Movies for Gerbils

Just imagine a world in which there was a movie tailor-made for each and every one of us. A world in which Brigitte wouldn't throw her hands up at the first signs of violence, even though I plead "That's just the beginning! The rest is very peaceful!" And one of her movies starts with that worst of harbingers, Sarah-Jessica-Parker-Ryan-Roberts-Aniston-Kudrow-Hudson yada yada.

She obviously can't stand the explosions of "The Longest Day" or -- well, according to her lust after a particular star, in this case, Matt Damon, she actually wades through the gratuitous homicides and stilettos up the nose in order to swoon when Matt fills the screen.

So where shall the twain meet? Movies for gerbils. A gerbil director and a gerbil cast. Tagline: "Under the Human Heel and Wheel." Location: a gerbil cage, with gerbils driven to slave labor by tormentor child.

Romance, as girl gerbil meets reluctant hamster escapee from across the street. Explosions as children set off firecrackers in the streets below. Tension. Romance. Interracial marriage.

Now that the Meg Ryan Meg-Ryan-fest is over, can I go back to the bedroom?