You know, throughout my life, I kind of haven't been much of a fan of sports. Either playing them or watching them. Okay, I got kind of rabid there, for about 8 years, a while ago, getting heavily into racquetball, going to tournaments either as an audience member or a participant, but I can't imagine doing that any more.
I hated soccer and field hockey and rugby and cricket when I was a kid, because naturally, we were forced to do them.
I now hate baseball, ice hockey and golf (sorry, forgot my special hate for football!) and I just kind of wish they'd all move to a different planet.
However, it occurred to me that they could make these sports more interesting, much more enjoyable.
If they played all of them to the death.
Just imagine -- that freak Barry Bonds, the musclebound baseball player, NOT hitting the home run that surpasses Babe Ruth's. Shot on the spot, in front of 70,000,000 fans, brains and bits of bone flying all over his 99 uniform. Horrific, but entertaining.
The entire Habs team, hanged after a game because they were defeated by the Philadelphia Flyers. The weeping wives and children, the aghast fans. An entire team at one swipe.
Tiger Woods, missing the 18th and victory at Augusta by one putt, the ball hanging on a tuft of grass next to the hole, beheaded by a portable guillotine set up nearby for the very purpose.
OJ Simpson, years after winning the Heisemann trophy, and nothing to do with any double murders, being crucified in front of a cheering crowd, with nails, for acting in bad movies.
John McEnroe, thrown into a small sand pit with two very gaunt lions, hands tied behind his back, just for being John McEnroe.
Whole leagues of cricket teams being forced to walk through known mine fields in Cambodia after losing their matches, or even because only one of their members failed to stop a ball from hitting the wicket.
Now that would be great sports, great television. You heard it here first.
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