Upon Disliking Artichokes

Why do we like what we like? And dislike what we dislike? People can be very creative/evasive when it comes to their food. The excuses run from the lame -- "I'm allergic to onions; I break out in a rash when I have one (that's funny, I just made a nice curry in which the onions were copious but hidden, you loved it and I don't see you breaking out in a rash!) -- to my favourite, the Very Lame "I just don't like it."

"Well, have you ever tried it?" "No . . . " "Well, why don't you just have one bite?" "NOOOOO . . . ."

But this is my attitude. So, I'm sure soft-shelled crabs are fantastic with a little lime-pear salsa, but hey, I'm ALLERGIC to soft-shelled crab! Yes, specifically! Only soft-shelled crab makes me break out in hives! Mental ones, but hey, that counts!

Why should I like squash? Could you just tell me why I should like this squishy, slimy, tasteless vegetable when there are so many tasteful, crisp ones available to eat?

And artichoke. Okay, I've never had one. But I've never had roasted tarantula, either. Does that mean I MUST eat at least one bite of artichoke in my life? Just to say I did?

No, I'm not allergic to anything. But hey, you sanctimonious bunch of kitchen preachers, how's about some Dave's Insanity Salsa on that bite of grilled steak? How's about 40-Garlic chicken? Want some adventure, do you?

I'm very slow to mature. I'm just getting around to considering the merits of cooked fish. Hey, why don't you like raw fish? What, slimy, disgusting-looking? Have you ever had just ONE BITE?

I know people who will not touch ham. But they eat bacon cheerily, as long as it's roasted into charred black unidentifiable corpses. WHAT'S THE FUCKING POINT????

People who break into sweats when just ONE serrano chile is diffused into a curry. The other night my guitar friend Dave rose to the challenge when I told him slyly that I could "up the heat within one degree of intolerable pain" with the salsa . . . and passed with flying colours! As would I.

People who like their steaks slathered in HP sauce. This is a crime! Punishable by a perfect, salt-and-pepper garnished medium-rare filet mignon grilled on a charcoal grill.

People who actually eat doughnuts!

People who like zucchini! People who like asparagus! People who eat edible flowers! People who grill fruit! People who like guacamole! People who can't drink beer! People who have never eaten shrimp! People who avoid garlic! People who like foie gras!

You know who you are.

I am Nick, and I am allergic to artichokes.