Shellebrities: A Breed Apart

I call them Shellebrities, but I really mean it. They're hollow representations of H. Sapiens. It's true, they do share 98.2% of our DNA, but in all other ways, they're completely alien. I'd call them closer genetically to H. Cro-Magnon, but hey, I don't want to insult even extinct versions of ourselves.

Chimps have better judgment than shellebrities. Consider: you have a tendency to drink far, far beyond your capabilities -- amounts which the rest of us would be copiously vomiting into our date's lap very early on in the evening, yet you insist on driving your own car at 3 a.m. down Toledo Canyon Rd. in Beverley Hills in spite of the fact that you have 6.8 millions dollars at your disposal to hire Mario Andretti Jr. if you see fit (see Tiger Woods, Mel Gibson, Lindsay Lohan, Nick Nolte, Jan-Michael Vincent yadda yadda) to be your round-the-clock chauffeur.

What, exactly, possesses Charlie Sheen to when, after 72 hours of snorting the best coke in North America, downing three liters of Vat 69, twenty-eight 8.5% Navigator ales, smoking 6.8% tetra-hydra-cannabinol-loaded Oregon bud the whole time while sandwiching himself between three $1,000/hr Buddha Lounge trannies, climb into his $135,000 Mercedes convertible and go on a joyride through Hollywood, and when pulled over by sniggering cops, proceeds to call them nigger-loving jews?

What possesses Michael Richards, a self-absorbed millionaire three times over, to start yelling "Nigger" over and over again in a packed nightclub? Winona Ryder to shoplift baubles when she has enough money to buy the entire store, let alone the building and the city block it sits on?

What possesses Lindsay Lohan to even admit she exists, let alone exist?

My holy fuckin' god, the list is very, very long. But tell me true, and this is the angle I don't get . . . the disproportionate Jew-hating facet of the whole thing. Shellebrities, let me remind you that you're attempting to be a part of some of the most vicious groups of humanity that have ever existed: Al Qaeda and the Nazis.

Yes, John Galliano, top designer at Dior: gas them all, indeed. In fact, do it yourself, and then have another 25,000 drinks.

Update: Have you ever, EVER been arrested? Have you ever been arrested for drunk driving? I thought not. Do you have 45.9 million dollars in your bank account? I thought not either. If you DID have 45.9 million dollars in your bank account, would you ever allow yourself to be arrested? For any reason? I mean, why mess up a good thing, right?


Tell that to Christina Aguilera.