Sunday, May 28, 2006

Spiffy Graph



This is a portrait of montrealfood.com. No, really. It's a Java applet representation of the site in the form of an abstract graph. The different colors represent the different kinds of tags used in the site.

Who knew montrealfood was so pretty?

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Galangal or Fries?

You're cooking for four friends tonight. Which menu would you think would be easier: Thai curry, with lemongrass, galangal, lime leaves and bamboo shoots, with jasmine rice and gyoza on the side, or hamburgers with oven fries?

"EEEEENNNNHHHHHH!!!" (sound of gameshow wrong-choice buzzer) if you chose the burgers.

I always thought that simple stuff like sandwiches was a much easier menu choice than complicated spice-filled extravaganzas, but a while back I realized that whenever you have anything approaching a one-pot, reheatable solution, you've just taken yourself to a stress level approaching zero.

I know that on the surface, the curry with its exotic ingredients and fussy prepping, spicing and dicing can seem to be more trouble than it's worth — viz. an entire afternoon in the kitchen — but please compare it to a huge, last-minute plating nightmare of trying to keep six burgers hot while dressing them six different ways, then trying to make sure the fries haven't wilted into soggy greasebars by the time you get them on the plate. At least with the curry, it's all done by six and you're sipping a glass of wine while chatting to the guests, not slicing red onions or monitoring the potatoes in the oven.

Which is why I dread the great Burger Shoot coming up in the next few days. I not only have to make them, I have to film them.

Friday, May 12, 2006

Bees In My Bonnet

Last night, as I was settling into my bean bag chair with a nice glass of wine to watch Hawaii Five-0, I suddenly felt something tickling my hand. I brushed at it with my other hand and lo and behold! Something fell on the tatamis. I switched on the light and to my horror I saw that it was some large, beetle-like insect.

I ran to the kitchen to get a glass and some cardboard so I could scoop it up and deposit it on the balcony, but just as I was about to do so, it flew straight into my face. Needless to say, I was mightily disturbed at this turn of events, but even more disturbed when I realised it was a bumblebee. How it managed to squeeze through a 1/4-inch crack in the screen door I'll never know, but there it was, in my bedroom, buzzing around madly, attracted to the halogens on the ceiling.

I must admit here that I'm uh, somewhat averse to things that sting, no matter how many people assure me they'll only sting if you annoy them; that's why to date, I've only ever been stung once, and that was when I stepped on a wasp poolside.

So I was confronted with a mighty dilemma. Where the hell was I going to sleep if I couldn't catch the bastard? All of a sudden, it sort of barrelled down the wall and fell behind my bed. Considering that a mere half-hour before I had changed all my sheets and pillows from a tan scheme to a black scheme, spotting some jet-black insect was going to be difficult. I carefully snatched my blankets and pillows off the bed, carefully inspecting them for Bee Boy, and dragged them into the spare bedroom, shaking them off to make sure he was not hitching a ride.

Then I went back in and did a thorough search. But the damn thing was nowhere to be found! I swear I looked for 20 minutes. How could a bee that size disappear?

I nervously watched the rest of H-5-0, expecting the bee to buzz straight into my ear, and then turned out all the lights and retired to the spare bedroom. I left the screen door open so maybe he'd fly out during the night (yeah, right.)

The bed in the other room is not comfortable, so I didn't get much sleep. But this morning I awoke, had a coffee and sat down at my computer, which is in the spare room. Imagine my consternation when a huge buzzing erupted from near my lamp. There he was, dive-bombing me again, no doubt for some imagined slight. And then, just as suddenly as he appeared, he disappeared. So I'd been sleeping in the same room as him all night anyway!

But how did he get from a room with a closed door into another room with a closed door? Could there have been two bees?

He's still up there somewhere. As I type I occasionally look up nervously. And maybe his pal is hanging around in the bedroom, waiting for me to come settle in for Hawaii Five-0.

Or maybe not.

I swear this is the first time I've ever had the legit opportunity to say it, but here goes: Two bees or not two bees? That is the question.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Definitely Not an Agony Booth



This is something I would dearly love to have instead of the "airplane galley"-style kitchen I'm saddled with: the circular kitchen (with thanks to Barry for alerting me to this.)

Tuesday, May 9, 2006

Nano-cuisine



A chef friend of mine, who works at a prestigious downtown address, and who demanded in shrill terms that he remain nameless, claims to have created a bold new cooking style that he swears will take the culinary world by storm.

"I call it 'Nano-cuisine,' but it's actually more accurate to call it 'Micro-cuisine.' I haven't yet got it down to the complete 'nano' level, " he explained sheepishly.

"So let me understand this," I said, and hazarded a guess: "You're making, like really, really small appetizers. Amuses-bouche."

He was shocked! "No, no, not that at all," he proclaimed, and since we were at my house, he asked me "Do you have any chicken?" Yes, I said, but it was leftovers from being grilled the night before.

"Perfect," he said and ran out the front door. In a few minutes he was back from his car, bearing a small metal box.

"This," he said, "is an Electron Microwave."

Huh? I was totally confused. "I got it from an inventor in Germany," he explained. "It's not out on the market yet. It's not even meant for food — it's for purifying metals."

So . . . . ? He insisted I get out the chicken, so I did. It was a half of a whole breast that I'd grilled the night before. He asked for a saucer and put the chicken breast on it. He opened a little metal door on the box and put the saucer in — it just managed to fit. "It's Li-Ion-powered," he told me, when I asked where the wires were.

And then he pushed some hidden control — this is a tiny box, so I couldn't see anything — and the box started buzzing quite noisily, but only for about ten seconds.

"There! " he said, and asked me for a dinner plate. Mystified, I complied, and from the box he removed the saucer. I was blown away. There was only a tiny brown thing sitting in the center in about half a teaspoonful of what looked like juice. "That's the chicken breast!" he chortled in response to my frozen mask of a face. "It's the total essence of your chicken breast, electron microwaved to nano size! Sorry, micro size! If it were nano you wouldn't be able to see it."

Amazed, I looked more closely at the saucer. Indeed, it did look somewhat chicken-like.

"Let me plate it!" he said, and grabbed my dinner plate. With a tiny sugar spoon he delicately scooped up the chicken morsel and its juice and deposited it in the center of the plate. "We need a garnish," he said, and spotted my basil plant on the shelf. He grabbed a couple of leaves off of it and put them next to the chicken. "There! Taste it!"

So I got the smallest fork in my drawer and delicately nudged the chicken breast onto it along with a basil leaf and put it in my mouth.

My God! I was floored, almost falling backward against the counter. "Yes!" he yelled excitedly, "See, it's the flavor of the whole grilled chicken breast reduced into one tiny morsel! All the fat and the calories are there as well! Isn't it amazing?"

I had to admit, after I swallowed, I was full. Completely sated! This guy has an incredible thing going. He says he's going to open up the first "Nano-cuisine" restaurant next month, right here in Montreal. Keep your eyes on this space!

Just the Place for Your Bitchin' Kitchen

Would you believe that we have the ultimate kitchen supply place right downtown, here in Montreal? Cuisine Gourmet is a cook's paradise. They stock most major brands of kitchen equipment and lots of peripheral stuff like gadgets, graters, glasses and grill pans. It was actually comparable to some of the uppity places in California. Mind you, this is not a restaurant-supply place, but one for home cooks. (It didn't seem like the kind of place that would be happy about photos so I didn't take any, but presumably their website will be up soon.)

I was almost immediately able to find what I'd been looking for on eBay — a Cuisipro Accutec Extension Grater and I also bought an OXO Good Grips pastry brush. Curious, I went on eBay to see how I would have fared if I had bought both there. Surprise surprise: with shipping the grater would have been CAD $36.72. The brush would have been CAD $10.58, with a total of $47.31. The total with tax at Cuisine G? $48.29, less than a dollar's difference.

I'm pretty sure that when you get into the higher-ticket items, like All-Clad pans or food processors, you're going to be better off on eBay, but this was a great surprise.

They have a great selection, far better than La Soupière's, with a full line of Microplane, Le Creuset, and OXO et. al., so there's no excuse: get down there immediately and snag that potato ricer post-haste.

Friday, May 5, 2006

Trashed

So my house is a fucking mess. Sometimes, you have to embrace the mess. Step around that Metro garbage bag full of junk mail and tissues near the kitchen door. You'll throw it away eventually. Maybe tomorrow!

But not now.

You tossed your clothes on the bathroom floor when you took a bath this morning. Guess what? They're still there! You'll just walk around them for now.

No one is coming over to witness your slovenliness. Why the fuck clean it up? It's not like there are cockroaches running around—that would completely creep you out to the extent that even YOU would clean things up. Nah, it's more like, for example, your desk.

What the fuck is up with your desk? Why haven't you even had a nodding acquaintance with the thought of sweeping aside the pile of CD-ROMs and old bills and crap that you know very well is still there after four months but don't know what to do with? Huh? Why?

The inner voice is raging, "WE'RE LIVING IN A SOCIETY!" but you're just going about your day and ignoring it. Hey, I know: run the dishwasher! Like a clean kitchen is a clean house. Okay, well, it's a step.

So, like a blind person, you just adjust your thinking. That GameBoy steering wheel lying on the floor that you never use, you'll just negotiate a path around that. Maybe one day, you'll actually get around to throwing it away! But at least you know (and better yet, your naked toes know!) where it is. The kitchen garbage, which has now run up the sides of the can, with you stupidly trying to gather up the loose ends of the bag to contain. Just throw it away! But somehow, you're powerless. The coffee cup that you used yesterday, which is still sitting on the windowsill, where you put it while admiring the nice day outside. Just put it in the dishwasher! Nah, it won't hurt to leave it there a couple more days.

Oh, the horror, and how wide it yawns.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

Do I Seem Annoyed.

Did that headline bother you. Did you kind of miss the question mark at the end of it. Would you really like it if everyone wrote like this, all the time. No, that would be bothersome, wouldn't it.

But just imagine if everyone wrote sentences like this? If every statement they made ended with a question mark? I wonder if you're one of them without realising it? (Well, if you are, I love you anyway?)

Okay, enough of that; point made. But this plague seems to have infected adults over 40 as well — probably victims of their own children, no doubt. If you're old enough, you will remember a time before people over 18 framed statements without a question mark at the end, but now, listening to a typical North American adult, that era seems to be a very, very long time ago. With children, it's almost a tic, as if they're suffering from Statement-Averse Syndrome (or by its medical name, Questionitis, or inflammation of the question gland.)

Where did this abominable speech defect enter into our language? Would you like to hear someone, like, always, you know, umm, go through, like whole sentences or, like, talk like this for several paragraphs, y'know?

It's just as annoying, believe me.

Please, if you talk like that now, think about it and JUST STOP YOURSELF before you do it?

You'll be doing us all a favor?

Que Sadilla, Sadilla


If you're out of ideas for something fairly quick and junk-foody-yet-tasty you could always make a quesadilla. You can pretty much put whatever you want in them. Here's my recipe:

ChefNick Quesadillas with Sun-dried Tomatoes

Red onion, julienned
Red pepper, julienned
Oil-packed sun-dried tomatoes, chopped
Cilantro, leaves plucked, stems removed
Canned or bottled pickled jalapeños, in slices
Sharp cheddar, Gruyère or Gouda cheese, or combination
Bacon slices, cooked and split into 1-inch squares (optional)
Large flour tortillas

Place flour tortilla on cutting board. Layer as follows, distributing sparsely but evenly:

Cheese, in a light layer that barely covers the tortilla
Sun-dried tomatoes
Cilantro
Onion
Red pepper
Jalapeño slices
Bacon (if using)
Final layer of cheese, barely covering other ingredients

Cover with another flour tortilla. On medium heat, preheat a lightly greased non-stick skillet slightly bigger than the tortillas. When the skillet is hot, carefully slide the quesadilla into it off the cutting board, taking care not to lose ingredients.

With a wide spatula, press down the quesadilla as it begins to get hot, especially near the edges, so that the melting cheese seals the two tortillas. It's difficult to tell when to turn it over, but to be safe, after about 4-5 minutes, flip the quesadilla. I usually do this by putting the cutting board on top of the pan; holding the cutting board with the palm of my left hand and the pan handle with my right, I quickly turn the pan and board upside down so the quesadilla is now on the board. Then I slide it into the pan and cook the other side. Do this carefully.

When cooked, let rest on the cutting board for a few minutes, then cut with a pizza wheel. Serve with a good salsa. Note: if quesadilla is soggy, let rest for about 30 minutes, then reheat individual pieces in non-stick skillet on medium for about 8 minutes. These are also great refrigerated and then reheated.