God, this is becoming something of a singsong. I should just carbon-copy one of my old "Japan Trip" posts. It always begins the same ways; first the dread. It's not fear of flying -- not that at all. I love being on a plane. Turbulence or odd noises don't worry me in the least. It's the dread of unexpected huge lines . . . the stop-and-shuffle plod that's better reminiscent of Soviet bread lines . . . the huge DUMBNESS behind it all. The one thing I hate most is asking myself why people are so gosh-darned DUMB. Not the counting-pennies-at-the-checkout-line dumb, but dumbness that extends to people who are supposed to be tasked to PROTECT you dumb.
The dread of the overzealous customs officer, freshly one year out of community college, who suddenly realizes she can put you in FUCKING JAIL if you breathe wrong. This kind of nameless dread, the utter sense of helplessness -- it's that that paralyzes me to the core.
Okay, it's official: I'm a predictability freak. And life is a hopeless game of trying to predict what's going to happen. Make rules, they don't work. "Monday, no bank, no official institutions. Wednesday good. Avoid line with white hair in it. Stay away from U-Haul truck. Don't forget Gravol under any circumstances."
Trouble is, none of this works. And if you think that you've got the jump on the polarity-plug problem by deliberately trying to plug it in the opposite way to what your instinct says, you will always be wrong. And if you see through that and try to plug it in the way your instinct said in the first place, you will be wrong . . . again.
But as usual, this kind of Twilight Zone reality kicked in the whole Japan trip. What I thought would happen didn't happen. What I didn't think would happen happened. But I learned a few things this trip (I always do):
1. Have your shit wired tight. Have a routine to where you store your precious stuff. Always check and cross check, even if you think you did. One mistake -- leaving your credit card at a fast food restaurant in Buttfuck Idaho, and you're homeless.
2. Try to make negative things positive. Flight delayed? Come up with a creative crack to entertain the gate agent. I have made more first class upgrades with a few jokes than Jerry Lewis has won the Palme d'Or.
3. Give up when it's useless. Never resist in the face of tinpot dictator security/immigration/gate agent power. They swagger, but anything you do to antagonize them is going to get you in far more trouble than you planned. They know it. I've lived in quite a few "developing" countries where swaggering comes as a job requirement for those with even a smidgeon of authority. Don't think that just because we're "developed" that anything is any different.
4. Be cunning. Use every trick at your disposal to stand out from the crowd, in a positive way. Don't dress like a slob with a reverse ball-cap and a Giants T-shirt.
5. Never blame the drones for what was created by their masters.
6. Uhhh, don't do this.
Well, I could go on. But let's just say I was losing all hope on my way back . . . I never panic on a plane because the plane is freaking me out, but this time I almost panicked at the thought of having to complete the rest of the journey. I was just so fucking tired . . . one more step, one more gate, one more immigration form really had me on the edge of losing it. But, as these things often happen, an Angel stepped in at just the right time to clear me and let me reboot -- in this case, a seatmate who made me completely ditch all my troubles and concentrate on other things than worry. He was an Apple salesman with a cool laptop who just took me out of my funk and reminded me that, hey, not everyone's out to kill you. And just reflecting from his positive attitude just made all the troubles go away.
6. Sometimes there is just no explanation for what happens. After 54 years, I'm still learning this.
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