Perils of Balcony Barbecuing

We had a plan to barbecue every single weekend if we could. But we only have a tiny spaceship grill -- it's really not equipped to handle too much stuff at a time.

So Saturday Arlette and Alex were due to come over for a Mediterranean feast similar to the week before. We bought all the stuff -- chicken thighs, which I brined and marinated overnight, and kufta, which is basically Moroccan hamburgers.

But I walked out on the balcony Saturday morning and the wind was howling and the temperature was about 5 degrees -- probably closer to minus five with windchill.

So we had to cancel. This not two weeks from June 1st.

But tonight was unavoidable -- the grill had to go on. There was just no way so much food could be skewered and prepared in an oven. Two other friends were supposed to come, one to help me grill. But they never showed, the pimps.

But guess what? It was around ten degrees and howling. I filled my jerry-rigged chimney starter with hardwood, and used some odd charcoal starter blocks I'd bought but never used as a base.

The wind was blowing so hard that they never caught. So I reluctantly poured a little charcoal starter in and tried that. It didn't work. So I gave up and shoved some newspaper under the thing.

That worked.

That worked so fucking well that soon there was a conflagration. Fucking flames three feet high and nothing I could do to calm it down. I was terrified and yelled at Brigitte to come to the balcony and help me. I was wondering how best to put out a fire of this sort . . . water? Not a clue.

Oh, and then the fucking "starter" bricks kicked in. Thanks! THANK YOU! Not doing what I wanted when I wanted, but now doing what I wanted when I didn't want it! BRILLIANT MANUFACTURING, PEOPLE!

Anyway, Brigitte calmed me down -- I was actually considering calling the Fire Department -- and it finally settled down.

Lessons learned: don't jerry-rig a chimney starter. Be averse to so-called "charcoal lighters". DO NOT barbecue when the winds are high. Have a plan for if things go badly wrong. Don't invite no-shows ever again.

Enjoy plump moist Mediterranean chicken and kuftas in grilled pitas with salad with feta and a fantastic pilaf.

Be happy you're not in the Burn Unit Jewish General getting your face debrided.