Brigitte loves to point out "That's life." Yes, this is indeed life. But it doesn't mean we should have to like it.
Some might point to me and say "He's a wastrel," and yes, maybe they'd be right.
But Brigitte's brother's 50 something darling wife is riddled with cancer and has about 3 months max to live.
What is life? The only one we've got? Is it toil in an office all day, every day, coming home to the kids who never see you for years on end? Or is it the individual who gets through life on drugs or alcohol, merely traipsing through each day until the next one comes along?
How could I possibly care what's for dinner when my life is practically certain to end within three months, and probably very, very badly? Just doctors and hospitals and LOTS of pain that I never imagined possible . . .
Well just think that I'd immediately start smoking again, seek out a heroin dealer and start to drink the most expensive champagnes on the planet.
Anna is going to die and I am going to live.
It's hard.
Ah, man. That sucks mightily. Who knows why bad things happen to good people. I am pushing 60 and should have been dead many times over. I had cancer three years ago, was in a motorcycle accident last year and all I got was a broken leg, I am a smoker and my lungs are crystal clear. WTF. I figure God isn't done with me yet. It's the only answer I can come up with. My prayers are with you and your family.
ReplyDeleteKaren,
ReplyDeleteLove you, but no gods figure in any of my pictures. Call me a nihilist, but my view of death is the same as that of before birth: nothingness, for all eternity. Trust me, you won't be around to witness all eternity. There will be no heaven, no hell, no "rebirthing as an ant" or anything like that. People fear death, but do they fear where they were before they were born? Same thing.
I most of all fear the PROCESS of dying, the KNOWLEDGE that you won't be able to sit in your easy chair and watch Maury and have some hot cocoa and look forward to Christmas.
THAT is what I fear. If I were a TRUE nihilist I would choose the place of my own dying, ie. suicide, but why not just start smoking again, get addicted to Heroin, climb Mt. Everest or jump out of an airplane multiple times? Hey, if you're going to die, do it right.
But probably I wouldn't. I'd drink a fifth of scotch a day and insist on more painkillers and lie in my bed and listen to my old music on headphones and refuse food and when the pain got too bad, I'd up it to Rum as well and insist on more painkillers.
At some point, "God" or whatever entity you want to point to, would give me my receipt and I'd check out for all eternity.
Let's hope it goes that way for all of us.
This actually (helped) depress(ed) me for a little bit yesterday but then later it depressingly helped me. Because I was able to see a huge work problem a little differently. It occurred to me to ask, "How would they handle this mess if I died??? If I didn't exist, what would probably happen?" See, I might not have gotten THERE without this so this is helpful, thank you.
ReplyDeleteBut I also asked myself, "Okay, really, given what you know about how things work, what DO you think is going to happen when you die?" Thinking about how wood burns and the heat and light are just gone, absorbed into other things. (And other similar thoughts...) I suppose my spirit or energy or life force, whatever I have left will just dissipate. My energy will be absorbed back into the universe. But I don't think it will take "me" with it. I'll just become part of the magnetic field or something.
Maybe I'll come back as a magnet! ;)
And also, I'm sorry for your sister-in-law and you and Brigitte.
ReplyDeleteQaro,
ReplyDeleteIt's taken 52 years for me to come, merry-go-round-like, to the same conclusion. I have nothing, repeat-- nothing -- against people who have the end-of life strategy all wrapped up. If a dog could think in terms we understood, he sure as hell would imagine twenty doggy virgins and eternal hunting around the clouds for all eternity.
It's not the being dead that bugs me. It's the lack of life that bugs me. As I get older every single thing that happens in and around me becomes so precious. I don't have to "Eat the 100 most amazing things before I die".
All I know is that death is the abrupt and final termination of "possibilities" and that termination is complete, merciless and mindless all at once.
Death is something worst beheld when it happens to someone other than yourself. But when you think about it as you're just going back to the place you were before you were born, it makes it not that bad.
We are both lucky and cursed at the same time to be able to contemplate these things.
And thank you. Anna is going to die and I pray to my non-existent gods that it's not going to be the horror I imagine it will be.
ReplyDeleteI do things every week at which I bitch and moan but every time I do, vampire like, horrifically, I say to myself I'm NOT GOING TO BE DEAD in six months, so SHUT THE FUCK UP AND ATTEMPT to have a REASONABLE BRAIN FUNCTION DURING THAT PERIOD. GUESS WHAT? YOU WON THE FUCKING LOTTERY. YOU'RE GOING TO LIVE.
But Anna's going to die. I'd put myself in her place is I weren't so selfish . . .