Assholes (you know who you are), please don't start leaving comments on blog posts while being complete SPAMMENTATORS,
How do these ASSHOLES get through a filtered community like BLOGSPOT?
Oh, give 'em a "Captcha"and they Will Come.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
LOL . . . The Not-So-New Plague
Isn't it amazing how things "get viral?" Human ingenuity knows no bounds.
LOL. WTF? OMG! Can you imagine primitive man sitting around, just having invented fire, to burn the wheel his neighbour invented the day before, sitting around making this stuff up?
Primitive email . . . just think about it. Lucy, 4 million years old, emailing her new boyfriend, Mike. "Mikey! Mikey! I'm just so horny LOL. Lets have a baby OMG."
With all the speling errers ansd\ the typos. LOL, Mikey! I went to the festival yesterday and saw ROCKS OF FIRE TOTALLY COOL< OMG YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You ROCK, Mikey! Any chance of coming over tonight DOBLE LOL DUDE
See where that goes?
LOL. WTF? OMG! Can you imagine primitive man sitting around, just having invented fire, to burn the wheel his neighbour invented the day before, sitting around making this stuff up?
Primitive email . . . just think about it. Lucy, 4 million years old, emailing her new boyfriend, Mike. "Mikey! Mikey! I'm just so horny LOL. Lets have a baby OMG."
With all the speling errers ansd\ the typos. LOL, Mikey! I went to the festival yesterday and saw ROCKS OF FIRE TOTALLY COOL< OMG YOU HAVE NO IDEA. You ROCK, Mikey! Any chance of coming over tonight DOBLE LOL DUDE
See where that goes?
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
One Million
It's just too huge to wrap your mind around. After about 1,000, which is pretty much what you have in your bank account, the numbers become meaningless.
But when they become YEARS, it's impossible to imagine. One million miles, okay, okay. I can do the addition. Even 98 million miles . . . the distance to the sun . . . I can kind of process that.
But one million YEARS ago some dude was walking around the African plains?
Sorry.
Next.
But when they become YEARS, it's impossible to imagine. One million miles, okay, okay. I can do the addition. Even 98 million miles . . . the distance to the sun . . . I can kind of process that.
But one million YEARS ago some dude was walking around the African plains?
Sorry.
Next.
Monday, July 26, 2010
I Do Get My Jollies
Response to "English teacher" on craigslist:
Hi,
Sorry to be a nuisance, but can you teach me how NOT to speak English? Namely, get rid of the swearing and the bad stuff like "Fuck you, you too, asshole" all day long? It's becoming a major problem. Maybe a game or a problem-solver will cover it. Maybe not!
But hey, ya gotta hang in there and hope there's help, right?
So teach me how NOT to speak English. I swear, I'll pay you good dollars to undo my language problem.
Best
Nick
Hi,
Sorry to be a nuisance, but can you teach me how NOT to speak English? Namely, get rid of the swearing and the bad stuff like "Fuck you, you too, asshole" all day long? It's becoming a major problem. Maybe a game or a problem-solver will cover it. Maybe not!
But hey, ya gotta hang in there and hope there's help, right?
So teach me how NOT to speak English. I swear, I'll pay you good dollars to undo my language problem.
Best
Nick
Here's You
Here's You.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's really cold.
Some guy comes into your bedroom and shouts "OUTTA YOUR GODDAMN BEDS YA LAZY ASS LAZY ASSES."
Bewildered, you comply, as does everyone else. Half asleep, you listen as Asshole Number One continues: "Okay, you pieces of absolute shit, in 65 minutes you're getting on a fucking plane and you're going to bomb the shit out of the Krauts. But remember -- they're not just Krauts. They're OUR Krauts. SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND REPORT IN TEN MINUTES OR I'LL HAVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES FOR BACK-BACON."
And yes, that's you, except you're my dad, and you did this 35 times and each time was bad, far, far worse than you can ever imagine, many times coming home to empty bunks that just yesterday were filled with your best friend.
Just go ahead and imagine that.
It's not right for you to have to do it and it's not right that he did it. He's gone now, but maybe a piece of you can be a piece of him.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning and it's really cold.
Some guy comes into your bedroom and shouts "OUTTA YOUR GODDAMN BEDS YA LAZY ASS LAZY ASSES."
Bewildered, you comply, as does everyone else. Half asleep, you listen as Asshole Number One continues: "Okay, you pieces of absolute shit, in 65 minutes you're getting on a fucking plane and you're going to bomb the shit out of the Krauts. But remember -- they're not just Krauts. They're OUR Krauts. SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND REPORT IN TEN MINUTES OR I'LL HAVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES FOR BACK-BACON."
And yes, that's you, except you're my dad, and you did this 35 times and each time was bad, far, far worse than you can ever imagine, many times coming home to empty bunks that just yesterday were filled with your best friend.
Just go ahead and imagine that.
It's not right for you to have to do it and it's not right that he did it. He's gone now, but maybe a piece of you can be a piece of him.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
What. What? You Want a Title? What am I, Cecil B. De Mille???
This little oaf I call my son is now big enough to be a true OAF.
Yesterday we were messing around with my Kurzweil MK 10 piano, and we discovered that if you play a key JUST RIGHT it sounds like a glass smashing on the floor. Really!
So, while Brigitte slumbered on in the early morning hours, Tai-chan and I devised a plan: We'd first pull up my office chair next to the piano so she wouldn't be able to see what was going on from her vantage point next to the piano.
So far, so good. Then I told Tai-chan, whatever you do, wait till she's having her morning coffee and looking really bleary eyed, then take my 12-string guitar and perch it on the edge of the piano and say "Look, Brigitte! Look what Daddy showed me!" So she can't see your fingers on the piano keys.
Before that, though, Daddy's going to say "I'm tired, I think I'm going to lie down."
So I go lie down, and Tai-chan waits just for the right moment, tells Brigitte what Daddy showed him but at the EXACT SAME INSTANT plays the loud crashing sound on the keyboard.
I told him to say "Oh no, no, oh no, DON'T TELL DADDY, HE'LL BE ANGRY, PLEASE BRIGITTE!!!"
And she freaked.
She actually started looking for the glass pieces from my guitar.
Next up: Brigitte! Daddy's GI Joe's are dying!
WHAT?
They're asking for water, Brigitte! Daddy never feeds them any more! Look how thin they're getting! BRIGITTE!
She gon' love DAT.
Yeah, I know I'm mean.
Yesterday we were messing around with my Kurzweil MK 10 piano, and we discovered that if you play a key JUST RIGHT it sounds like a glass smashing on the floor. Really!
So, while Brigitte slumbered on in the early morning hours, Tai-chan and I devised a plan: We'd first pull up my office chair next to the piano so she wouldn't be able to see what was going on from her vantage point next to the piano.
So far, so good. Then I told Tai-chan, whatever you do, wait till she's having her morning coffee and looking really bleary eyed, then take my 12-string guitar and perch it on the edge of the piano and say "Look, Brigitte! Look what Daddy showed me!" So she can't see your fingers on the piano keys.
Before that, though, Daddy's going to say "I'm tired, I think I'm going to lie down."
So I go lie down, and Tai-chan waits just for the right moment, tells Brigitte what Daddy showed him but at the EXACT SAME INSTANT plays the loud crashing sound on the keyboard.
I told him to say "Oh no, no, oh no, DON'T TELL DADDY, HE'LL BE ANGRY, PLEASE BRIGITTE!!!"
And she freaked.
She actually started looking for the glass pieces from my guitar.
Next up: Brigitte! Daddy's GI Joe's are dying!
WHAT?
They're asking for water, Brigitte! Daddy never feeds them any more! Look how thin they're getting! BRIGITTE!
She gon' love DAT.
Yeah, I know I'm mean.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Upon Being Lucky
You know, when I started this deal, oh, what, 14 days ago? No, three? I thought no way. This is a Thing I Cannot Do.
Maybe you do it all the time, but I was to get on a plane from Montreal through the Twin Cities, through Seattle, through to Osaka, get off the plane in the early evening, have my ex-wife deliver my 8-year-old son, go out to dinner, go to the hotel room with him, TRY to go to sleep while worrying about TWO extra passports, wake up, maybe have a convenience-store sandwich, take a much-needed bath, then get us both locked and loaded, board the shuttle bus of the airport and check in, go through immigration and security and then
Do
it
all
AGAIN.
And at 52, I'm no rompin' rooster. In fact, I found that, for a change, 80% of people were younger than me (not possible, no one is younger than me) but in that huge, huge trek through airports, planes, buses, restaurants, checkin counters and checkout counters, I found only love and goodwill. I met so many good people that I've lost track now, but they were all so sweet and accomodating and friendly that it made that huge ordeal a pleasure.
And you know why, flock?
IT WAS MY GOOD LOOKS AN' MY FUCKIN' PINK SUIT.
Maybe you do it all the time, but I was to get on a plane from Montreal through the Twin Cities, through Seattle, through to Osaka, get off the plane in the early evening, have my ex-wife deliver my 8-year-old son, go out to dinner, go to the hotel room with him, TRY to go to sleep while worrying about TWO extra passports, wake up, maybe have a convenience-store sandwich, take a much-needed bath, then get us both locked and loaded, board the shuttle bus of the airport and check in, go through immigration and security and then
Do
it
all
AGAIN.
And at 52, I'm no rompin' rooster. In fact, I found that, for a change, 80% of people were younger than me (not possible, no one is younger than me) but in that huge, huge trek through airports, planes, buses, restaurants, checkin counters and checkout counters, I found only love and goodwill. I met so many good people that I've lost track now, but they were all so sweet and accomodating and friendly that it made that huge ordeal a pleasure.
And you know why, flock?
IT WAS MY GOOD LOOKS AN' MY FUCKIN' PINK SUIT.
Have You Ever . . . .
. . . . been in a dishwasher? No, this is not a metaphorical survey; rather, this is a real question.
I mean, shoved HEAD FIRST into a dishwasher, then, when you're impossibly inside all the way, among the old coffee cup and the plastic food trays, whoever is shoving you inside suddenly slams the door shut, locks it, forgets the Cascade, opens the the door, puts it in next to your head, slams the door shut again, locks it, and then turns it on? And you're in the dark, with all sorts of things ringing and singing, and the fork in the little tray is REALLY annoying every time it stabs you in the ass, and . . .
THERE'S THE RINSE CYCLE TO LOOK FORWARD TO . . . .
?
NOT TO MENTION THE DRY CYCLE. No, we'll make that our clean little secret.
??
Well, that's the fucking way I feel right now.
I mean, shoved HEAD FIRST into a dishwasher, then, when you're impossibly inside all the way, among the old coffee cup and the plastic food trays, whoever is shoving you inside suddenly slams the door shut, locks it, forgets the Cascade, opens the the door, puts it in next to your head, slams the door shut again, locks it, and then turns it on? And you're in the dark, with all sorts of things ringing and singing, and the fork in the little tray is REALLY annoying every time it stabs you in the ass, and . . .
THERE'S THE RINSE CYCLE TO LOOK FORWARD TO . . . .
?
NOT TO MENTION THE DRY CYCLE. No, we'll make that our clean little secret.
??
Well, that's the fucking way I feel right now.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Monday, July 19, 2010
Death
It's taken me 52 years to come to terms with it, really, every one of them agonizing -- but now I think I've actually come to terms with Death.
That doesn't mean in any way I want to die, but now I understand it. It's so very, very hard to understand, but at the same time it's so very simple.
Death is the absence of life. It's what you did when you were before your mother's womb. If you think of it in those terms it becomes easier, but still not easy. Life, all life, wants to live, it really, really fights not to die.
But death is no bright light, no twenty Vestal Virgins. Death is simply eternal darkness, which is where you came from.
Win some, lose some. But live NOW.
That doesn't mean in any way I want to die, but now I understand it. It's so very, very hard to understand, but at the same time it's so very simple.
Death is the absence of life. It's what you did when you were before your mother's womb. If you think of it in those terms it becomes easier, but still not easy. Life, all life, wants to live, it really, really fights not to die.
But death is no bright light, no twenty Vestal Virgins. Death is simply eternal darkness, which is where you came from.
Win some, lose some. But live NOW.
How Hitler Ran His Day (Diary excerpts)
(Translated by me):
6:30 a.m. This is the WORST gebroten ever made. What, I run an entire Reich and I get bad Gebroten?
7:00 a.m. Jesus Christ, can the dog never shut the fuck up? Isn't there a Jew I can feed it to?
8:00 a.m. Oh no, not that asshole Himmler again. What's the story with his TIES? Note to self: talk to Goering and find out who his designer is.
8:45 a.m. What the fuck??? Six million is not enough? Ya want coffins with that, ma'am?
9:15 a.m. Aaah, not you again ya fuckin' Stalinist pig. Don't you realise that there's a RED phone which is called the "RED PHONE" and the BLACK phone, which, not so coincidentally, is called the BLACK PHONE????? Fucking Bolsheviks. Where's Gerta with my tea, anyway?
10:05 a.m. Oh, here's an item . . . Roosevelt has "launched a massive effort . . ." Great, Teddy, where the fuck do you think that's going to get you????? OMG.
11:15 a.m. Can you STOP with the cucumber sandwiches? I mean, like STOP? Do I look like the QUEEN to you? Well, maybe I do.
11:67 a.m. Hmm . . . note to self . . . maybe a Waldorf Gas Oven instead of a Schteinbamfuhrer? Ask Eva to check it out.
12:56 p.m. Ahh, yeah . . . conquer the world. Forgot COMPLETELY about that. Maybe after I secretly jerk off in the toilet Gerta cleaned . . . maybe she won't notice the tissues . . .
6:30 a.m. This is the WORST gebroten ever made. What, I run an entire Reich and I get bad Gebroten?
7:00 a.m. Jesus Christ, can the dog never shut the fuck up? Isn't there a Jew I can feed it to?
8:00 a.m. Oh no, not that asshole Himmler again. What's the story with his TIES? Note to self: talk to Goering and find out who his designer is.
8:45 a.m. What the fuck??? Six million is not enough? Ya want coffins with that, ma'am?
9:15 a.m. Aaah, not you again ya fuckin' Stalinist pig. Don't you realise that there's a RED phone which is called the "RED PHONE" and the BLACK phone, which, not so coincidentally, is called the BLACK PHONE????? Fucking Bolsheviks. Where's Gerta with my tea, anyway?
10:05 a.m. Oh, here's an item . . . Roosevelt has "launched a massive effort . . ." Great, Teddy, where the fuck do you think that's going to get you????? OMG.
11:15 a.m. Can you STOP with the cucumber sandwiches? I mean, like STOP? Do I look like the QUEEN to you? Well, maybe I do.
11:67 a.m. Hmm . . . note to self . . . maybe a Waldorf Gas Oven instead of a Schteinbamfuhrer? Ask Eva to check it out.
12:56 p.m. Ahh, yeah . . . conquer the world. Forgot COMPLETELY about that. Maybe after I secretly jerk off in the toilet Gerta cleaned . . . maybe she won't notice the tissues . . .
Fucking With the Japanese
You know, it's an open secret: fuck with the Japanese. Why> Why on earth would you want to fuck with the Japanese?
PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE BEING FUCKED WITH.
See how that works? THEY JUST DON'T GET IT.
(In perfect Japanese): Hi, how are you today?
Oh, fine, fine.
How much will that be? (indicating purchase of six cans of beer at the convenience store).
That will be 2,100 yen.
Okay, great, will a hundred-dollar bill be okay?
They just lose it, at that point. What? WHAT???? This guy is going to try to pay me, with his perfect Japanese, in CANADIAN DOLLARS for his beer????? WTF!!!!!!!! (That would be different in Japanese, maybe more like (^_^)
See how I have my fun?
PRECISELY BECAUSE THEY DON'T KNOW THEY'RE BEING FUCKED WITH.
See how that works? THEY JUST DON'T GET IT.
(In perfect Japanese): Hi, how are you today?
Oh, fine, fine.
How much will that be? (indicating purchase of six cans of beer at the convenience store).
That will be 2,100 yen.
Okay, great, will a hundred-dollar bill be okay?
They just lose it, at that point. What? WHAT???? This guy is going to try to pay me, with his perfect Japanese, in CANADIAN DOLLARS for his beer????? WTF!!!!!!!! (That would be different in Japanese, maybe more like (^_^)
See how I have my fun?
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Who The Hell Cares What Size You Are?
Yeah, figure it out: God and his relentless ilk is going to judge you. When heaven comes along, there are going to be two and a half less virgins for you for having died of loving life too much.
See where that goes?
Hey, you're fucked! Go, no, really, go look in the mirror and just admit how fucked you really are! You're fucking 70 pounds overweight, you fat fuck.
Now go to Linda McCartney's grave, ya fat fuck, and roll around in some fucking dough lathered in fat all over it and have another fucking doughnut.
Because our beloved Linda NO LONGER HAS THAT OPPORTUNITY, so sorry.
See where that goes?
Hey, you're fucked! Go, no, really, go look in the mirror and just admit how fucked you really are! You're fucking 70 pounds overweight, you fat fuck.
Now go to Linda McCartney's grave, ya fat fuck, and roll around in some fucking dough lathered in fat all over it and have another fucking doughnut.
Because our beloved Linda NO LONGER HAS THAT OPPORTUNITY, so sorry.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Faith No More
I swear, the older I get, the less patience I have for idiots. Yes, you might say I'm a curmudgeon, but too many people drift through life treating too many people like shit. So I discard them. It's really no hassle.
It's their hassle. Even if it comes down to family members, which it has, it's okay. Just ditch them. You might think "this is a very cynical, bitter attitude!" But hey, last time I checked I only have one life, not nine like in the cat books. Get the cat on the phone and discuss how he deals with assholes.
It's their hassle. Even if it comes down to family members, which it has, it's okay. Just ditch them. You might think "this is a very cynical, bitter attitude!" But hey, last time I checked I only have one life, not nine like in the cat books. Get the cat on the phone and discuss how he deals with assholes.
Yo-Yo Ma, the Countdown Has Begun
I am just so lucky, flock. Who wouldn't envy me out of EVERY SINGLE KIND ONE OF YOU?
I'm going to Japan on Monday. Yes, the land of temples, gardens and fountains! The Zen center of the universe for former mass-murderers! The lights! The neon! The Tokyo! That weird script that you've never figured out!
Yep. I'm going there on Monday, and I'm going through Minneapolis and Seattle to Osaka! ISN'T THAT JUST SO MUCH FUN???!!! Imagine watching Minneapolis Immigration unfold before your VERY EYES, while you stand there, worrying about where your passport is?
But that's not the fun part! I get to get on the plane the VERY NEXT DAY to come back exactly the same route. One night in a hotel in Japan!
Line up to take my place, my faithful! Line up. Tickets will all be out at 4 a.m. Monday morning.
I'm going to Japan on Monday. Yes, the land of temples, gardens and fountains! The Zen center of the universe for former mass-murderers! The lights! The neon! The Tokyo! That weird script that you've never figured out!
Yep. I'm going there on Monday, and I'm going through Minneapolis and Seattle to Osaka! ISN'T THAT JUST SO MUCH FUN???!!! Imagine watching Minneapolis Immigration unfold before your VERY EYES, while you stand there, worrying about where your passport is?
But that's not the fun part! I get to get on the plane the VERY NEXT DAY to come back exactly the same route. One night in a hotel in Japan!
Line up to take my place, my faithful! Line up. Tickets will all be out at 4 a.m. Monday morning.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Drowning risk greater for immigrants: Study
"New Canadians face a significantly higher risk of drowning while enjoying aquatic activities," according to the Montreal Gazette.
Oh dear, you mean the burqas and full-length gowns have something to do with it? Hey, you're drowning? Let me throw you an anchor.
Oh dear, you mean the burqas and full-length gowns have something to do with it? Hey, you're drowning? Let me throw you an anchor.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Fame!
I know you don't want to think about it (neither do I) but just imagine that you were rich and famous. Not overnight, mind you, but over a long, years-long process. So that perhaps in your fifties, you'd be at the pinnacle of everything; the limousines, the "Hi, Mr. X, I really loved you in your X" blah blah blah.
Most of us, probably over 99%, will thankfully never have to face this situation.
It's like being the bull elephant seal on a beach in South Georgia with 365 whores to protect, until the new pimp in town comes along.
Damn, I really wouldn't want to have any part of that world (although I have had glimpses).
Ask Mel Gibson, before he goes into total freefall, how many years it took him to become a total asshole.
You ready to take his place?
Most of us, probably over 99%, will thankfully never have to face this situation.
It's like being the bull elephant seal on a beach in South Georgia with 365 whores to protect, until the new pimp in town comes along.
Damn, I really wouldn't want to have any part of that world (although I have had glimpses).
Ask Mel Gibson, before he goes into total freefall, how many years it took him to become a total asshole.
You ready to take his place?
Monday, July 12, 2010
My Official Response
To the man who has actually given me the FIRST bad feedback out of 765 on eBay! Yep, he's the dude! Because he didn't get his watch in time (I refunded him the full amount).
But he's vaguely Germanic, and you all know how much I like Germans!
So this is what i wrote him after my refund. I just LOVE the last couple of lines. Don't you, too?
======================================================
Tobias,
Just for your information, you didn't have to do that. It's just plain mean-spirited to leave bad feedback. Sometimes life happens, and it appears that you have some personal issues with that.
I frankly don't care a damn that you left bad feedback -- after all, YOU'RE the person who stands out as being an asshole if you are the ONLY person who has left me bad feedback.
But you know, life goes on! Petty little assholes like you are not going to bother me too much, because I have the secret feeling that you go around your every day being an asshole to everyone you know.
Hey, you speak German, don't you? Well, you need to see a health professional about that little problem.
Ich will eine torpeden gezehen in deine aashole.
Vielen dank.
But he's vaguely Germanic, and you all know how much I like Germans!
So this is what i wrote him after my refund. I just LOVE the last couple of lines. Don't you, too?
======================================================
Tobias,
Just for your information, you didn't have to do that. It's just plain mean-spirited to leave bad feedback. Sometimes life happens, and it appears that you have some personal issues with that.
I frankly don't care a damn that you left bad feedback -- after all, YOU'RE the person who stands out as being an asshole if you are the ONLY person who has left me bad feedback.
But you know, life goes on! Petty little assholes like you are not going to bother me too much, because I have the secret feeling that you go around your every day being an asshole to everyone you know.
Hey, you speak German, don't you? Well, you need to see a health professional about that little problem.
Ich will eine torpeden gezehen in deine aashole.
Vielen dank.
Cuba (again)
You know, now that I've had a chance to come down from the hysteria of the whole trip to Cuba, my mind can finally wrap itself. The frustrations from the plane trip blah blah blah become background noise and now I just feel the after effects.
In truth, when I think about it now, the Cubans were hands-down some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. Ya gotta admit, when you're dealt a hand of cards, and the ones that are showing aren't exactly in your favor, you're going to have to make do, or perish.
The Cubans are the ones who will always make do. Damn, I'm glad I haven't been dealt their hand, but I just know that you will never meet a nicer person in this world than a Cuban from Cuba.
Oh, and while I'm at it, FUCK Fidel for not being available on a coffee mug at the airport. I would just LOVE to look at his face while I pour the coffee down the drain.
In truth, when I think about it now, the Cubans were hands-down some of the nicest people I have ever met in my life. Ya gotta admit, when you're dealt a hand of cards, and the ones that are showing aren't exactly in your favor, you're going to have to make do, or perish.
The Cubans are the ones who will always make do. Damn, I'm glad I haven't been dealt their hand, but I just know that you will never meet a nicer person in this world than a Cuban from Cuba.
Oh, and while I'm at it, FUCK Fidel for not being available on a coffee mug at the airport. I would just LOVE to look at his face while I pour the coffee down the drain.
Sports
There's something odd about the term "sports."
I guess it once meant people getting together to have a good time, with a little friendly competition in there somewhere.
But today, it's a huge, lumbering mechanism just all covered in logos and hype and dopers and crap and morons who actually turn out to watch.
Do you know what used to be called "sport?" How about a 100-man killing contest. Great fun, isn't it?
Assholes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the manufacturer of assholes really did a great job. Because they account for about 99.999% of humanity.
I guess it once meant people getting together to have a good time, with a little friendly competition in there somewhere.
But today, it's a huge, lumbering mechanism just all covered in logos and hype and dopers and crap and morons who actually turn out to watch.
Do you know what used to be called "sport?" How about a 100-man killing contest. Great fun, isn't it?
Assholes. I've said it before and I'll say it again: the manufacturer of assholes really did a great job. Because they account for about 99.999% of humanity.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Seriously
You know, sometimes life just has to be boiled down. Like, Essentials. We can't be, as sentient beings endowed with reason, wandering around all the time with really nothing to do.
So, like that post-office clerk, you know the one, I've distilled it down -- and I'm saying all life, not just mine, can be boiled down to a very simple formula:
I have something you want, but you're not going to get it unless you go through me.
So, like that post-office clerk, you know the one, I've distilled it down -- and I'm saying all life, not just mine, can be boiled down to a very simple formula:
I have something you want, but you're not going to get it unless you go through me.
Three Wits in a Room
You know, talking to my friend Dave today at length just reminded me how pissed off I get when someone is funnier than me.
Oh, I know, I know you have your problems! Really, I do. But you don't have MY problem.
See, if you DID, it would no longer BE a problem.
It would be MY problem.
Oh, I know, I know you have your problems! Really, I do. But you don't have MY problem.
See, if you DID, it would no longer BE a problem.
It would be MY problem.
Drugs
Drugs can do serious, serious harm to your body.
My advice is: just don't even think of doing them. Even the THINKING can have serious consequences.
My advice is: just don't even think of doing them. Even the THINKING can have serious consequences.
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Your Doctor
You know, humanity has always had a problem with doctors. Fuck laywers: they can sentence you to life, but doctors can Literally sentence you to LIFE. As in, NO life.
So it's kind of like your mechanic. You never like going to see your mechanic. His name might be "Mikey" but his message is almost always never good.
You don't want to hear it and he acts like he doesn't want to deliver it, but in reality it's exactly what you expected, you now have no choice and he knows it, and he's dancing up and down.
Just what IS it called, that dance up and down when they know you're fucked and you know you're ROYALLY fucked?
So it's kind of like your mechanic. You never like going to see your mechanic. His name might be "Mikey" but his message is almost always never good.
You don't want to hear it and he acts like he doesn't want to deliver it, but in reality it's exactly what you expected, you now have no choice and he knows it, and he's dancing up and down.
Just what IS it called, that dance up and down when they know you're fucked and you know you're ROYALLY fucked?
Don't You Love it
When you don't look so good, you feel like shit and generally you're a walking basket case, but someone loves you anyway? Some person, some entity, be it your 8-year-old son or two-year older wife (than YOU, ya idiots) still looks at you as if everything was totally normal, even though you might have the DTs from all the Bloody Marys from some flight to Japan and am generally weird and pissed off?
But you say, wearily, "I love you," and they say, unequivocally, "I love YOU, VERY much"?
THAT's what I call being alive.
But you say, wearily, "I love you," and they say, unequivocally, "I love YOU, VERY much"?
THAT's what I call being alive.
The New, Hardened Nick! Just Insert Baseball Bat *here*
To: xmxmx
From: Nicholas Robinson
Subject: Re: Meeting
Cc:
Hi, Xmxm!
I hope you're having a great day. Re: our conversation yesterday concerning the logo and the new flyer: I'm pretty much open to all possibilities, but at this point in time, I need to hear about the MONEY possibilities.
It's like, here's how we play the game: you say, "I need this. Can you deliver it in this time frame?" And _I_ say, "Well of COURSE I can deliver it that time frame."
And that's the part where YOU come in, Xmxm, and say "All right. You deliver the product on schedule and I'll make out a check for your usual payment of $40/hr."
But until you say that, it's where MY clock starts ticking, and I say, well, NOTHING is going to happen until that assurance is on my table, in front of me.
Trust me, I don't NEED to see the project. I KNOW whether I can do it or not in the time frame (I can) but what I need from YOU is if you can come up with the cash to complete the transaction.
It really seems very simple to me.
Other than that, I'm ready to do the job.
But no meetings until I see dollar signs.
It isn't hard to put numbers in front of $ symbols, is it? Just make sure and push the "shift" key when you want to type "$", otherwise a "4" will result.
Thanks, old buddy.
Nick
From: Nicholas Robinson
Subject: Re: Meeting
Cc:
Hi, Xmxm!
I hope you're having a great day. Re: our conversation yesterday concerning the logo and the new flyer: I'm pretty much open to all possibilities, but at this point in time, I need to hear about the MONEY possibilities.
It's like, here's how we play the game: you say, "I need this. Can you deliver it in this time frame?" And _I_ say, "Well of COURSE I can deliver it that time frame."
And that's the part where YOU come in, Xmxm, and say "All right. You deliver the product on schedule and I'll make out a check for your usual payment of $40/hr."
But until you say that, it's where MY clock starts ticking, and I say, well, NOTHING is going to happen until that assurance is on my table, in front of me.
Trust me, I don't NEED to see the project. I KNOW whether I can do it or not in the time frame (I can) but what I need from YOU is if you can come up with the cash to complete the transaction.
It really seems very simple to me.
Other than that, I'm ready to do the job.
But no meetings until I see dollar signs.
It isn't hard to put numbers in front of $ symbols, is it? Just make sure and push the "shift" key when you want to type "$", otherwise a "4" will result.
Thanks, old buddy.
Nick
Gotcha
These days, the \/I*AGr@ ads and phishing scams are just SO OLD. Whatever it is that these people actually do, don't they realize that 99.999999% of their victim base just tune out?
Who gets bothered by telemonkeys any more? Certainly not YOU.
"Hello, is this Nicholas Robinson?" No, I'm sorry, I'm just housesitting. "Can you tell me when he'll be back?" Yes, on October the 14th. I believe his plane lands at 4:40, although I could be wrong. Would you like me to give you the flight details?
See how pathetic this choice of "work" is, and how more pathetic it gets every day? Sure, my "jokebox" is PACKED with at least 150 emails every day but hey, my mailbox downstairs is packed with crap most of the time, too.
It's like a quiet war: us against them.
And we're winning.
Who gets bothered by telemonkeys any more? Certainly not YOU.
"Hello, is this Nicholas Robinson?" No, I'm sorry, I'm just housesitting. "Can you tell me when he'll be back?" Yes, on October the 14th. I believe his plane lands at 4:40, although I could be wrong. Would you like me to give you the flight details?
See how pathetic this choice of "work" is, and how more pathetic it gets every day? Sure, my "jokebox" is PACKED with at least 150 emails every day but hey, my mailbox downstairs is packed with crap most of the time, too.
It's like a quiet war: us against them.
And we're winning.
Friday, July 9, 2010
I Don't Like Him
Yesterday my doctor basically gave me a death sentence.
Well, when you wake up in any morning and greet the sun, you've gotta realize that's it's a death sentence: this is one more day leading to your demise. Oh shut up: tell it to Linda McCartney. Don't matter how reeligious or how VVEEEEGAN or how Taliban you are; you are gonna die. It's only a matter of how, after a while.
But obviously we don't want to be beheaded by an insane posse of beard-wielding Afghanis or get hideously kidnapped in Peru and marched through steaming forests for eight years . . . I knew you'd understand that that wouldn't be optimal.
But diabetes? ME? I don't have diabetes. The guy is a charlatan. "Your blood test indicates that you have diabetes."
All I have to say to that is, PARTY ON, DUDES, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE!
But I will take my Crestor.
Well, when you wake up in any morning and greet the sun, you've gotta realize that's it's a death sentence: this is one more day leading to your demise. Oh shut up: tell it to Linda McCartney. Don't matter how reeligious or how VVEEEEGAN or how Taliban you are; you are gonna die. It's only a matter of how, after a while.
But obviously we don't want to be beheaded by an insane posse of beard-wielding Afghanis or get hideously kidnapped in Peru and marched through steaming forests for eight years . . . I knew you'd understand that that wouldn't be optimal.
But diabetes? ME? I don't have diabetes. The guy is a charlatan. "Your blood test indicates that you have diabetes."
All I have to say to that is, PARTY ON, DUDES, BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE!
But I will take my Crestor.
Thursday, July 8, 2010
The Simple Things
You know, sometimes -- and mind you, just SOMETIMES, the simplest things in life really ARE worth the million clichés . . . you know, the miracle of a sunset at noon, the chorus of a million tree frogs in your bathtub . . .
But sometimes stuff is really simple, yet so rewarding. Have you ever seen Road Warrior? Where Mel Gibson, that grizzled veteran of a thousand relatives being personally killed and raped, finds a little musical box? And he turns the little handle and hears the tune and a half smile almost appears before his Lantern Visage snaps back into gear?
Well, Brigitte went to a "friperie" place yesterday (I think that's "bargain" in English? But I'm not sure) and found a tiny fountain. Yes, a tiny fake black-rock fountain that usually would be made of marble and cost $298, but in this case, it was $5.99.
And it works! As I type this I'm listening to it tinkle in the background! She put pebbles in it and everything and it's just the most amazing thing.
I think I'm going to take my G.I. Joe Frogman and perch him right on the edge, so she gets a surprise when she wakes up.
Do you see how the simplest things can bring the greatest joy?
But sometimes stuff is really simple, yet so rewarding. Have you ever seen Road Warrior? Where Mel Gibson, that grizzled veteran of a thousand relatives being personally killed and raped, finds a little musical box? And he turns the little handle and hears the tune and a half smile almost appears before his Lantern Visage snaps back into gear?
Well, Brigitte went to a "friperie" place yesterday (I think that's "bargain" in English? But I'm not sure) and found a tiny fountain. Yes, a tiny fake black-rock fountain that usually would be made of marble and cost $298, but in this case, it was $5.99.
And it works! As I type this I'm listening to it tinkle in the background! She put pebbles in it and everything and it's just the most amazing thing.
I think I'm going to take my G.I. Joe Frogman and perch him right on the edge, so she gets a surprise when she wakes up.
Do you see how the simplest things can bring the greatest joy?
Julio
I really worry about Julio. I know that anything that I did would be impulsive while I was there but I worry about him. It was just an accident meeting him but the horrifying reality of Cuba has now become an official bugging point.
He was such a nice guy and I really feel like Brigitte and I have an obligation . . . while we were there he helped us so much.
He was such a nice guy and I really feel like Brigitte and I have an obligation . . . while we were there he helped us so much.
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Weathermen
Ya know, your faith in humanity, in spite of the Moon Shot, Elton John and Albert Einstein has to be severely shaken when all the weather world's FINEST MINDS can not predict a heat wave ONE DAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE.
HELLO IVAN THE MONKEY BRAIN, can you, with this small helping of a ripe Cuban banana, POSSIBLY throw a convenient dart at the weather map that will POSSIBLY give us an indication of THE FUCKING WEATHER in the NEXT FUCKING TWO HOURS??????
HELLO IVAN THE MONKEY BRAIN, can you, with this small helping of a ripe Cuban banana, POSSIBLY throw a convenient dart at the weather map that will POSSIBLY give us an indication of THE FUCKING WEATHER in the NEXT FUCKING TWO HOURS??????
Frustrated
Why does no one pay attention to me ANY MORE??? How come no one gets up, and says in their day "Hey, Nick's a guy you should know? He's a player, plus he tries to dress nice."
Why does everyone ignore my multiple talents? Look, you think I wake up every morning just to make your life operate ON AN EVEN KEEL?
Why don't you just REGONISE that I'm SPECIAL, there will NEVER BE ANOTHER ME?
And just yesterday you told me you loved me.
Why does everyone ignore my multiple talents? Look, you think I wake up every morning just to make your life operate ON AN EVEN KEEL?
Why don't you just REGONISE that I'm SPECIAL, there will NEVER BE ANOTHER ME?
And just yesterday you told me you loved me.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
It Took Me Fifty Years
To realise that I don't like being controlled. Just a supreme dislike. I remember when I was teaching English in Japan one day, and my student was a new student, a young girl of maybe seventeen. But all of a sudden, I realised that I had to be there, HAD TO BE THERE for 40 minutes.
You can't believe what panic that triggered. I thought, no, FAILING here is not a possibility, this young girl is no threat, so why am I panicking?
Now I know, but it's taken years to know. Because when I was a child, every single situation I was in was strictly controlled, often by people who in another life would be total strangers.
So after a while I would begin to dislike control, where the thought of having -- HAVING -- to be in any situation that was in someone else's control was exceedingly uncomfortable.
Just the fact that I'm typing this at 1:42 a.m. on a weekday is testament to the fact that I know I don't have to get up at some point tomorrow. That I don't have to report to a boss. THAT I'M SIMPLY NOT IN BOARDING SCHOOL ANY MORE!
But it's taken me 52 years to come to that revelation.
You can't believe what panic that triggered. I thought, no, FAILING here is not a possibility, this young girl is no threat, so why am I panicking?
Now I know, but it's taken years to know. Because when I was a child, every single situation I was in was strictly controlled, often by people who in another life would be total strangers.
So after a while I would begin to dislike control, where the thought of having -- HAVING -- to be in any situation that was in someone else's control was exceedingly uncomfortable.
Just the fact that I'm typing this at 1:42 a.m. on a weekday is testament to the fact that I know I don't have to get up at some point tomorrow. That I don't have to report to a boss. THAT I'M SIMPLY NOT IN BOARDING SCHOOL ANY MORE!
But it's taken me 52 years to come to that revelation.
The Need for Speed
I don't know about you, but the folks at realsimple.com are just, well, real simple! There IS, sometimes, truth in advertising!
It is nice to see that they have filled their large magazine with easy to understand stuff and simple recipes from down home folks and, as they point out on their editorial page, lots of exclamation marks! It is nice not to use contractions in your written speech because it gives a softer tone to what you seem to be writing, which is what Ted Bundy figured out pretty much earlier on in his career.
I hate to be negative and all, but these people haven't seen the inside of a rocket-propelled grenade they didn't deserve.
It is nice to see that they have filled their large magazine with easy to understand stuff and simple recipes from down home folks and, as they point out on their editorial page, lots of exclamation marks! It is nice not to use contractions in your written speech because it gives a softer tone to what you seem to be writing, which is what Ted Bundy figured out pretty much earlier on in his career.
I hate to be negative and all, but these people haven't seen the inside of a rocket-propelled grenade they didn't deserve.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Yo Yo Ma
Brigitte pulled the plug on me today. Yes, just up and cancelled my ass.
"Your new answering message has to go." Hey. Hey! HEY! MY new answering message has to go?
Listen (very heavy cockney accent): Ya keep calling, calling, CALLING dontcha know that OI have a VERY HEAVY BURDEN here girl, plus, what DO OI EXPLOIN TO ME WIFE?
As you can imagine, this did not sit well with Brigitte, God bless her pointy little head. But she's allowed. It's a free world. A simple "We can't come to the phone right now: please leave a message at the tone" will suffice.
I KNOW that. But do I have to be TOLD that?
And Christ, just how do you introduce yourself as a talented, extremely gifted person by saying "My name is Yo Yo Ma?"
"Your new answering message has to go." Hey. Hey! HEY! MY new answering message has to go?
Listen (very heavy cockney accent): Ya keep calling, calling, CALLING dontcha know that OI have a VERY HEAVY BURDEN here girl, plus, what DO OI EXPLOIN TO ME WIFE?
As you can imagine, this did not sit well with Brigitte, God bless her pointy little head. But she's allowed. It's a free world. A simple "We can't come to the phone right now: please leave a message at the tone" will suffice.
I KNOW that. But do I have to be TOLD that?
And Christ, just how do you introduce yourself as a talented, extremely gifted person by saying "My name is Yo Yo Ma?"
Lyrics
You know, my over-sensitive flock, you just sometimes don't know. So occasionally it's my duty to point it out to you. Yes, yes, it's time for the lecture, yes, yes, be patient, my dear underlings, for a precious minute!
But you know (I know you did) people who write lyrics (they're kind of poems, only with the occasional musical reference) don't fuck around. When they write "I'm a Loser" you know it took a lot of thinking to write that. Umm, "Eight Miles High" too, while we're at it.
I just thought you should know. And furthermore, it's my duty to point it out.
But you know (I know you did) people who write lyrics (they're kind of poems, only with the occasional musical reference) don't fuck around. When they write "I'm a Loser" you know it took a lot of thinking to write that. Umm, "Eight Miles High" too, while we're at it.
I just thought you should know. And furthermore, it's my duty to point it out.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
Missing
I miss my son so much. How is it possible to miss someone so much? I don't know what to do; it's a completely impossible situation.
Goddamn it, I HATE impossible situations.
Goddamn it, I HATE impossible situations.
A Crime
No, not a Hate Crime. But a Crime. Give someone the capability and many MANY long hours . . . throw in some bizarre talent, like being able to bend your foot above your neck . . . and you'll have Stanley Jordan.
What is the part about the phrase "Circus Freak" that he didn't understand?
What is the part about the phrase "Circus Freak" that he didn't understand?
Hate
Hate is the smell of someone cooking with lots of garlic and onions wafting on the wind when you're FUCKING HUNGRY.
It just makes you want to GO OVER THERE AND KICK THEIR FUCKING ASSES.
See? I knew that thought would MAKE YOUR DAY.
It just makes you want to GO OVER THERE AND KICK THEIR FUCKING ASSES.
See? I knew that thought would MAKE YOUR DAY.
Thinkers?
You know, in the long run, a lot of the most famous thinkers were drinkers. I thought I'd share that with you, but have you ever stopped to contemplate that most of the most-famous drinkers were all male?
That's a think to have a drink on.
That's a think to have a drink on.
Why
I wrote an entire song called that, if you can believe that. The tagline was "Why, why, why, why, why? The way I'm feeling, am I high?" Talk about overstaying your welcome (or the Facebook experience, take your pick).
But why do things happen in tens, all at the same time? Why does Brigitte's mother have to have a fall in her apartment at age 87? Today? At five a.m.? Why does my ex-wife explain to me that my 8-year-old son possibly has asthma? Today? All the fuck the way from Japan?
Let me tell you, I haven't even gotten through the tens. But there always seems to be something good, even in tiny, dark, annoying places. Brigitte made the most fantastic broccoli soup last night -- it always reminds me, at these times, why I married her in the first place and why I'll remain married to her until my dying breath -- so I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Sorry, let me rephrase that -- the best of the bestest!
How the fuck did she make a miracle out of broccoli soup? She called me from the road, for fuck's sake, to ask "How do I make broccoli soup?" I said "Get 35% cream. That's how you make broccoli soup." And goddamned if that's not how you make broccoli soup.
But why do things happen in tens, all at the same time? Why does Brigitte's mother have to have a fall in her apartment at age 87? Today? At five a.m.? Why does my ex-wife explain to me that my 8-year-old son possibly has asthma? Today? All the fuck the way from Japan?
Let me tell you, I haven't even gotten through the tens. But there always seems to be something good, even in tiny, dark, annoying places. Brigitte made the most fantastic broccoli soup last night -- it always reminds me, at these times, why I married her in the first place and why I'll remain married to her until my dying breath -- so I guess you have to take the good with the bad. Sorry, let me rephrase that -- the best of the bestest!
How the fuck did she make a miracle out of broccoli soup? She called me from the road, for fuck's sake, to ask "How do I make broccoli soup?" I said "Get 35% cream. That's how you make broccoli soup." And goddamned if that's not how you make broccoli soup.
Thursday, July 1, 2010
Holy Fuck! I'm the Dill Pickle King!
Either that or I'm the Prato Pizzeria king! Either that, or I'm the Chicken Jalfrezie king! Either that or I'm the making bratwurst at home king!
Enter "Easy spicy dill pickle recipe" or any one of those into Google and see why I'm the king!
Why aren't I the "getting fucked in the ass with an ebony candle" king? type that in and get Oprah!
Being the king is good! Don't you wish you were the king too? All you need to do is have "Easy spicy dill pickle recipe" on your fucking kingworthy blog! Yes! YOU TOO CAN BE A KING.
A visitor from ARAB, ALABAMA -- I KID YOU NOT -- came to see me for my spicy dill pickle recipe!
Well, dude, I'll tell ya jes' hows ta makin your spicy dill pickle recipe in Arab! First, lynch an A-rab. Dip him in down' home chile sauce. String 'm up and let him fester with Uncle fester a lil' stretch!
Then, shove a bratwurst up his ass.
Bitter? No, I'm not bitter.
Enter "Easy spicy dill pickle recipe" or any one of those into Google and see why I'm the king!
Why aren't I the "getting fucked in the ass with an ebony candle" king? type that in and get Oprah!
Being the king is good! Don't you wish you were the king too? All you need to do is have "Easy spicy dill pickle recipe" on your fucking kingworthy blog! Yes! YOU TOO CAN BE A KING.
A visitor from ARAB, ALABAMA -- I KID YOU NOT -- came to see me for my spicy dill pickle recipe!
Well, dude, I'll tell ya jes' hows ta makin your spicy dill pickle recipe in Arab! First, lynch an A-rab. Dip him in down' home chile sauce. String 'm up and let him fester with Uncle fester a lil' stretch!
Then, shove a bratwurst up his ass.
Bitter? No, I'm not bitter.