Backwards Montreal

Okay, okay, okay. Montreal is the culinary capital of North America blah blah blah. My GOD man, the amount of amazing restaurants, the amazing range of flavors BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Well, how come they can't seem to make a decent fucking hamburger here? A decent fucking pizza? A decent fucking sushi plate? This town has a fucking LOUSY food scene and this is COMING FROM THE CREATOR OF MONTREALFOOD.COM.

Fucking rubes, most of them. Their so-called "elite" restaurants are pale and pathetic imitations of places in New York, Paris, London BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Schwartz's. Yep, SCHWARTZ'S PUTS US ON THE CULINARY MAP, people. That and ST. VIATEUR BAGEL.

This is a culinary scene? THIS IS A CULINARY SCENE? Oh, forgot that old standby, the Montreal Pool Room.

FUCKING EXCELLENT HOT DOGS THERE. Pieces of shit bought from the grocery store and steamed and THAT IS MONTREAL'S REPUTATION?

Montreal has one of the most pathetic food scenes of entire North America that I can think of. Most of the Chinese food is shit, most of the Japanese food is shit, most of the Italian food is shit, most of the Indian food is shit . . .  need I go on?

Montreal's ONLY SAVING GRACE is that MOST RESTAURANTS ARE EMPTY MOST OF THE TIME.

Yup. Try going out to dinner in Oakland, California on a Friday night at 7 p.m. There'll be standing room only at the lowliest juke joint in town and you'll have to wait at least 20 minutes.

Not here.

There IS no food scene in Montreal except for the Tourist Bureau's version of it.

How come New York, with its huge assortment of clods, can come up with a website like Grub Street New York and, OH-SO COSMOPOLITAN MONTREAL has nothing of the sort?

Martiniboys. That's the level of communication we have about the dismal food scene here. Martiniboys. (Sorry, the link to this sorry site doesn't seem to be working. Perhaps they're under their desks with a bottle of Troika vodka to suck on).

I started montrealfood.com to try to get the message across about food in Montreal but it's failed miserably . . . possibly because the food in Montreal is so miserable.

I've been doing this for 25 years but Montreal is still in the Dark Ages compared to other cities in the world in all facets of food.

Have a bagel, some poutine and smoked meat, people. That's about all you're going to find in Montreal. Check out this place in New York and you'll see how provincial we are.

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Postscript/bonus features rant

Oh, and add to the fact that Montreal forbids street food in any form except on private property. Yes, you read that right. Add to that that only a few years ago, they instituted a stupid law that allowed only FOUR PEOPLE to work at large grocery stores after nine o'clock to prevent harm to convenience stores. Or for grocery stores to be forced to be closed between 5 and 6 on weekends. CLOSED FOR AN HOUR IN PEAK TRAFFIC TIME ON WEEKENDS.

So what you got was a huge human traffic jam, lines hundreds long, waiting to buy a head of lettuce.

What a bunch of cretins work in Montreal's city hall. (That's pronounced "kreu-tahn." Learn it. Apply it to any politician in Montreal if you ever happen upon one).