad Is Not Allowed To Speak Japanese according to his rulebook. But he just says “Yesh” now, not “Daddy, don’t speak Japanese” any more. What can I do? What should I do?

Sorry. Late night thoughts. They’re excusable, aren’t they? Yurushite naa. Forgive me.