Attention, Shoppers

Here's the deal: You shop, I shop, we all shop.

But why is it such a deal for you? Why must you compound grocery stores' already crazy herding strategies by becoming a sheep, like they want you to be?

Here's a primer on how to shop.

1. Don't crowd the aisles with your cart. Only you are preoccupied with what's in your cart.

2. Be aware of people around you. There are going to be assholes JUST LIKE YOU with carts to block the aisles while you browse half an aisle away. They just want to get through! Hey, you must realise it's the supermarket's strategy to stall traffic! They WANT you to get stuck and look at the product.

3. Park your cart in a strategic location and go fetch your items. Preferably out of people's way. Just park the fucking thing and do your shopping. Could Einstein put it any better? Hmm, maybe. Cart + parked at end of aisle B in front of potato chips where no one goes = Efficiency. Hey, got legs? Use them!

4. Don't hang around in front of the pickles inordinately long. There is a good chance someone else also wants to look at the pickles. Is that okay with you?

5. The cash. Do NOT get me started.

6. Get your fucking Method o' Payment together. GET IT TOGETHER, dude! Don't pull your voluminous wallet out when the total rings up and fumble for your credit/debit/asshole card, or search for the small change. I have a life, last time I checked! I'm next in line! Yeah, maybe I'm Type A but you're Type Z!

7. Fucking push your fucking shopping cart out of my way. Don't leave it there. Don't you even dare think of leaving it there.

8. Hey, Bag Guy, where you goin'?

9. Oh, now it's 5 cents per bag? Oh, very logical! Now it means I pay $5 for a box of garbage bags. Ecologically sound! I SEE THE REASONING THERE!

10. Attention, shoppers! Asshole on aisle 4!