Nelson Goes To India

(For the uninitiated, this is an ongoing story perpetrated by three people -- so far -- with as many twists and turns as an Afghan haircut). (N) is Nick. (K) is Knatolee. (P) is Pooka. If you want to add to it, just add a comment and I'll incorporate it in the next iteration. We need Nelson to have a GOOD life.
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Nelson was just trying to mind his own business at the beach that day, but suddenly a shadow cut off his sun. (N)

"I woke up this morning, didn't have my cup of tea, and committed homicide," said Knatolee, Nelson's already irritable floozy. (K)

"All right, who did you eliminate this time, Knat, and besides, you're blocking my sun, not to mention my gun, chickie babe."(N)

"You don't have much of a gun, big boy, but what you have ain't gonna save us from the 10,000 Chinese soldiers who're coming over that dune over there." (N)

"What?" (N)

"That's right, big boy, the chicks are friends with the Chinese, and they've called in the troops to fry your charmoula-lovin'ass." (K)

"Hey, Knat, REALLY you're blocking my sun now, okay, I'm speaking French now, fuck the Russians and tell Tai-shee-Pek from me that this small-looking gun here has nuclear capabilities and he'd better not even LOOK at my chicks. (N)

Nelson was momentarily blinded when Knat moved out of the sun and he realised that suddenly, things were very, very wrong -- that there really WERE 10,000 Chinese soldiers over the next dune and his two-shooter was not going to stop them; so he picked up the Red Phone and ate another spring roll, as Berlin was the only logical proposition now. (N)

That was when the small, wizened goat appeared and said in Hebrew, "Manishma. Beseder! I think I can help you." (N)

That was when Knat toppled into the sand, seemingly felled by an egg roll shot from the dastardly Chinese troops; the goat tried to help but then help arrived in a limousine with Perrier and smoked salmon on small blinis, with beluga as an expensive option. (N)

The goat was a rather refined creature with champagne tastes on a cloven-hoofed budget. She snarfled up every last iota of beluga caviar, which further enraged the Chinese troops, who began lobbing goat-eating Komodo dragons over enemy lines. (K)

Unfortunately, the salmon was poisoned with warfarin, a highly toxic chemical used to kill rats and small rodents, but before Knat could take a bite of the poisoned seafood delicacy, the Chinese troops swarmed down and captured her and her deadly meal. (P for Pooka)

It wasn't the goat -- it was Nelson who began to panic when the wave of soldiers threatened to swarm over him and the goat, who, coincidentally, was also named Nelson. (N)

And Knat wasn't worried, because she'd just taken a powerful antidote to the Warfarin. She'd just sit this one out to fight again. (N)

But then Wanda seemed to appear magically, as if in a fog, waving her battleaxe and beating off the host of Asian warriors who threatened both Nelson and Nelson with their seemingly irresistible dark-toned kimonos. (N)

(Note: There will be occasional side stories. This is one of them:

Knatolee said...

Ahem. You said no profanity, yet the F-bomb is clearly dropped in paragraph seven. I'm just saying, is all.

Floozy

3:27 AM
Delete
Blogger ChefNick said...

THIS!

Can be taken all the way to the Supreme Racquetball Court!

Allow me to fire the clerk who made the mistake and replenish the error.

My apologies to all reprehensible.

Nelson (the goat)

Suddenly, one of the kimonos which had been imported from Japan since the Chinese don't have the equipment to manufacture them became unraveled due to the lack of expertise in wrapping the kimono by a Chinese warrior and enveloped Wanda and her battleaxe causing the horde of Chinese troops to overcome her. (P)

As the Chinese troops began to ravish Wanda, a butter tart rolled out of her pocket, diverting the attention of the attacking troops, who had never before seen such a delicious Canadian baked treat! (K)

But, this innocent little Canadian butter tart was Wanda's secret weapon because it had been baked with Warfarin, that toxic chemical used to kill rats and small rodents, and when the kimono clad Chinese warrior who had been holding Wanda took a bite, the poison tore through his system causing him to release Wanda who picked up her battleaxe, swung it mightily and chopped off his head. (P)

And as Wanda was preparing to slay the remaining invading horde of Japanese manufactured, kimono clad Chinese, a Vizslador which is a Designer Dog mix of the breeds of Vizsla and Labrador Retriever, ran up and tried to snatch the poisoned Canadian tart from the dead lips of the headless Chinese warrior which caused Wanda to drop her battleaxe and grab the noxious item from the Vizslador's mouth before he had the chance to ingest any of the toxin. (P)

And Knatolee the floozy cried, "There's a whole lotta war-farin' goin' on!"
(K)

Dr. Sloth then appeared out of the mists of the battlefield and cried, "This is not warfarin, but rather coumidin, and the dose isn't capable of killing humans but it might poison the Vizslador" which didn't help the dead, beheaded, Japanese manufactured, kimono clad Chinese warrior.(P)

Dr. Sloth then leaped onto his llama, also name Nelson, not to be confused with the human named Nelson or the goat named Nelson, and rode into the battlefield to help Wanda slay the horde of invading, Japanese manufactured kimono clad Chinese, wielding the head of the beheaded, dead Chinese warrior as his weapon with the Vizslador who was also named Nelson following him as his faithful companion. (K)

Whereupon they discovered that Nelson the llama loved to eat kimono fabric! (K)

Nelson, the goat, saw Nelson, the llama, enjoying a nice bit of kimono fabric, and the two Nelson started to eat their way through the marauding horde of Chinese warriors which gave Wanda the chance to swing her battleaxe while Dr. Sloth used the dead Chinese head to bonk the live Chinese so that Wanda could decapitate them. (P)

Whereupon Dr. Sloth cried, "Where the hell is Chef Nick today? How dare he have a life outside this blog!" (K)

It wasn’t the brouhaha with the Chinese or their expertise at martial arts and poisoning that really bothered Nelson; not the goat or the llama, but our fierce, dedicated Human Nelson, he of the Free Mason Order Of Jacknapery. The main problem was Goat Nelson, who couldn't get his hooves together enough to either make antidotes or strike off the Chinese horde of fanatics who were striking at all points right and left. (N)

(Side note, but although we're breaking the rules here, Human Nelson would like to just make a small comment): "Hey, lose the goat and goddamn llama. I wanna be a rock star." (N)

What, the Vizslador was also named Nelson??? (N)

Indeed, the Vizslador WAS named Nelson, being as noble and admiral-ble as the famed Lord Nelson. but as the Vizlador was sniffing Nelson the goat's butt, as dogs are wont to do, Nelson the llama tore off a chunk of kimono that was just the right size to ball up and get wrapped around his esophagus, which it did, killing him instantly. (K)

This unfortunate accident left only 3 Nelsons who were Human Nelson, he of the Free Mason Order Of Jacknapery, Nelson the goat from the lost tribe of the Hebrew nation and Nelson the Vizslador, which was very sad because four Nelsons were needed to perform the ancient Hebrew ritual that would cause the Chinese warriors to implode.(P)

Nelson was coming finally around to realizing that there could really be only one Nelson. Maybe it was time to act. It was now for the ancient Tablet of Judeah, and the ancient words to be spoken.

This was no small undertaking; spirits had to be commanded to come back to life. Wanda was history now, a fading memory. Nelson would finally have to kill Nelson the goat, llamma and the Vizslador. Otherwise, his only claim to the throne was severely threatened.

Besides, that THING that had been in the background, lurking over the ridge, had recently been making very disturbing shuffles and grunts. Nelson didn't know exactly what it was, but he somehow knew that it was very big. This would require the largest sword in his arsenal.(N)

A few days later, things seemed to have calmed down. Even though Nelson had ditched the other Nelsons, he still seemed detached, hysterical. It was as if the Chinese warriors and Wanda and Knat had never existed, somehow. All in the past. But the Thing was still there and Nelson knew not to let down his guard too much.

“It’s the bees,” he said, “the bees inside my head.” (N)

"Not to mention the mosquito that bit my middle toe last night, causing it to itch incessantly," said Knatolee. (K)

But little did Knatolee know that the mosquito was a secret weapon, sent by the powerful Overlord that most people only knew as "Chang", only because he was so reclusive, living high in the thin air in a mountainous region near Tibet.

That itch . . . that "itch" -- was actually a powerful transforming agent that was designed by Taoist monks to turn people into Megapeople. And all Knatolee didn't know is that she didn't want to become a Megapeople. But she would be, before she didn't know it. (N)

Uhh, hey, yo, what happened to evil Dr. Sloth? He hasn't been given his retirement pay yet.(N)

And that was how Nelson found out that Dr. Sloth was actually the powerful Overload known as Chang who had injected the transforming agent into Knatolee, but the ancient Hebrew ritual would also work on this Megapeople curse except Nelson needed to perform the ritual in quadruple strength and the side effects might be that Knatolee would shrink to the size of a pea. (P)

But as it happened, Knatolee quite liked peas and just finished harvesting some from her garden, and so would feel quite comfortable nestled up against them in a pottery bowl, that is until her Evil Overlord Husband, the Great Gordini, ate the whole bowl of peas. (K)

We can only guess at what the consequences might have been if her Evil Overlord Husband had ate Knatolee when she was a pea, but the ancient Hebrew ritual had not yet been performed by Nelson and our Knatolee was growing by leaps and bounds so much so that her clothes were starting to shred much like The Incredible Hulk except that she wasn't turning green, rather a very subtle puce with pale lavender highlights. (P)

Then, Nelson, quite to the contrary, came up with the idea of meeting a rabbi, even though he himself had no religious affiliations at all, to understand the mysteries of the ancient Texts, and also the mechanics of peas, which, unfortunately, the rabbi had no sermons about.

But meanwhile, the sinister Dr. Gordini was working behind the scenes, trying to prevent Knatolee, his very own wife, from knowing the truth: there was more behind the peas than she knew, and Dr. Sloth was still slithering about in the shadows with his nefarious tricks, and believe me, he was surely up to no good except to feed his face and dream up things to become THE Overlordish Overlord of the Megapeople, -- but especially, Nelson, who stood alone now, bereft of his other Nelsons.

It turned out that Dr. Chang was, indeed, Dr. Sloth -- they were one and the same. But what was his next evil plan? Nelson had a right to be very worried. The mountainous, airless regions of the Chinese-controlled areas of Tibet were getting cold with the oncome of autumn and Chang/Sloth was about to emerge from his lair.(N)

Unknown to Nelson was that the rabbi that he had consulted had a grandmother named Nelson, and that this Rabbi had 2 children who also carried the proud Nelson blood which could be used to form the 4 Nelson quadruped of knowledge to perform the ancient Hebrew ritual, but there was no way of informing Nelson of how close he was to having his Nelsons reunited in one glorious bond of Nelson ancestry. (P)

Nelson woke up with a hangover that morning. He was seriously regretting the absence of the goat, Nelson. It seared his soul that he had been so rash. But he made a bagel with cream cheese and walked his dog, who, curiously enough, was named Neslon. Kind of like teflon, but not. Nelson did not know about the new revelations about the ancient Hebrew ritual and the glorious reunification of the Nelson tribe — but he was soon to find out. (N)

And Knatolee cried, "Puce is SO not my colour! But I'm okay with lavender." (K)

The dog, Neslon, now having been walked, which annoyed the neighbour, a man named Noslen, by doing bad things on his lawn, Nelson returned home to find a post-it note on his door, left by Knatolee, saying something about “puce.” Knowing that that means “flea” in French, he decided to find out what his options were — after all, the French were always his enemy and had always been.

For all he knew, Dr. Chang was French. Who knew what these underworld characters were all about? Maybe even The Evil Magician Gordini was also French.

Thus, the whole conspiracy of the Freemasons came back to haunt him. He decided to have a salad with Balsamic vinegar dressing and mull the problem over while watching “The Bold and the Restless" on his Magnavox black and white television, in the garage near the refrigerator that hummed. He seriously needed time to think.(N)

Once Nelson had had time to relax with his watch and scotter, he reflected on the Megapeople and the threat they posed. They were not the mere “transformers” from the movies, nor were they robots. He considered the transformation process that made a Megapeople. It was such an ingenious and cunning trick that he had a hard time dismissing Drs. Chang and Gordini (Doctors’ Office, sorry, we’re on lunch break, can you leave a message or call back at 1:30) as the masteminds.

The Megapeople were a soaring race. They ranged about thirty-five feet tall. Nelson harbored no illusions about the threat they posed. With the ancient Hebrew texts in hand and the knowledge of the rabbi, they made the 50,000 Chinese just a tiny memory.

He would have to get to the Secret Hand; a device that was only known to a few. It controlled everything the Megapeople did or would adhere to. It was the only thing they would truly obey. He had read about it in obscure texts in the library a number of years ago, but now it came all back in lightning recall.

Get to the Secret Hand: then Nelson could eliminate all the multiple threats — Dr. Chang & Messrs Gordini (please call for an appointment, the doctors are not in the office until August 12th) and the evil Megapeople.

This had to be done, not just now, but soon. So he poured himself an apple wine cooler and snacked on some very nice purple grapes from the winery over the hill and contemplated getting some 6-year-old cheddar to go with it from the fromagerie just down the road, where a cheesemaker named Nselons made the best cheese in the neighbourhood. (N)

What Nelson was unaware of was that the humming refrigerator was actually a transmitter that sent a message to the leader of the Freemason conspiracy who just happened to be Dr. Sloth who was also Dr.Chang the powerful overlord who wanted to control the powers of the Nelsons for himself so that he could spread anarchy across the great horizons of the world and perhaps poison a few of its inhabitants because he so so good at poisons, especially warfarin also known as coumidin. (P)

Nelson was very aware of the hemolytic powers of coumadin. It thinned your blood to the consistency of water, not the usual molasses. Thus, like a hemophiliac, from a simple cut you could bleed literally to death in a matter of minutes. The platelets were absent — they just didn’t show up as ordered. But Nelson was canny, if not smart.

His antidote — tranexamic acid — was available from the Walmart down the street and he made sure he had a large supply of it at all times. Poison was not going to do him in. He feared it was going to be an army of bees. (N)

The Secret Hand was hidden very cleverly inside a tomb high up in the Himalayas where Dr. Chang/Sloth used their magic powers to control both the Megapeople and the invading kimono clad Chinese army who were bent on the destruction of Nelson, but since Nelson had his faithful Vizslador, also named Nelson, Nelson could have Nelson use his formidable tracking abilities to find the Secret Hand and destroy his enemies and perhaps also find another goat and a llama named Nelson or at least find something better to drink than an Apple wine cooler. (P)

Yes, Nelson had secretly hidden Vizslador. It must be told. He knew how powerful Vizslador was, and had hidden the fact that he had not eliminated Vizslador, even though he wanted the world, including the Sloth/Chang/Gordini triumvirate to think he had violently eliminated all the Nelsons. He knew the Chinese army, while seemingly eliminated, were massing in the background, fortifying themselves with garlic shrimp, for possibly a massive assault on all the Nelsons remaining — those “remaining Nelsons” a secret Nelson himself was not to give up just yet.

He wanted to always keep the enemy off base, in the dark. Knatolee had seemingly gone to ground, afraid of the mighty battle that was gearing itself up. It was only to be understood. She had fought hordes and was resting for the immense conflict to come. (N)

No, our Knatolee had not gone to ground because when Nelson looked up, he saw her in all her puce and lavender glory leading a band of cats with a gaggle of dogs on their way to save the day because unbeknownst to Nelson, 5 cats consisting of 3 Tortoiseshells, a fluffy Orange tabby and a 3 legged grey tabby, riding 2 Irish Setters, a yellow Labrador, a Brittany and a Japanese Chin, were the way that the Vizslador could be found and complete the mission to find the Secret Hand which was going to save all mankind. (P)

“Do you mean THE Japanese Chin? the infamous impostor who ruined Angkor Wat? He of the famous Bushy Black Beard? How could this be possibly so?” thought Nelson as he absent-mindedly cut off the tip of his finger while he peeled a carrot. He quickly stanched the blood with a Life-brand bandaid. (N)

Whereupon Knatolee rose up in all her puce and lavender magnificence and cried, "Don't use a Life-brand bandaid! Cheap crap that leaves adhesive on your skin! (K)

Nelson, while sitting on his porch and shooting botflies out of the sky with his trusty Willard-Remington 2000, absent-mindedly realised that the Blue Period was coming up the very next day. It was actually a tribute to Picasso, the famous plumber (not the painter we’re familiar with) and involved chanting with mellifluous voices and much blue dye. But he remembered Knatolee’s advice and switched to a Band-aid™ brand bandage because he despised adhesives of any kind.

“I sing the blue,” he muttered, as another botfly went down. “I play the blue.” For the moment, in his reverie, all was forgotten: Chin, Evil Gordini, Sloth/Chang, Wanda, Knatolee, Pooky and the 50,000 Chinese soldiers who had switched from egg rolls to shrimp crackers.

But that was very soon to change. (N)

Nelson’s first mistake on the first day of the Blue Period was trying to make blue salsa. He realized the challenge: most tomatoes were not blue. In fact, most food on the planet was not blue, unless you included pansies. So, he chopped some pansies in an attempt to make the salsa blue, but it just became a sick purple. Then he ate it, which made HIM turn a sick purple.

And it was months before the Purple Period. (N)

Actually the color Nelson turned was puce, yes the very same color that Knatolee was sporting since she was transformed into a MegaPeople, but Nelson's puce was a solid puce unlike Knatolee's puce which had accents of lavender, and Nelson's puce coloration gave him the idea that perhaps he should investigate being a home decorator because he had heard they make a lot of money. (P)

But we aren't done with Dr. Sloth/Chang. Dr. Sloth/Chang found a bounty of blue peas and Russian blue potatoes in Knatolee's vegetable garden, which he happily sampled without knowing the drastic side-effect: Dr. Sloth/Chang's male appendage fell to the ground and a bra magically wrapped itself around his chest... or should I say HER chest, for Dr. Sloth/Chang was now... A WOMAN! (K)

Nelson had been felled by a pellet fired by the Megapeople while he sat innocently on his balcony. It came from nowhere and the effects lasted several days, but finally he was coming through the fog. (N)

(Two weeks later): There was a storm brewing in the skies above White Plains, Minnesota. Not that Nelson knew anything about it, since he lived on an island called Khanayam just southeast of Java. But it spelled trouble. (For the BUFFALO, silly people, not NELSON).

But he snapped awake, and, in his concern for the buffalo that he didn’t know about, made a small prayer circle and summoned the Secret Hand, something he had been meaning to do anyway all these days. (Toes extra, but consult your flyer, possibly all the way thru Saturday).

There was a rush and a whoosh and the Secret Hand appeared as his small circle widened in the Javan dust.

“NELSON!” a sudden voice thundered, and he knew it was the Secret Hand, “NELSON!”

He quickly grabbed a beer from the fridge and came back to the prayer circle. THIS was going to be a show he didn’t want to miss. (N).

And Dr. Sloth whispered, "I love a man who can make a good buffalo mozzarella!" (K).

“Hmm,” Nelson pondered after he sat down with his beer and stared at the Secret Hand, “Pizza.”(N)

Yes, the Secret Hand was actually a pizza which was made with not only mozzarella but some yummy Abbamare, a semi-soft cheese made from a mixture of cows’ and sheep’s milk. mixed with Madonie Provola, a stretched curd cows’ milk cheese made in the mountains of Madonie in the province of Palermo, and it was these 3 cheeses that gave the Secret Hand pizza the ability to speak. (P)

“Wow,” thought Nelson, “gotta love Madonie Provola. Mom made those. I still remember them.” (N)

And then he thought, “Hey, enough of Dr. Sloth! I’ll just hire the Megapeople and the Chinese hordes and find his little spider hole in the hinterlands and eliminate him! The Secret Hand pizza will have to help me, of course.” (N)

And then Nelson had the most brilliant thought: wouldn't Secret Hand pizza be a fabulous appetizer for the wedding meal? (K)

But the Abbamare, the semi-soft cheese, was a problem. He’d never seen it at the cheese store. And he was getting cold feet about the wedding. It was coming up that Sunday and the preparations for it were vast.

The entire Nelson clan would be attending — and there were a lot of them. He’d rented the nearby Quezar Stadium but it still only held 12,000 people and he knew there were more Nelsons than that.

Plus, he hadn’t hired the caterers yet and had a budget of $456. (N)

And if you counted all the non-human Nelsons, the total for the wedding would be in the hundred thousand figure so Nelson had to think quickly about how he could possibly feed and seat that many Nelsons with only $456.00, but he soon came up with a brilliant plan which was to take the entire $456.00 and buy lottery tickets with the numbers given to him by The Secret Hand which gave Nelson new confidence that his upcoming nuptials would be a wedding to remember. (P)

Yes, it was truly a brilliant plan, because the Secret Hand knew a man named Slonen, who worked for the lottery corporation. Slonen was privy to all the upcoming numbers and the jackpot for that weekend was $14.8 million. Nelson would win it, even save $455 out of the $456, because the winning ticket only cost one dollar, so he’d have enough to feed ALL the Nelsons, human and non-human, and then buy what he’d always wanted: a pet raccoon.

He thought he might name it Nelson, if it were a boy. He hadn’t yet thought of a name if it were a girl. (N)

And then it came to him, in a thundery flash of brilliance eerily reminiscent of an A-bomb dropping on some Godforsaken south Pacific atoll: if the raccoon was a girl, he'd name it... Nelsonette. (K)

Nelson remembered that A-bomb test. It was code-named “Slenon” and it had obliterated the entire Cargo-cult-worshipping tribe of Vanuatu. This was technically a good thing, as they had been waiting for the coming of John Frum, the long-awaited White God, who for sure was delayed at Gate 26 due to a snowstorm in the southwest.

The words echoed in his brain: "'E look like you. 'E got white face. 'E tall man. 'E live 'long South America."

And he decided to name his raccoon, if it were a girl, "Nelsonette."(N)

But Nelson should have known not to become complacent. Dr. Sloth/Chang and the Evil Gordini had not been idle. They had “reached out” and gotten Slonen. Nelson, exultant when he actually won the 14.8 million dollars with his one-dollar ticket, deposited it in his checking account. “At last,” he crowed, “I can pay off all my debts and finance my wedding and feed all 14,054 Nelsons at the same time!”

He was in a jaunty mood when he rerturned home from the bank and made himself a BLT with fat bacon, very old cheddar cheese and crisp, crisp lettuce from the farmers’ market. “Hmm, mustard or no mustard?” he contemplated as he absent-mindedly sautéed the bacon.

He didn’t know that Chang/Sloth and Gordini had turned the tables on him. There would be no miraculous wedding, because in actuality, his bank account had been DEBITED 14.8 million dollars due to a quickly-executed Ponzi scheme (8.3 hours, a Guinness World Record verified by J. Alan Richter from Guinness Publishing, jalanrichter@guinness.com) so now instead of being able to feed the Nelson masses, he was on the run from his creditors.

There was only one solution. The Secret Hand had failed him. What was he going to do? (N)

(Here the document becomes difficult to read. Perhaps coffee stains. But it seems something happened to Nelson that left him unable to write, for at least a month. However, as you will see, Nelson was not done yet).

Nelson was not in the habit of revealing his first name to anyone, lest he be distinguished from others of the Nelson clan and possibly singled out for revenge by the Senlons, due to an ancient vendetta that stretched back over centuries. The Senlons would have no mercy if they found Nelson. So he wouldn’t tell anyone his first name was “Hieronymous.”

But now Nelson was back, and he was hungry. For Indian food, perhaps at Maison India. How could he stop watching “King Kong,” take a shower and persuade bride McNelson to take him to Maison India for the Chicken Bangalore Phal that he craved? It certainly didn’t help that he had no money. No money would buy no samosas, that was for sure. (N)