Thursday, April 30, 2009

Okay, So I Failed

I, umm, ranted. Yes, yet again. But to Brigitte. Not you guys (henceforth known as "you guys").

Oh, shit, maybe should not go there . . . but Rant was who were worse, the Nazis or the Japanese.

There was a clear decision, in my mind, being the father of my Japanese boy, but I had to also consider Brigitte, being a citizen of Israel.

Who do you think won the toss . . . ?

Bugs!

Well, the week has not been the most spectacular but now I feel a whole lot better. In fact, I feel so much better that I've decided to hold the rants to a minimum. Only positive posts! And I won't call you peasants any more, I promise. Blork took me to task and I value Blork's opinion above many others' opinions, so I promise that from now on you shall be referred to as my "loyal readers." See, that just spreads a gentle glow throughout my entire body already. We're healin' now, people!

If I feel a rant or any such other thought coming on, I will confine it to . . . umm, okay, well, we'll cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?

You might remember that my very good friend Jacques, he of the bass player for the Montreal Symphony, is off on a goodly tour of Europe to enlighten the peasants . . . er, "listening public" as to the joys of Brahms, Strauss and that da-da-da-dum guy. (How I wish he played jazz! But I digress). (And I like that da-da-da-dum guy!)

Anyway, he has what they call a "cottage" 'round these parts but in actuality is a very nice two storey-house on the side of a mountain opposite a ski resort. And I mean . .. REALLY nice.

Let me tell you, the only sounds I can hear are my fingers on the keys, the hum of the computer and Brigitte puttering downstairs.

However, this blissful tranquility has been err . . . disturbed in a number of ways. A million of them, in fact.

For reference, please read my short science-faction story here. That will tell you my fond opinion about . . . BUGS!

Poor old Jacques can only make it out here about once a week and only stay a couple of days at a time, and there's only one of him. But there are about 7,869 ladybugs. (Yes, loyal readers, that's where I lost count). And he made the mistake (even as I type I shudder) of leaving an open cereal box in the kitchen cabinet . . . do you know how many large ants can fit in a small space? Christ, I thought ants were big when I saw Them! back in the 60s, but, heck . . . where's Marshall Dillon when you REALLY need him?

Anyway, the solution proved to be the vacuum. Don't try this at home, folks. No, just run screaming out of it.

When I first stayed here several weeks ago I just laughed and said "Look, Brigitte, there are ladybugs sharing our bed!" And she paused from her fingernails and said "Isn't that sweet, dear?"

This is NOT a rant. I miss every tiny despicable red-and-black crawling mindless one of them.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

April 16, 1945

Hello Father.

Do you remember what you did on April 16, 1945, five days after your 23rd birthday? If it doesn’t all quite come back in a rush, allow me to enlighten you.

You were awakened sometime around 4:30 a.m. by someone making loud noises. It was cold and you were yet again in some weird place that you had no control over.

You probably fumbled for your boots, regretting the night before, and lit the first cigarette of the day.

You put on your uniform and shuffled out of the Quonset hut with the rest of the guys and went to the mess tent, where you half-heartedly poked at the the powdered eggs. Your mind was elsewhere.

Then you went to the briefing room. Your commander, maybe Fred Holdredge, strode up to the board and unveiled a spot on a map. There was probably a collective groan. That spot was Landshut, Germany. You didn’t know the name of your Consolidated Industries’ B-24 bomber that particular morning. They were shifting them around so much.

But you and your crew, under the command of Walter Moseley, with rear gunner Joe Pilarski, all around your stately age of 22, hopped on a jeep and rode in the darkness to where your plane was waiting.

You wore your cumbersome flight gear and struggled to light cigarettes but you made it aboard through the tiny doors and intricate tunnels. There was Your Spot.

You were a Radio Operator for the Mighty Eighth, and you were on your last mission. You were going out yet again for an ass-numbing 9-hour flight to bomb some Nazi marshalling yards you’d never heard of, with five, maybe ten of your best buddies. You knew, or maybe didn’t know, the odds. They sure as hell didn’t publish them. But the probability of your landing back at Rackheath field was less than 30 percent, the absolute worst attrition rate in the entire armed forces to date.

But on that day you dutifully got on that plane. Despite your probable hangover and upset stomach, the plane took off with Moseley at the helm and you settled down for the mission, uncomplaining, just trying to smoke through your oxygen mask. Probably had a mickey on hand as well.

And then you bombed the Nazis. The IP had been announced and maybe the flak was starting up. You watched, or perhaps you declined to, those myriad clusters of destruction that rained below.

What were you thinking that day, 64 years ago?

I know you can’t remember, so I’m reminding you. You were terrified. But you wanted to come back, and you did. The only reason you are reading this is because I am writing it, looking at your crew picture with you not in it because, as usual, you were the photographer.

Please remember what you were doing on April 16, 1945.

Because I do.

Nightmare

God, it's happened again . . . the nightmare from Hell. This time, I killed someone. Not just me, but three other people, and we're trying to get our stories straight . . . no, not some procedural CSI but some messy nightmare in which I know I can't take it back, ever, and that they're going to find out the awful truth, it's only a matter of time . . . crime scene, blood everywhere, how can I possibly hide the truth?

Ouf. This is the second time in as many days where I've woken up in a cold sweat. Hey, Doc, what do you do for a cold sweat? Putain de merde, que la vie m'enmerde. If sleep is not your refuge, where can it be?

I'll be okay, my faithful, fabulous flock. Just not that guy who takes my place when I close my eyes. I somehow think he won't be okay. Psychiatrists no doubt will have a field day.

Details at 11.

Monday, April 27, 2009

I Think

I think I posted a while back, upon looking at a midge -- I have no idea what its taxonomic name was -- on the balcony that had suddenly alighted on my arm. My first instinct was "Get away, bug" and my second was "You die, bug."

But something kicked in, bizarrely . . . I thought, of all Man's machines, all the combined machinations of everybody who has ever been alive, no one could match the miracle of this tiny animal. No scientist, no astronomer, no priest, no prophet . . . no one could recreate this tiny, living organism, in a lifetime of lifetimes.

So what if it lives off sewer water. That tiny spark was ALIVE. So I decided not to kill it. As far as I know, it's still out there, just not on my arm.

But I can pretty much assure myself that it didn't hold back a lifetime of memories, of bombing Nazis and smoking too much and scheming and living, that that tiny spark holds nothing to the bonfire that my father has . . . I hate to be anthrocentric but when he's gone, a whole world will die.

And I think of these little dried things that were in a packet until not too long ago, that are now green, and growing, desperate for a chance at life . . . what were they before? They were seeds. They didn't know any different and you know, you and I didn't know any different when we weren't born. But now that we do know different, we should kind of like, pay attention. 'Cause we're gonna have a test.

And I'll always remember the bug that I didn't kill.

Aaargh

Peasants, my faithful flock, I don't know why you keep tuning in, though if you weren't you wouldn't be reading this! But things ain't going well at Rancho Secundo (Rancho Uno being Montreal).

Basically, my father is dying. Christ, he's had it up to here with shit. I can feel it with every step of the news. You know, they say that nothing in particular ever really kills you -- it's a slow procession of lots of things (unless you're my nephew Zack, who died of a massive heart attack at 19 years old a couple of months ago).

Ouf. But this morning I wasn't in the mood for an appointment at celebrity dermatologist Howard Yanofsky's. My father is now admitted to the hospital, with all its attendant crap, and I know the ONLY THING he'd rather be doing is watching Jeopardy, taking a sip of his scotch and smoking yet another cigarette.

And I felt him in me when I whined, wheedled, protested to Brigitte that I didn't want to go to the dermatologist (sebaceous cyst under my arm, nothing urgent, but months in the making of the appointment).

God, that hour and a half in that humorless waiting room -- I swear, Brigitte had to run after me when I abruptly walked out to the elevators after I couldn't take it any more -- remind me of perhaps why my father can't take it any more.

Aah, fuck, a bad situation is about to get a whole lot badder. I feels it in my bones, Doc.

But the sun is shining. I will go on the balcony, drink beer, read a cookbook and soak in the sun.

Frankly, don't know what else to do . . .

Talk: Cheep

Think about when you were small. You and your buddies probably had a club of some sorts. Maybe there was a password to get in. I had the Pan Am club, but pretty much anyone who wanted to join could.

Now think about languages. I have a major impediment to your joining my club: It’s called being able to speak Japanese. Unless you learn that, you’re pretty much going to be in a windswept field and a farmer who’s gonna pitchfork you if what comes out of your mouth is other than Japanese.

This is how we maintain the tribe mentality, how we separate ourselves from each other. I don’t know where I’m going with this, but I do know that when I was watching the original Ocean’s Eleven last night I could hardly understand a word.

Or should that be “woid”?

Allons parler ein bischen nihongo, basta, nihau, good buddy.

Trapped

My god, here at 3:50 a.m. I was awoken by a nightmare, so vivid, so horrible that I'm still shaken . . . I was somehow on the OUTSIDE of an elevator on the 125th floor that had stopped working . . . I couldn't get back in it and I couldn't go anywhere . . . and it wasn't working and I could just see over the top of it and it was a cold, sunny winter's day outside but no stairwell, no nothing . . . just trapped with no place to go but down.

Christ, I wonder what that means. I'm afraid to go back to bed. Maybe I'll just sit here and let this beer filter through my system and come to terms with why my father went into the hospital last night at the age of 87 and isn't doing well.

Christ, being alive sometimes is worse than being dead, I swear.

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Upon Blandness

"Last night the chicken for dinner was so bland. It was a saltimbocca-type deal -- stuffed chicken. I want to make it properl;y

Upon Blandness

"Last night the chicken for dinner was so bland. It was a saltimbocca-type deal -- stuffed chicken.Then there was bland pasta. I want to make it properly," said Brigitte this evening.

Last evening I was out of sorts . . . don't make any public enquiries, but I didn't want to go to this gathering, hosted by a "traiteur" friend -- in French that means caterer, but in English we always want to come by our qualifications with . . . umm . . . qualifications. The word "traitor" is not very far away . . .

So I got into no small trouble, but in retrospect, it was probably one of the rare sound decisions I've made lately.

Rarely do the words "food" and "crime" make their acquaintances, but from what Brigitte told me, a crime was committed with food last night.

It's called blandness. Take for example, my rant on Feuilles de Menthe.

We went to a place called Cinq Epices about three days later because Brigitte had a major desire for Vietnamese, but the soups between them were exercises in cooking opposites.

Ever been to North Korea? Didn't think so. But the soup at Feuilles de Menthe tasted like the gruel served a prisoner in an eight by ten, not something that cost $7 at a trendy Vietnamese joint. By contrast, the Cinq Epices, at around $2.00, was absolutely brimming with spice and freshness.

Umm, I guess the word I'm seeking here is BOLD. Don't skimp on the garlic. Don't skimp on the butter. Not the peppers. Not the salt. GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER! If you have an Indian restaurant, cook like you're cooking for Indians.

Anyway, Brigitte is going to try and take that tasteless meal as an inspiration (from a caterer, no less!) and redo it so that it becomes tasteworthy.

Update to follow at 11.

And It's . . . in the Lead!



From L to R: Italian parsley, Italian parsley, serrano chilies, lemon basil, garlic chives, green onions, dill, purple basil, cilantro, curly parsley, jalapeños, sweet basil


Who knew when I carefully planted those 72 seeds in my little starter seed kit that the dill would make it out of the starting gate first . .. by a LONG shot. (That's the ones you see near the middle). Next would be the predictable Sweet Basil, at far right. But hey, the purple basil came out and the garlic chives are making a game effort . . . the peppers (jalapeño and serrano) are total lamers; not a sign.

The lemon tree, on the other hand . . . how long do I have to wait for the lemon tree?

But so far, all eyes are on the dill!

I'm so inspired by its performance that I wrote a haiku:

The Lonely Dill

O dill,
Whose friend was basil
The sky grows tranquil
As you grow long
A bus ambles by
Winter’s end


But to be less pretentious, I also wrote a good old-fashioned Wordsworth, with the cadence of hip-hop!

Dillin' in Da Hood

You wandered lonely as a cloud
Among a host of da-fo'-dills
You chillin’ and you illin’ chile
You hot and you dat Basil kills


But not to be outdone, I also wrote a Rodgers and Hammerstein!

The Sound of Crunching


The dills are alive
And they're chewing basil
Such a salad they'll make
For a thousand years

Uhh, okay, I guess I have to work on my Rodgers and Hammerstein skills.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Time

Has it ever occurred to you that time is one of the most annoying facets to being alive? The way time manages to stretch itself, say, when you're in a traffic jam, or how it races by when . . .okay, you fill in the blanks.

I don't know. Do you wear a watch? If so, what for? Did you know that Feynman established that a neutron could be in two places at once? I know that you didn't. Don't lie to me. Never you once lie to me, my children.

TWO PLACES AT ONCE. I'm happily alone in bed at home. YET I AM SIMULTANEOUSLY WORKING! Yup, I'm humming as I go through the books, decide that Grimaldi needs his knees broken for that outstanding payment, who's gonna do it, Marcel or Guido? and at the same time ASLEEP IN MY BED.

How can that be possible?

Ask Feynman. That jerk. He was always busy ripping off the public and defrauding the populace. Whichever is worse in a court of law.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Jesus Christ

Hey, you thought I was bad -- I didn't know what I'd unearthed when I linked to Battlefield Earth, but some people out there definitely had their sharp knives out of the case.

So good to know we have some soldiers on guard.

The Real Killers

Umm, just like OJ, why doesn't Al Qaeda focus on the Real Killers? Christianity, buttfucked as it may be as a religion/cult is no match for Scientology. How about a fatwa on Tom Cruise?

That tiny moron -- why hasn't the Taliban focused its laser-gaze on him? Trust me, L. Ron ruined more lives than Jesus, Moses and Noah put together. Oh, forgot Judas.

Hey, plane-hijacker dudes, let's hit 'em where it really hurts: John Travolta central in Hollywood.

No more Battlefield: Earths.

Okay, O' Bin L?

You

Here's you. You're nine years old. You're dragged away from your surroundings and put in a place where every move you make is monitored, where you can't make any independent decisions about what to do at any given time, where to go, what to eat, what to drink. What to like, what to think, who your real friends are, who your real enemies are.

This goes on for five years. You finally get the brains to rebel, at 14. What took you so long?

Does it sound like prison? I know it does. What do you think that does to a developing pre-adolescent mind?

I sometimes think (and I always think too much) that my brain was irreparably ruined by boarding school. What else accounts for bouts of lethargy, or when I refuse to "go along" because everyone else is, for my interminable irritability? My irrational need to be alone yet need people to reassure me of my place in the universe?

I wish I could go back and talk to me when I was nine years old. To tell me that everything would turn out okay. I wouldn't have known what I was talking about, probably.

But I do now.

Khalil, my Dear Khalil

Aaaah, okay, admit it: you don’t like the Sensitive Me. You like the Hellion Me.

Just admit it. Okay, I’ll bite.

Fuck the Taliban. Fuck Sheik al Befuckedwadmohammed. TORTURE THEM.
Don’t come pansy-assed wring-your-hands-after-the-fact with someone who PERSONALLY BEHEADED somebody. Do you know what that requires?

(Warning: graphic detail):

You have to grab this guy, with a bunch of your male buddies looking on, all obviously uneasy, and you hold this human being like a sheep, ignore his screams, this human being who has more worth on this earth than 1,000 of you, and kill him personally, drawing the knife so deep across his throat that maybe it’s energizing the 709 virgins or whatever is going through your twisted mind, like what went through Mohammed Atta’s mind before he crashed his plane into the Trade Center, but how, how, can you expect any mercy, Khalil Sheik Mohammed? I personally would tear your heart out of your chest with no surgical instruments without a single qualm.

Where do I sign up?

Live by the sword, DIE BY THE SWORD. By my count, your 150+ waterboardings, YOU GOT OFF EASY.

Let the hand-wringing cease, as soon as possible.
x

It’s so difficult when your only offspring is impossibly far away. You who have no offspring have no blame; perhaps for you, it’s another ache that plagues you, day in, day out. Something that occupies your dawn thoughts. I don’t know.

But to have someone that exists in the world which actually is quite small (I could be there within 24 hours, if I wanted to be) yet so far (like, somewhere near Tranquillity Base) is a special trial.

I have a clock. I have several of them, in fact. Some of them tick. I hate those clocks that tick. Because they remind me every tick how many seconds of my son’s life that I am missing. That he might be missing of me.

I know, it’s not a perfect world, an ideal world. I know we must make do with what we have. And I know above all, it’s ridiculous to whine when I actually HAVE a son to whine about. But sometimes the absence weighs heavy and affects everything I do, no matter whether I recognize it or not.

I’ve gotten off luckier than most. I always tell myself that. What if, what if . . . what if I’d married some woman who lived in Montreal and had a son with her. Hey, I’d be able to have him every weekend! Why did I choose to marry someone who basically for all intents and purposes resides on the moon? Huh? What was I thinking?

Well, the answer is that I was not thinking.

Not bitter — if anything, I am not that. People tell me, good people, that when he gets older it will be my turn, that he needs his mother, that I’m getting off lucky, that when he’s able to make his own decisions all will be well, but I can only think of his precious childhood slipping half a world away and sometimes the thoughts become hard, especially hard when I know it affects those around me who have no idea I’m thinking these things and just how possibly badly they’re affecting me.

Even _I_ don’t have a clue how much they’re affecting me. But I guess they must be.

Aaah, don’ worry, I’ll get over it. Someday.

Cloudy today. Who's in charge of the weather?

Password

You have to be of a certain age to appreciate this post, but then again, soon you’re going to have to be of a certain age to remember the Titanic.

But I was watching the game “Password” on the oldies channel, don’t remember which one. Don’t matter nohow anyways.

The thing I immediately realised was: these people are drunk. The host is three sheets to the wind. The celebs (Richard Dawson, Peter Lawford and Barbara Eden) are on either a list of drugs or smashed out of their skulls. You can sometimes see that Richard Dawson is barely holding it together. Let alone Peter Lawford, who’s coughing in the middle of his sentences, not once, but throughout.

All of them, and I mean ALL OF THEM, celebrities and guests, smoked.

It’s quite bizarre to witness this and MINDSHIFT to the reality that they very much didn’t want you to know, and what has now almost become an anachronistic anomaly. Sure, Amy Weinstein medicates, but then again, who is Amy Weinstein?

Peter Lawford? He had the ear of John F. Kennedy.

To watch this stuff, double-take and remember watching it WHEN IT WAS ACTUALLY BROADCAST is an exercise in opening one’s eyes.

Nawwww, Richard Dawson can’t have been half in the bag. But when you watch it, you see your parents, you see all those people around you when you were a child. They were adults, but they were half in the bag half of the time. Drunk as fucking skunks, most of them. Hollywood legends, producers, starlets, actors, grip dudes, they were all semi-shitfaced the WHOLE OF THEIR CAREERS.

Oh, okay, they weren’t drunk. No, they were on prescription drugs.

Think: John Wayne: hopeless drunk. William Holden: tragedy on two feet. Laurence Olivier: terminally sauced. Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Rex Harrison, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, Liza Minelli, Judy Garland Julie Andrews Rodstewarteltonjohnbillyjoelkeithrichardspaulmccartneyringostarrqueenelizabethprincessdigeralddurrellcarlsaganjesuschrist. . . need I go on?

What does this say to society? Just what does it say when we praise the fuck out of these people yet castigate them for their dependencies?

I’m no fucking shrinking violet. What worked for them works for me. I’m going to pour another and join the club.

It's great that I don't need a password. I've always been a member.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Fuck You

Yes, yes, I know I become tiresome with my fucks and my yous but this one is special, people.

This one goes out to all those nice people who design our electronics.

FUCK YOU. WHY did you miniaturize my DVD remote control to the size of a large Lego piece, make it black, put tiny white type on the tiny buttons and then put them in UNDECIPHERABLE configurations?

You ASSHOLES. Couldn't all of you, you know who you are, you conglomerates of Japanese, Taiwanese, Korean and Chinese fuckers, WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE GOTTEN TOGETHER and agreed on SOME FUCKING STANDARD?

Yes, you contribute to Global Warming because EVERY TIME I need to find a menu on my DVD remote control I have to TURN ON MY HALOGEN LAMP TO SEE WHAT I'M DOING.

I have to fidget through your impenetrable, some might term obfuscating, menus of ludicrous arrangements JUST TO FAST-FORWARD. Then, I'm penalized when I accidentally press on the "Advance Chapter" button because it looks IDENTICAL to the fast forward button, EVEN WITH THE HALOGENS ON.

As I sit here, I have five, count 'em, five remote controls for my "home theater" system. What a fucking joke.

Give me a hut and a rabbit antenna any time.

Jupiter Condos Update


Look, I know you horde of mutant midget clown headhunters doubt my veracity when I claim to be in the business of repurposing land on Jupiter.

This is understandable; no, I really understand the basic premise of your arguments, because the perception is that two- or even three-story structures can't be built there, and that even cabanas and pools would be inordinately expensive.

Let me reassure you that this is not and has never been the case. Renowned science-fiction author Clifford B. Simak obviously foresaw the value of lots on Jupiter, as have many others, and it disturbs me to receive your emails, some of them bullet-pointed, listing your misgivings about finalising these transactions.

Thus, I take the opportunity to address some of these issues.

Lots of you mentioned problems with the timeline of the first Jupiter landings. Let me reassure you, we are working on that, and when the Committee has budgeted a sensible launch date we will most definitely be getting the green light.

Some of you had reservations about our choice of onsite architects. Some of you were concerned that den sizes would either be too small or not take into account west-facing sunlight levels during the winter months. Please be assured that we have our most talented associates working on these very issues. The renowned architectural company Young, Bolton LLC is already drafting plans for your lower-atmosphere condominium, and in collaboration with noted Feng-shui consultant Anna Wong, will be producing a multi-plan introductory brochure for the site designation of your choice (please note that all final designs by your personal architect must be approved first by the Committee -- please see Article 1-17-09, Rules and Regulations XVI before proceeding with submissions).

And some of you brooked concerns about available light. Jovian days are quite lengthy by our standards, so household plants may be adversely affected. Please consult our handbook "Your Houseplant on Jupiter" for answers to this question, or refer to the FAQ.

Many thanks to all who have called and written and let's see this project off the ground in 2009!

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Monday, April 20, 2009

Gourmet Magazine Goes to Rural India

I was reading an old article in one of my Gourmet magazines circa 2002. It was so unbelievably pretentious, written in that whitebread-glossy Condé-Nast style, so exceedingly full of fruity hyperbole that I was just driven to parody it. To show how pathetically mannered the prose is . . . just shift it to a different reality. And to show you just how easy it is to write this crap. Wish I could link you to the original article, but it's beyond reading by anyone serious except a Gourmet Managing Editor.

Gourmet Magazine Goes to Rural India (and splurges)


Mattar Paneer Restaurant

How blissfully bucolic northern sugar cane Thara country was 25 years ago. You could walk into a tasting hut and have it all to yourself and the mosquitoes, take a lazy tin-rim bicycle ride on a quiet rut, and picnic on a hillside with only the cane rats and cockroaches for company.

Restaurants were scarce, but it didn’t much matter when you could fill up on Shaved River Bhangfish Skeleton on Banana Leaf at Mattar Paneer, the trendy new shack on the banks of the Irrawady (around half a klick past the bend near the old crocodile perch where Attam used to fish until he lost his foot to a gharial).

Or eat wild-ass-liver mousse and langur chasseur at La Belle Dungit, fifty paces beyond Old Srinagar’s chicken coop, where you would see cane grinders and spit-mixers in from the fields. Back then, the city seemed many rush-hour trains from Howrah away.

Now the city is here — the famous chefs, the fancy inns, the crowds, even a highbrow museum devoted to “Aragh” (village moonshine”) and food.

Until last fall, Udayagiri-Dhormopur, in Northern Orissa, kept a certain distance and stayed a muddy-boot kind of town. But then a swank hut complex and cow-patty spa went up on the western edge of the plaza, with a restaurant, Dry-Mud Kitchen, bearing the imprimatur of Chupsalachutia Bandaarkababapakistanbazaarjaiga ("Bhenchod" to his friends) of Kolkata-slumdog fame, who plans to move his family and their collection of city mice to the area. It was not universally cheered.

Who needed a chic hostelry and a celebrity upriver chef in one of the few unspoiled places in moonshine country?

The picture of urbanity, with its palette of cool fecal-matter-spattered browns, its kitchen a shadow play behind the dung-patched grass walls, the restaurant could easily slip into a sleek SoHo space.

The city slicker is going all out to curry local favor as well as flavor. For home cooks, a takeout shop on the side sells goat pâtés, beads, mirrors, small children, statues of Kali, and old fish.

Peppering his menus with Orissa District products, executive chef Mukul (he only has one name, as is the custom here) even composes a dazzling plate of variations on betel-nut cheese, too many to describe in this short space.
Mukul, head chef


Only palm wine from Mukul’s mother’s rubber-tree still are poured, and when you arrive with an out-of village bottle, the corkage fee is waived.

IF YOU GO:

Mukul Barati Jantaya B&B, 12 rupees/$0.28 a night, full Orissa continental breakfast (Mughal Langur hip bone satay in dust rub, chickenfoot marmalade brulée, betel leaves)

Address: Just past Subroto's Wax and Shine on Rural 990 near Ghopal Bhagat's High-speed Internet Superhighway and Dancing Girls. Ask for Kamlesh Madhvani and mention montrealfood. He might introduce you to Miss Jaldijao.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Girls (and Boys) of Summer

Arlette and Alex (henceforth referred to as simply The Girls) Brigitte (henceforth referred to as simply The Girl) and I (call me what you will) made the first foray into summer with an optimistic barbecue session.

Armed with our new Weber Smokey Joe, we fired up some maple hardwood with my homemade chimney starter (see photos below) and didn't end up in the Burn Unit at the Jewish -- a major accomplishment, considering that Arlette burned a hole in her blouse with a floating ember.

My research paid off. I'd been looking for a good grilling recipe and I found one for the meat and one for the shrimp, with something called Charmoula, which I'd never heard of.

Recipes follow photos (click to enlarge). It was a great triumph.

The Girls prepping


My improvised olive can chimney-starter


Meat grillin'; We chillin'


The dinosaur "shrimp" (small lobsters?)


Tasted way better than it looks!


The denouement: Arlette's strawberries in whipped cream


Marinade for kebabs

Ingredients
1/2 cup packed fresh cilantro leaves
6 medium cloves garlic , peeled
1/2 teaspoon garam masala
1 1/2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 cup olive oil
1 teaspoon table salt
1/8 teaspoon ground black pepper

Method
Pulse-blend all ingredients in food processor. Marinate beef in tight container or zip-lock bag for 2 up to 48 hours.

Charmoula sauce for grilled shrimp
Makes enough to sauce 1 1/2 pounds shrimp.

Ingredients
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1 small red bell pepper , stemmed, seeded, and diced very small (about 1/2 cup)
1 small red onion , minced (about 3/4 cup)
3 teaspoons paprika
2 teaspoons ground cumin
1 teaspoon cayenne pepper
7 medium cloves garlic , minced or pressed through a garlic press
1 teaspoon table salt
1/2 cup minced fresh cilantro leaves
1/2 cup minced fresh Italian parsley leaves
2 tablespoons fresh lemon juice from 1 lemon

Method

Sauté everything up to the garlic on medium heat until soft, about ten minutes. Let cool to room temperature. Add remaining ingredients and pulse in food processor until roughly sauced. Add chicken broth as necessary to thin. Warm before serving on shrimp.

The Manicotti Code

I was thinking of making stuffed manicotti (those large, tube-shaped pasta shells).

But all the recipes I've looked at say to cook the pasta first, then bake it. That seems counter-intuitive. After 30 minutes in an oven, the cooked pasta is going to turn to mush.

I would think of stuffing the uncooked shells, then compensating with a little more liquid, be it tomato sauce or broth, so that the pasta would absorb it while baking and be al dente at the end.

Any learned opinions on the matter?

What

What, the 'hood gettin' you down?

Did you know that if all the visible galaxies in the universe, conservatively estimated by astronomers at around 140 billion, were each the size of a Jolly Green Giant frozen pea, they would fill the Royal Albert Hall (and possibly many more, but please leave out the Bell Center -- it seems impossibly cramped) to the brim?

Oh, you knew that? Well, get set: in EACH of those 140 billion galaxies are at least 100 billion stars. And for every billion stars there are probably at least two billion planets. And of those billion planets, there are probably at least two showing I Love Lucy in reruns already.

Think about it. Please. So I don't have to.

Pole

Do you thoroughly wash all fruits, vegetables and herbs before using?
Always, are you crazy?
Most of the time
When I'm not in a hurry
The chefs on TV don't do, so why should I?
Nah.
ugg boots

Saturday, April 18, 2009

@#%!&*!! Food Channel

They have the Food Network, so why don't they have an X-rated version? You know, Rachel Ray saying things like "Okay, now I'm going to just spear these little fuckers and shovel on some EVOO . . . extra fuckin' YUMMO! Eat this shit and you'll never cook anything else again!"

You know, like she probably does in real life.

That I would like to see.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Plus Ça Change

I started montrealfood.com in around 1997. It wasn't called that until 2000 but the idea was there. That's fucking 11 years ago. What did I want to do? Just come up with reviews of restaurants in Montreal that would be COMPLETELY unbiased. And not just three-liners with opening hours and phone numbers.

I wanted prices, descriptions, opinions, with some amount of humor, pathos or both. Something HUMAN, something that you could trust, something untainted, something personal, something that let the reader know that the reviewer wasn't bought or sold or had any sort of agenda.

To this day, montrealfood.com has NEVER EVER HAD A SINGLE AD. Has NEVER BEEN BOUGHT by anybody, despite a million offers.

You know what? I'd like to think that due to those early efforts, some measure of equanimity has prevailed, that there are sources of unbiased opinions about restaurants about town, that accept no bribes, that have intelligence and reasoning to them, that are not merely rants nor gushing accolades.

But the reality is that only chaos has reigned. The Internet version of restaurant reviewing has descended into two camps: the Everyman Review, in which Joe from Downtown passes his jud'ment on some resto or else some pay-per-click crap Infotourist bullshit.

What's the verdict? Nothing has changed. There will always be the pseudo-review-type "martiniboys" or the shamelessly money-grubbing resto.ca resto mafioso.

You can dismiss the Gazette, Hour and Mirror. They've become clones of each other; no hint of the integrity of, say, Ashok Chandwani or Brian Kappler. Just paid review-slaves.

To whit: trying to find an entry for "Best Thai BYOB Montreal" turned up hundreds of sites, all pay-per-click or martiniboys or resto.ca "buy-a-menu" bullshit. The result that was gleaned from the tiny few that seemed to be dependable proved to be an illusion.

NO FUCKING INTEGRITY.

So I know that I'm still where I was ten years ago.

I'd post this directly on montrealfood.com but you know what? You can't say "fuck" there.

Plus ça fucking change.

Feuilles de Menthe

5136 Park Avenue, Montreal, QC
514-272-1477

Well, in the age of Twitter I don't see why I should bother to dignify this place with more than a passing review.
Keywords: BYOB
: Vietnamese
: Not a hole in the wall, please, some atmosphere at least for an out-of-towner guest


Verdict
: horrible. Clientèle alone point to its failures; bleached or noired 50-something Québecoises are the main occupants.

Service
: Atrocious. And I NEVER whine about service, but this was exceptionally bad.
Food: Mediocre, bland, too sweet
Spectacular failure: "Lemongrass Shrimp": FIVE smallish shrimp in a sea of vegetables in a sickly-sweet sauce.
Coup de grâce: bowl of steamed rice equivalent to a pool ball and a half.
Price: Fucking expensive for BYOB Vietnamese. $70+ for three and no frills.
Review: Anyone who has ever recommended this place needs to be replaced with a zombie.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Somalian Country Cookin' (Recipes from the Somalian Countryside)


If you've never been to Somalia, there's a good chance you've never tasted its cuisine. Sophisticated and subtle, Somali food follows in the great nomadic Berber traditions handed down over thousands of years and is a joy for the eye as well as the palate.

These recipes are from various warring factions' warlords' wives' collections of recipes and were obtained at various ambush gatherings over several months. (Ambush parties are a mainstay of the social scene, where recipes and hostages are traded, helicopter pilots are dragged through streets, and much Somali palm whiskey is quaffed.) Many thanks to the charming ladies of the Warlords' Cooking Club of Belet Huen, Farhat and Dhoum Wadi.

Dried Wattle Twigs roasted with Wood Chips and Crevice-Algae Salsa Dip

This is a super topper, perfect for when you or the kids want something different or fast.

Ingredients

Twigs from a wattle bush, preferably gathered some distance away from the communal latrine

4 1/2 C. wood chips, hacked from the bark of a Chana tree

Scrapings of red and green algae from between rocks on the crags at Kumra Basin

Preparation

Julienne the wattle twigs and mix well in a small gourd. Marinate the wood chips in goat urine for one hour at room temperature (52° C/135° F), uncovered, using a hair whisk to keep away camel flies and sand fleas.

For the dip, chop the algae, taking care not to mix the two colors, then wring head towel into the two piles. Set aside.

In a medium gourd, mix the wattle twigs and the wood chips (which should now be moist and dark-colored).

Set out small decorative Red Cross soup can husks, cut in half, and sprinkle a little salsa in each.

Serve.


Per Serving

Calories 4

Total fat 0

Saturated fat 0

Cholesterol 0

Sodium 604 mg




Medallions of Camel Dung Spit-grilled and Rolled in Sand

Zesty sand coating adds zing to this signature dish from the table of Reza Farah Aidid.

Ingredients

4 medium-sized camel droppings, de-strawed and de-flied

2 C. Sand

Preparation

Skewer droppings on wattle-stick skewer. Grill over a hot fire until hard and very dark brown. Sprinkle sand on hut floor and roll droppings in sand until evenly coated.

Serve with a little thin gruel.


Per Serving

Calories 12

Total fat .04 g

Saturated fat .02 g

Cholesterol 0

Sodium 766 mg


Warm Locust Salad


Crunchy and moist, this crowd-pleaser is perfect for a summer's day picnic

Ingredients


25 medium-sized African locusts

Hemp leaves

Preparation


Remove legs and wings. Set aside.

In large gourd, mix hemp leaves and locusts and toss with a little spit.

Garnish with legs and wings.

Serve.


Per Serving

Calories 220

Total fat 2 g

Saturated fat 1 g

Cholesterol 0

Sodium 488 mg



Baked Chicken with Grubs and Moss


Southern flavors team up in a colorful and delicious lunchtime favorite

Ingredients

One chicken (if you can catch it - it belongs to the Jafra clan) or substitute large toad salamander

Clump hardy perennial moss

Dung-beetle grubs

Preparation


Bake for 40 minutes in the hot sand. Mix well.

Serve.

Per Serving

Calories 339

Total fat 4 g

Saturated fat 2 g

Cholesterol 2 g

Sodium 1088 mg

Ode to My Knife


O Knife
In whose smooth grey strength I trust my life
Do you weep like I when dicing onions fine?
Does your steely tang ache with sharp love divine?

O Blade
From Earth reclaimed and forged as mountains made
Are there mushrooms here or yet to be
That rise up and defy your cuttability?

O Steel
In whose smooth grip a certain warmth I feel
When dreams do come and shadows shroud my food
You smite them right and left, like, awesome, dude

O Knife
If only I could keep you from my scheming wife
The dishwasher that yawns with all its evil hate
Will never all your skills and pristine edge abate.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Blast From the Future

Had a total blast last night with Arlette, Alex and Ryan. Wine enough to drown a Somali pirate boat and kind-of-okay two curries (I'll do better next time -- why is it that the curries I make for myself always turn out excellently, but the ones I make for other folk always have something wrong with them?)

There was guitar playing, there was youtube (somehow parties these days are not complete without the Internet!) and there were pipes of the not-organ variety.

I won't say it was worthy of Ancient Rome but Pliny would have had a laugh or two.

Pictures (not recipes!) to follow.

Next up: THRILLIN' GRILLIN" with our soon-to-come Weber Smokey Joe barbecue!

Sometimes


Sometimes you just want to preserve moments. They'll never be again, and if you look at them many years from now you'll be amazed.

So I preserve this moment in time, what I am looking at on Sunday morning, April 12, 2009 at 8:21 a.m. with a glass of red wine, a tiny clock ticking on the windowsill, a sleeping Brigitte, a melancholy I can't quite parse, the sun threatening to shine against bare winter trees who've been fooled too often and are going back into hibernation, leaving a population of disgruntled squirrels, and the whole rest of my life in front of me.

Note to self: red wine + zopiclone =

Umm, time to retire with book. Hope for three or more pages.

Entirely New Definition of "Asshole," Scientists Stumped

NO ONE can attempt to be a bigger asshole than this guy.

No Comprende

I'm still not understanding the plastic bag thing. What, our neighborhood grocer is being "green" to not offer plastic bags at the cash? Or charging us five cents for the privilege?

Umm, what do I do with my garbage? Just shove everything into the garbage can? Then what? Bring the entire garbage can to the recycling depot? The potato peels, the receipts, the hairballs from my brush?

Umm, nah, I put my garbage in a PLASTIC BAG. If they don't come free from the grocery store, GUESS WHAT?

I have to BUY a big box of plastic bags from Costco. Yup, packaging gone postal. Big cardboard box, lots of twist ties, DEFINITELY NOT GREEN.

What the FUCK is wrong with people's brains? Why are people just so hilariously stupid?

I will personally give up the right to drink this beer I see before me if ANYONE can explain, with a straight face, just why I should refuse a plastic bag at the grocery store.

Fuck me with a bent spoon.

Saturday, April 11, 2009

Shall We Munch a Bunch and Drink Till Pink?

Hey yo, lurkers, shirkers and layabouts who seem to love food,

Why don’t we arrange a monthly get together, but only at BYOBs? Forget upscale joints. Just some cheesy but tasty joint where we can bring multiple bottles, rag on the service and fare (maybe not!) and generally act as a flash mob. This does NOT encompass total dives such as Soupe & Nouilles or Montreal Pool Room. A visit list would have to be arranged and approved by all.

I don’t want to be doomed to Vietnamese food for the rest of my BYOB life but there are others. Greek, Indian, Italian, Thai, even Nickian. OR *gasp* your home!

Who knows. If there are enough of us (say, ten) we could actually get by asking if we could bring some good wines to non BYOB places, just so we eat up nicely. We’d offset by bringing in extra revenue.

Of course, your supper would be your own responsibility — none of this sharing the table equally. The wine would be for all, no hoarding; that’s the only caveat. And there would be a LOT of it. Requirements would be one bottle per pezzanovante (not per couple) and would also include dessert wines, or things such as pastis or grand marnier to chill the evening. Children would be welcome, even desired.

We could arrange car pooling for those who’ve foreclosed on their humvees and it really would be locovorish, wouldn’t it?

Gimme a ring at nick(at)montrealfood.com if interested. Let's paint this town Blanc -- Sauvignon Blanc.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Think, People

I’m no Angelina Jolie. I’m certainly no Brad Pitt, or Bono, or that asshole who used to be in the Squirrelling Banshees. Can’t remember his name now, but he’s a SIR, don’t you know. SIR Asshole.

But I digress. I, as you know, am a profligate philanthropist — I shell out more than my share of quarters when the martini is a good one. And often that leaves my pockets flat. But I don’t complain. It’s for a good cause.

But what I discovered recently just makes my altruistic millionaire-wannabe self’s blood boil. Forget Darfur. Forget Tibet. Forget Global Warming. For God’s sake FORGET GREENHOUSE GAS EMISSIONS and LOCOVORISM! Forget it, forget them all and just look what is right in front of your nose.

Look at this. I’ve shown it to you before, but I’ll show it to you again.

.

See? here, I’ll frame it with some inverted commas so you can see it better: “.”

That, my friends is a period, otherwise known as a full stop, or to our French friends, a “point” (“pwån”).

You think the Earth is overcrowded, teeming with whole segments of the downtrodden who yearn for the bare necessities such as clean drinking water, whose children die like flies due to overcrowding?

Well consider this. In that “pwån” there are, count them, 500,000,000,000 protons. Lass’ I heard that’s FIVE HUNDRED TRILLION. Can you imagine THEIR squatter camps, THEIR favelas? Their drug problems, their teenage pregnancies, their continuing internecine conflicts that cause no, not a mere twelve dead and eight wounded at a school shooting but FOUR HUNDRED BILLION DEAD and TWENTY-THREE BILLION EIGHT HUNDRED AND FIFTEEN MILLION WOUNDED in any given incident?

Where’s the charity? Give generously. Every time you take a shower you wash twenty-seven billion of these communities, each of 500 trillion, down the drain. Who's going to cover the funeral costs? Huh? Even at 0.00001 cents per proton it would still be more than the entire national debt of all the G20 countries combined.

Think about it.

UPDATE April 11, 2009


Heh . . . *red face* . . . umm, sorry, people, I just found out that protons go on for all eternity, no matter WHAT you do to them, so cancel the White Cross shipments and food packages. Especially cancel that huge batch of T-shirts saying "NEUTRONS RUUULE!!!!!!" that somehow got mixed into the relief effort.

Sorry. My bad. Sorry.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

More Cheesy Stuff

I was pissed off last night when I woke up at 4 a.m. and found a refrigerator full of nothing to eat. Who wants to drag a frozen baguette out and sit around waiting for it to thaw? Just to make some stupid sandwich?

No, it has to be instantly microwaveable, three minutes from the second your head leaves your pillow.

So I perversely made a casserole. Ugh. The very word "casserole" makes me break out in a sweat. Grandma food. Better Homes & Gardens. Betty Crocker. Joy of Cooking. Sunset Magazine. But this is road-tested -- I officially made it, ate it for dinner and then had the proverbial munchies. It was better than the first time.

Eat the pictures. Some day I'll add it to the list of recipes I need to post.

But let me tell you, its sausagey-organic beefy prosciutto goodness mixed with cheesy tortiglioni was spectacular at 4 a.m. fresh out of the microwave.

Pronunciation Rant

I'm actually making a bloggable dinner, but it's still in the works, so I'll rant instead.

Why do people have no idea how to pronounce foreign food items? Ya only have to learn it once, people. Case in point -- that overly-muscled idiot in Dinner: Impossible. No matter how many times it was said to him, he just couldn't remember the pronunciation for "gyoza". Gyoza are those Japanese dumplings, as you recall. It's easy. Hard "g" Gee--yo--zah.

But he was calling them "guy yo za" and he ended up calling them "goyas." Can you believe that a nationally syndicated so-called chef could mangle a simple "gyoza" into "goya"?

So, following are my pet peeves:

Sake. Sake is pronounced "sah-kay". NOT "sah-kee." You say sahkee and I say seeya.
Jalapeño. This is pronounced "ha-lah-pain-yo." Not "Halapeeno."
Cumin. This is pronounced "Kyuumin", not "koomin" or, god forbid, "cummin."
Basil. This is apparently called lots of things, but the best thing for you to call it is "Bay-zill."
Habanero. This spicy little beast is always confused with the jalapeño, but it's pronounced "ha-bah-neh-ro" without the tilde.
Sauvignon Blanc. This is pronounced "so-vee-nyohn-blohn" with a nasal "n" sound at the end and not "saveenyonne blank."
Pasta is pronounced "pah-sta", not as these cretins in Canada pronounce it: Paaasta ("a" as in "animal").

Capiche?

Don't you dare get me started on tagliatelle. Or tortiglioni, which happens to be on the menu tonight.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Just Gearing Up Here, Ruth

Have you ever listened to Blue In Green by Miles Davis, from that so-called best-selling jazz album of all time, Kind Of Blue?

Well, the only person on the track who seems to have his shit together is Bill Evans. Miles Davis, (ground shudders) MILES DAVIS sounds like shit. His solo is a meandering, nonsensical piece rife with so many off and trite passages that it's mind-boggling to think this guy was ever hailed as a genius. You can almost hear the smack talking.

John Coltrane's solo is almost as bad. He should have been shot for the fuckups in the middle that screamed "I don't know where I'm going with this, but I'm John Coltrane!"

Just gearing up here, Ruth.

10,000 Ways

You wouldn't know it, but there are 10,000 ways to fuck up a chicken. Actually, there may be more than that, but my personal studies indicate that that's a safe figure to go by.

I never order chicken in a restaurant. Chickens are my pals. I know them so well; I know them all, each and every one of them, by the way they cluck. I know how to pat them. Dry.

CHICKENS ARE MY PALS. When the chips are down, Mr. Little comes to my rescue. A little brining, a little sauce, a little loving care and a sweet prayer and Mr. Chicken goes gently in to that Good Night.

So exactly how does one FUCK UP A CHICKEN? Apparently, it's as easy as Chicken Pot-Pie.

Ask L'Express. Ask them how I hallucinated that their "Poulet grain à moutarde" could be anything other than what I got: a hockey puck in insipid "mustard" what . . ."sirop"? "Bouillon"? For twenty George Franklins, or whomever adorns these bills here. Okay, twenty Pierre Elliot Réné Levesques. Never mind that I spent $40 to get there and back by taxi. That's a $60 chicken, my loveable peasants. SIXTY FUCKING DOLLARS THAT I DON'T HAVE FOR A PIECE OF SHIT RUBBERY TASTELESS CHICKEN TIT THAT I COULD HAVE GOT FROM METRO AND GRILLED IN THE MICROWAVE.

I was dying to have the bavette onglet frites but this once I disciplined myself and said, nah, L'Express will NOT fuck up a chicken. Above all, L'Express's chicken will be the best I've ever had.

*Sigh* I hate to be predictable, but from now on, I will never have anything at L'Express except the hanger steak. My own kitchen chicken, whatever cut or whatever form it takes, sings, positively clucks La Traviata In the key of "C? How good I can B, like, sharp!" over what I was subject to tonight. I brought the remainder home to make my dining companions and the server not feel too bad but now I regret no longer owning a cat.

Not that he'd have anything to do with it either.

(See, Ruth? See how gentle I've become in my old age?)

Thoughts After the Chicken at L'Express

Sometimes it’s difficult to understand how others perceive you. Obviously it’s not good to go through life being preoccupied with how others perceive you but it’s sometimes a good thing to take stock and pay attention. What matters to you might not matter to anyone else. Indeed, it might be an overwhelming preoccupation to you, something you’ve been thinking about for days, maybe weeks, maybe even months, but the important thing is to realize that it’s only you who is thinking these things. Someone else is not thinking these things.

To you, it all makes sense, because you’ve gone over it time and time again; at 4 a.m. mostly, where the wasteland of your life rears its ugly head. Where you sort through the detritus of the day, maybe week, maybe month before. You can’t stop it; it is going to come whether you try consciously or not to block it.

Think of a billion human minds. Not a billion beaver minds, or a billion shrimp minds. Think of a billion human minds, all equipped as you are, thinking about the same thing you are, always in incredibly, some may say incredibly inconceivable circumstances.

How do you appear in the bubble-world of the taxi driver who drives you from L’Express to your home? Is it your duty to care? It’s literally a moment in both of your lives that can never be reclaimed. I don’t mean to place any particular import to this stuff that happens to us day to day, the trip downtown, the hassle with the bank, the argument with the spouse, but in the end, how do you come off? Good? Do you feel good?

I hate it when I don’t feel good. But I feel good tonight. Hope you do too.

Speak to your clergyman if you have personal issues, or want (yourself or your child) to get molested. I hear they have monthly plans.

Upon Getting Old

Lurker Ruth seems to to think I'm losing my touch. (Hi Ruth! You can come out now!) "You haven't been ranting lately, you've been cooking, that's good."

No, that's bad. Don't worry, Ruth, I'll find something to rant about. Very, very soon now. Don't think that all those wee-hour sleepless thoughts are going to waste, Ruth dear.

It's gonna come, and I'm sure it's gonna come SOON. Peace and tranquility aren't all they've been cut out to be, so mark my words: there will be mayhem.

But for now it's off to L'Express in my dayglo green tie and black suit.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Recipe to Follow

Umm . .. recipe title: Roast Chicken with Goat-cheese-prosciutto Stuffing, Roasted Potatoes, Carrots and Pearl Onions with Sautéed Green Beans in Garlic and Shallots.






Saturday, April 4, 2009

Shrimp, Mushrooms and Broccoli with Gorgonzola Cream Sauce

This is another variation on the shrimp/cream theme that I’ve been messing around with lately. But the addition of Gorgonzola just adds this incredible bite that tastes not a whit like mould. Technically you could have this over rice or perhaps some kind of penne or even capellini, but it would probably be equally good on its own, maybe with some scalloped potatoes.



Ingredients

20 - 30 jumbo shrimp, brined and peeled, tails removed, rinsed and patted dry
1 lb. mushrooms, Cremini, Shiitake or even Enoki or a mix, sliced
1 head broccoli, in small florets
1 cup finely chopped shallots
1/4 cup finely chopped garlic
Wedge of Gorgonzola, Cambozola, Stilton or Roquefort, about as much as 2/3rds of a stick of butter
3/4 cup crème fraîche
1/3 cup pancetta, diced into small cubes
Butter
Olive oil
1 cup dry white wine
I cup chicken broth
Pastis
Dried red pepper flakes
Italian parsley, chopped
Basil, chopped
Salt & pepper

Method

You will flambée this dish at two points. Use a charcoal lighter or kitchen match, not a cigarette lighter.

In some olive oil, sauté the shallots and pancetta on medium heat in a nonstick frying pan for about 10 minutes, stirring constantly so as not to scorch. Add garlic and broccoli, sauté further 4-5 minutes. Remove from pan and set aside.

Heat up about 2 tablespoons of butter and a tablespoon of olive oil in same pan. Sauté mushrooms until they have given up their liquid and are turning a rich brown. Carefully splash with about 1/4 cup of pastis, stand well back and immediately light with kitchen match. The flames will go up 2-3 feet, so watch out for your range hood or hold the pan away from it.

When flames have died down, remove mushrooms and set aside in the shallot mixture.

Pour in wine and reduce by approximately half. Add broth and reduce by half again.



Add crumbled Gorgonzola and crème fraîche and gently stir until it becomes a smooth cream. Let simmer approximately ten minutes. Add mushroom mixture and stir to combine. Salt and pepper to taste (this sauce will already be salty, so go easy.)

Simmer, covered, on minimum.

In another nonstick saucepan, heat some butter and olive oil with red pepper flakes until almost smoking. Toss in shrimp and distribute well. After about one minute, with out turning shrimp, pour in another large splash of pastis and flambée. Turn shrimp over for a total cooking time of about three minutes.


Transfer shrimp to cream sauce, toss in basil and parsley, stir to combine well and raise heat to medium. Cook for a further two minutes.


Serve immediately with a half/half mixture of grated Pecorino Romano and Parmigiana Reggiano. Garnish with whole basil leaves.

Welcome

Hi, welcome to Asshole World. I personally have been wrestling with why people are assholes for almost my entire life. It’s just indefinable. There is just no need, no need at all to be an asshole. No need to pull into traffic from your parking spot with no blinkers in front of someone. No need to pull all the way to the front of a line of cars trying to merge onto the freeway and then try to muscle yourself in.

No need to go out to eat when you’re too much of an asshole to be bothered to cook for yourself. To treat other people who are busy serving you like assholes, when really, you are the only asshole.

Sorry, I’m not going to forgive it and chalk it up to plain ignorance. I just tend to murmur under my breath “Assholes will be assholes and there goes yet another one of them.”

So, acquainted as I am with Assholedom, it comes as almost no surprise to read this story.

Fact: There will always be assholes.
Fact: We’re losing the war against assholes.
Recommendation: Avoid assholes whenever possible.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Flustrated

So here am I, blogging while cooking. Blooking? And, as is my wont, watching the Food network. Some new show where some ex-con is teaching ex-cons how to cook. And one of them says "I'm flustrated." Ain't that just the most wonderful word? One for the blooks.

Anyway

Shrimp Pasta Variation #28!

As I type I'm brining the shrimp for an improvised pasta recipe, kind of bringing together all the recipes I've done so far.

The similarities today: still using crème fraîche and white wine. Also flambéeing with a mixture (!) of Pernod, Ricard and Ouzo. Shallots and garlic and Italian parsley. Basil will be there. Mushrooms.

Differences: cubed pancetta and broccoli. Pecorino Romano blend (with Parmigiano Reggiano and Asiago). And the crowning glory: Gorgonzola.

Viva Gorgonzola! I used to hate blue cheese but now I'm kind of getting into it.

Updates with pics at eleven.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Maple Candy

Last week received an invitation from someone named Dan Perreault to come down and take a look at his maple-candy producing outfit in Mirabel (somewhat in our own backyard.)

As I'm a bit of a maple candy fan, I decided to take him up on the offer. His place, Maison Sucré Tremblant, is just outside St-Eustache on highway 148—a fair drive from Montreal, but not if you're not driving, which I wasn't.

Dan Perreault is a strapping fellow at 6-feet 2-odd, kind of lumberjack-like, and exactly what I expected a Maple farmer to look like!

He showed us around the place, a sprawling 2-acre maple grove, and explained the various workings of the maple industry. Quebec easily leads the world in production, outputting at least 20,000 litres of the stuff yearly—four times that of the United States, and maybe ten times that of the rest of Canada.


All very well, thought I, but when do we get to taste? Patience, patience was the watchword, for in due course we reached the Holy Grail—the maple candy shop. For those of you who don't know, maple candy is that delicious, crumbly, solid-honey-in-a-maple-leaf delicacy that fairly yells "Winter, Canada, French-Canadian, rustic, tooth decay."

Munching a heavenly petal from one of these divine creations, I professed my ignorance at how they were made. Some sort of solidifying syrup process, perhaps?

"That's the common misperception," Dan sighed, "but it's actually a lot simpler than that."

He brought us around to a vast concourse in the middle of a clearing in the maple groves, where an astonishing sight greeted us. There were rows upon rows of tables, all covered with aluminum trays, and seemingly millions of perfect, green maple leaves laid out upon them in hundreds of neat rows. "Rangées, we call them," said Dan. But what was going on here? I asked.

He led us to one corner of the group of tables, where there seemed to be fewer maple leaves, and I saw upon coming closer that it wasn't that there were fewer maple leaves—it was that they had become tidy rows of perfect little maple candies! "Try one," Dan said, and I did. Wow! Talk about fresh! One could still taste a hint of chlorophyll, a grassy, autumn taste that suffused the taste buds and threatened to send me into a dreamlike state.

"Tastes a bit like leaf, eh?" Dan chuckled, and I nodded vigourously, because it did! What was this? I asked. I'd never tasted a maple candy quite like that.

"It's because it's still a bit raw," he explained. "Come on, I'll show you."

He led us over a few tables, and I was able to get a closeup look at the leaves. A couple of workers were spraying the leaves out of what looked like watering cans.

"The fresh leaves are harvested while still in the maximum state of verdancy," he explained, "and are then carefully sorted according to size and grade." I still didn't understand. What on earth for? Where were the pails of syrup and the distilling machines etc. etc. that I thought went into the processing of maple candy?

Dan laughed. "That's just a misconception," he said. "Everyone, but everyone thinks we do it that way. It's actually much simpler. If we had to do it that way we'd all soon be out of business, I can assure you!"

It seems that after they are graded and sorted, the fresh green leaves are then arranged in order of potency—that is, the ability to produce goodly amounts of candy base—and sprayed with a light solution of clear glycogen compound. "Then they're angled to get the maximum benefit of the late harvesting season sun's rays. Nature takes it from there."

The phytochemicals in the leaf structure begin to break down, Dan explained, and the glycogen compound helps convert them first into an amber, sticky toffeelike resin as the inner chlorophyll-bearing cells of the maple leaf dissolve around it.

"Then we add the R2, which pushes them into the final candy-conversion stage." And what was R2? "Hush-hush!" he said conspiratorially, and then laughed. "Actually, it's just a mixture of water, a small amount of alcohol and flavourings. It stimulates the individual maple sugar seeds to expand at the cellular level."



I went over to one of the tables and lifted up a perfect candy in the shape of a maple leaf. Although it seemed like a crude approximation of a real leaf, if you looked closely enough, you could see the fine tracery of leaf veins. Did he mean that this was a direct product of a green maple leaf? "Well, that one's not quite finished yet, but when it is, in about a week, yes, it'll look just like the candy you buy at the store."



Wow! talk about an eye-opener. I found out that if one is in the good graces of the maple candy farm owner, he'll sometimes let you have a box of the leaves when they're not quite converted to candy. "You put it in the sun in your kitchen window," said Dan, "and in a couple of days you'll have the freshest stuff this side of paradise!"

Needless to say, I persuaded him to give up a couple of boxes! Now excuse me while I go rotate them in the sun!