Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Hope.

I've always wrestled with the idea of hope. Sometimes I equate it to a squirrel who is really hungry and is looking at a likely patch of leaves. Maybe there's a nut there.

Or a pigeon dignifiedly picking through a bunch of gravel. Maybe THIS one will be a seed.

But a human being . . . hope is such a different thing. The squirrel or pigeon don't know that they will die without food. They will just die, never knowing or being aware of why they died. In a way, that is excellent. It's not good to know you're going to die. And I'm not talking about in the course of a normal lifetime. Sure, we're all going to die, it's just a matter of the where and when. We like it like that.

So when someone, say, a doctor, tells you you have maybe three, maybe six and behind his back he somehow throws up his hands, mentally, for sure, but you see it, then you're suddenly on your own. See, if you're going to be executed, you KNOW THE DATE. YOU CAN PREPARE FOR IT.

But when there's no date, just someone who is supposedly in a position of trust telling you, well. you're umm, going to die. I don't know exactly when but I could say max six months.

You see in his or her face that he or her is not fucking around. It's not in his or her interest to fuck around with your life. If there were something he could do, he'd do it. But basically he's telling you it's all over. You're riddled with cancer that has spread to your lungs and kidneys and liver and the chemo hasn't worked and surgery would just make your short life miserable. Pain management is all we could do now. Just go home now.

But all of a sudden there's HOPE. YES, HOPE. There's RUN FROM THE CURE.

Yes, that's what's going to cure you. See? It's absolutely free! It has nothing to do with meddlesome doctors and impersonal drug companies . . . THIS IS GOING TO WORK! YES! YOU'RE NOT GOING TO DIE!

Just like Abu Assam Latif from Nigeria is going to give you 25% of his 120,000,00 inheritance or you're going to ABSOLUTELY WIN THE $50M jackpot this weekend if only you buy ten instead of your two tickets.

Frankly, I'd rather be a cat with terminal cancer than Anna, who is such a doll that you would go nuts over if you knew her. Or her husband.

I hope.

I hope.

But I know.

No kidding

Upp, no kidding, I was good, This was performed live for a Japanese television show in 1991.

We kicked ass.

Name and Address Withheld

Possibly the most concise song I've ever written.

At age 25. Go figure.

Fun

I won't mind telling you that I'm "in therapy." I guess the key to therapy is making sure everyone knows it. Yep, see, that cements the therapeutic effect.

But the mechanics of therapy are seemingly patched together by hominids who sometimes browsed in trees eight million years ago.

Still around. Still around! Yup, you thought the skeleton of Ardipithecus Ramidus was long gone but they sit in doctors' offices every day.

I'm not going to mince words. I'm in "therapy" for alcohol. But the mechanism is all broken.

These are "nice therapy" sessions. Humor is discouraged. Don't mistake me, but I could be teaching the class, and I don't say that lightly.

Goal is abstinence.

Yell you what, instead of babbling about it I'll fill you in as it breaks up my relationship with Brigitte.

Sound like a plan? A new telenovela at the point of a mouse. How sweet life is for my dear flock.

Ahh! A New "Final Solution."

Apparently the Jews are no longer in style. Apparently the Gypsies are.

Is there no end to this madness? Why the fuck doesn't some maniac armed with three AK-47s and four M-14s march into a Taliban stronghold and take out fifty Taliban? HUH? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?

Saturday, August 28, 2010

We Did It

Tai-chan and I made this plane from scratch. Painted it, put on the decals. Glued it all together, painted wheels, did everything. Pretty cool, huh? Especially for a nine-year old. Took three days.

He even took the pictures.
He put the decals on all by himself, better than I could ever have done.

I'm SO going to miss him.
He was scared in the model shop because there were so many models.

Friday, August 27, 2010

Why?

I just don't seem to get it. Anna is going to die. She's just not going to be here any more.

Why? She's a bit older than me. If you knew her you'd love her.

Why does she have to die? Why does her husband have to watch her die and then live?

Why? Why? Just fucking take me. I've got time to kill; she won't have any time to kill.

WHY WHY WHY. WHY????? WHY MUST SHE DIE?

Answer me that, FUCKING GOD.WHY??????

Why am I going to be alive in six months and ANNA ISN'T??? ANSWER ME THAT, YOU FUCKER.
3:08 PM

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A Lonely Task

Tai-chan has been a bit unreliable in the sleep-cycle world and we've only managed to get him back to going to bed at around 6 in the evening, so he was only able to light the chimney starter today before he ran out of smoke. The rest was up to me.

So Daddy had to make the four ribeyes, two filets and four burgers by myself.

Tired Daddy: a testament in pictures.

The burgers for tomorrow

The Filets; not sure what's to be done with them

No helper= great fatigue

Monday, August 23, 2010

Ahh, Those Beloved Nigerians . . . They NEVER give up!

Hello Friend, 
My name is Mr. Arjen Van Dirk Martinus Sebastiaan, I work with the Finance Monetary Control Unit here in The Netherlands, we are responsible for checking foreign account holders in all the different banks here in Netherlands. I found your e-mail contact through my Country’s international Web directory.   
During our last annual inspections of all the various accounts bank here in The Netherlands, my department found a score to settle with a huge sum of U.S. $10,500,000.00 (Ten million five hundred U.S. Dollar) which was deposited by a now deceased Mr. Jerry R. Williams, an Australian citizen.   
From My investigations I discovered that the late Jerry R. Williams has no beneficiary or next of kin to claim his funds (U.S.$10.500.000,00) and the law of my country here in Holland is that when an account is inactive for more than eight 8 years the Authority has the right to confisticate the funds. This funds are about to be confiscated if I do not take advantage of it. This is why I am contacting to partner me in this once in a life-time opportunity. All you need to do is to stand as the next of kin to the decease, my lawyer will process and provide all the relevant documents to this effect and the money will be transferred to you, your account in your country so that we can share it and invest it in profitable businesses.
All I need from you is for us to work together – just follow my instruction and strategy, l will provide all the relevant information and documentation that will allow this transfer funds into your bank account legally with an hitch or a problem. I will explain it better after you reply this email. I am looking forward to hearing from you soon.   
Kindly write to me directly with your contacts to my private email: arjenvandirk22@aol.nl
Best regards,
Mr. Arjen Van Dirk



================================================

Hello Friend!

Just send me $1,000 to my PayPal account at tonbo@montrealfood.com and we'll get the whole ball rolling!

Nothing complicated, a couple of clicks and we're done!

Cheers

Friend

PS do you go to a school in Nigeria for this? The fake names, the fake stories . . . VAN DIRK? Whose passport did you steal on a bicycle ride-by for THAT one? "Yes, my name is ARJEN VAN DIRK." How about "Kevin M'Benga Diouf Kambala?"

 Tell me . . . is there a Scammer University in Lagos where you get degrees and stuff like that? I want to go there! I WISH TO WRITE LIKE YOU, TRUSTED FRIEND WHOSE MOTHER DIED IN A HORRIFIC HUNTING ACCIDENT IN IRAQ AND LEFT YOU, THE SOLE BENEFICIARY, $29,000,000, which you want ME to have 25% of.

If only I'd just give you my bank account details. So little to ask for so much.

I will, I will, Kevin M'Benga! Just let me see that $1000 first.

Sunday, August 22, 2010

It's All Well When We're Fine

Brigitte loves to point out "That's life." Yes, this is indeed life. But it doesn't mean we should have to like it.

Some might point to me and say "He's a wastrel," and yes, maybe they'd be right.

But Brigitte's brother's 50 something darling wife is riddled with cancer and has about 3 months max to live.

What is life? The only one we've got? Is it toil in an office all day, every day, coming home to the kids who never see you for years on end? Or is it the individual who gets through life on drugs or alcohol, merely traipsing through each day until the next one comes along?

How could I possibly care what's for dinner when my life is practically certain to end within three months, and probably very, very badly? Just doctors and hospitals and LOTS of pain that I never imagined possible . . .

Well just think that I'd immediately start smoking again, seek out a heroin dealer and start to drink the most expensive champagnes on the planet.

Anna is going to die and I am going to live.

It's hard.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Hail to the Seekh!

And the results of last night's efforts come to fruition!

Seekh how it's done?

Tandoori Chicken and Seekh Kebab

Well, I went and done it. With my son Taishi's help, we made tandoori chicken, seekh kebab and grilled naan on our tiny balcony barbecue last night. It went swimmingly! Taishi has become an expert little helper. Recipes to follow. Click on pictures for larger versions.

My pathetic balcony grill setup
Taishi tending the chimney starter; observe awed expression


We started with our trusty chimney starter. We have emergency equipment (a plant spray bottle) standing by just in case and a plan in place for a total breakdown of operations (run away) but we seem to have gotten it down to a science by now.

When the coals are white hot, Taishi stands by with the the spray bottle while I dump them into the grill (a few coals always spill out and he extinguishes them with maximum efficiency) and then I arrange them and put on the grill, which I clean and oil with paper towels.

Then we put on the seekh kebab.

The kebabs raw. You turn them with tongs, not the skewer.
 I turned them once every five minutes or so and they turned out fantastically. Then it was the chicken's turn.

Chicken in its marinade
In this case it was chicken thighs, not breasts, which tend to dry out too much.

Chicken on its first side; watch for flareups

Just leave it alone for ten minutes, but give a quarter turn to the grate every 3 minutes or so to ensure even cooking.

The grillmaster inspects his birds

The grillmaster's assistant assesses doneness
And the whole grilling process took about twenty minutes, with ten minutes on each side.

And the chicken is done.
And then the store-bought naan, just to give it some smoky flavour.

You just want to do these for about three minutes on each side.
 Eh voilà! Except, as I said, last night we ate stroganoff. Tonight the tandoori chicken will be transformed into Butter Chicken!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tandoori Chicken
 This recipe is a combination of several recipes from my Indian library. I improvised on some amounts, omitted some, and added others.

The ingredient list looks daunting, and obviously you need to have the spices at hand, but it's worth it. But if you do, it will take at most an hour to assemble everything.

Ingredients
12 boneless, skinless, featherless chicken thighs, brined

Marinade
6 large cloves garlic, crushed with a garlic crusher
1 tablespoon grated ginger
4 teaspoons ground coriander
1½ teaspoons ground cumin
½ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon ground fennel
4 teaspoons tandoori spice (available from Penzey's spices)
½ teaspoon ground black pepper
1 teaspoon garam masala
1 teaspoon Sri Lankan spice blend (I make my own)
½ teaspoon ground cinammon
2 teaspoons salt
¾ cup yogurt
¾ cup crème fraîche
Juice of 2 lemons
6 drops red food coloring (optional)

Method
Mix all ingredients and marinate chicken for 24 hours.
Soak 2 cups of wood chips (hickory, mesquite etc.) for 30 minutes prior to grilling. Drain. Prepare grill with chimney starter and use wood charcoal, not charcoal briquets. When the coals in the chimney starter are ready, empty into grill with all coals at same level, with wood chips.

When tops of coals turn into white ash, place chicken evenly. Grill ten minutes without turning chicken, but turn the grate a quarter turn every three minutes or so to ensure even grilling. Use spray bottle to control flareups.

Turn chicken and repeat for ten more minutes. Finish with lemon juice. Serve immediately or save for butter chicken.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Seekh Kebab
 This recipe is also a combination of several recipes from my Indian library. Again, I improvised on some amounts, omitted some, and added others.

This is basically an Indian-spiced ground beef recipe that is skewered and grilled.

Ingredients
1 lb. very lean, high quality ground beef (ask your butcher to grind some top sirloin for you so you know what's in it).

1 medium onion, very finely minced
4 cloves garlic, very finely minced
2 tablespoons cilantro, finely chopped
2 tablespoons ginger, grated (I find it easy to freeze the ginger and grate with a Microplane grater)
1 - 2 red serrano chilies, very finely chopped
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon turmeric
1 teaspoon ground black pepper
½ teaspoon ground cloves
½ teaspoon ground cinammon
1 teaspoon salt
2 small eggs

Wet ingredients
Dry ingredients + wet ingredients


Method
Combine the spice mixture with the beef. Add the eggs and mix thoroughly. Press a cylinder of meat about the size of a small hot dog around a flat-bladed skewer (metal is best). Repeat with remaining meat mixture.

Heat grill with wood chips on a one-level fire. Be sure to oil the grate with a paper towel so the skewers don't stick. Place the skewers perpendicular to the grate, not touching. Leave for five minutes, turn to opposite side (I find a metal spatula helps lift them from the grate) with tongs. If you try to turn with the skewers they will just spin around inside the meat. Repeat with five minutes on all sides.

Serve on lettuce leaves with cucumber raita (recipe to follow).

Saturday, August 14, 2010

New Double-barreled Project: Tandoori and Butter Chicken

I'm attempting to do a butter chicken, but in two steps.

Butter chicken was invented by Indian chefs to use up the leftover tandoori chicken from the day before, so whereas before I just sautéed the chicken, tonight I'm going to grill it, tandoori-style, having been marinated for 24 hours in a rich tandoori marinade, then refrigerate (a crime, I know!) and actually make the butter chicken tomorrow night.

I'll also take the opportunity while the grill is on to make seekh kebab, which is skewers of seasoned ground beef, and also reheat that tomorrow night.

But tonight we'll probably have spaghetti . . .

I promise pictures!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Taishi Van Halen

My son Taishi, here from Japan for a month, just turned nine last week.

Guess what Daddy bought him for his birthday?

Monday, August 9, 2010

Barbecued Shepherd's Pie

Yep, I barbecued a Shepherd's Pie in the rain on Sunday. And it tasted fantastic!

How crazy is that?

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Don't you just HATE DVDs?

It's not that I particularly do, it's just that in this day and age, we have 6 remotes sitting around

The Grill Went Well!

 . . . but was eaten so fast that there were no pictures. I found that grilling the vegetables (onions and red peppers on skewers, cremini mushrooms in a grill grate, tomatoes basted with sambal oelek) first was the key. Then they could be put in a 200-degree oven to keep warm while the chicken grilled.

But I also found that the cheap cuts of chicken thighs -- bone in, skin on -- not only didn't absorb the daylong marinade in a mixture of soy, garlic and sesame oil, but had way too much gristle and were generally prone to char.

However, I found that when they were charred (and obviously not cooked all the way through) the key was to shut all the vents on the grill, thereby turning it off, in effect, putting on the lid and letting the residual heat steam the chicken for fifteen minutes or so. This worked very well. And the hickory chips added a host of flavor.

Brigitte made Cuban rice (that we brought from Cuba!) and it was all fantastic.

Next I have in mind something a little different . . . maybe a grilled (or smoked) Shepherd's Pie with little skewers of pearl onions. Just think what those potatoes will taste like with applewood smoke, home-ground beef and a cooking time of thirty minutes!

Got any better ideas?

Friday, August 6, 2010

It's Grilly-Grill Time!

Wow, I'm so proud of myself; I worked like a dog since 8 a.m. to make an Asian marinade for chicken thighs, made barbecue skewers for peppers and onions and shallots and spicy tomatoes and made potato salad (my specialty!) and Brigitte is going to make white Cuban rice (brought by me on a plane from Cuba!)

It's just too bad I have to work on this rickety Weber because I have to hide it all the time because we're not allowed grills in this condo, so I have all the safety equipment at hand -- spray bottle, gasoline, TNT . . . but wish me luck! I worked on the marinade alone for at least an hour. And wood chips are in the mix!

Yay! I'll try and take photos.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

I Am Not A Doctor.

But one of my bands was called "Four Out Of Five Doctors" and we always played with lab coats. Real lab coats.

But I play one on TV. I know the names of hundreds of meds and can pronounce them perfectly. Diphenhydramine hydrochloride? I know not only how to spell and pronounce it, I know its interactions and side effects. Fentanyl? Propofol? Michael Jackson?

So why not pass myself off as a doctor? Frankly, half the doctors I see seem to have got their degrees out of a Happy Meal.

So next time anyone asks me what I do I'm going to say "I'm a thoracic surgeon." Who the hell is going to argue with me except another thoracic surgeon? "Well, how was your last colonectomy?" "Oh, last week, doctor, and it was a great outcome! The colostomy bag is venting nicely."

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

When I was a Kid Part XVII (the sequel)

I was pretty much a miserable kid. My son sleeps next to me but in him I see our DNA. He's as skinny and miserable as I was when I was his age. Parents can be mean, even when they don't mean to be.

They abandoned me at boarding school in England and I had no choice, pal, no choice. Bye-bye, Nicky boy, guess who's going to abuse your ass today? D'you like English food? Because you're going to have it RAMMED UP YOUR FUCKING ASS. Oh, what, kippers and porridge don't agree with your sorry tired little ass? well guess what. FUCK YOU.

And I feel the same about my sorry son and the position he's been put in in Japan. You know how life goes in Japan? Do you KNOW HOW LIFE GOES IN JAPAN??

Fuck you. Shut up. Sit down. Fuck you. SIT THE FUCK DOWN, ASSHOLE.

THAT is how life goes in Japan.

And come to think of it, that's the way life went in the U of K, almost identical.

I just wanted so much better for Taishi . . .

Spicy Dill Pickle Recipe

Who the FUCK knew how many people were interested in a fucking pickle recipe? You fucking toads, just LEAVE ME ALONE. It's not fucking rocketry, here, shitheads! Yo, put the fucking pickles in vinegar, leave overnight, ready to eat! What are you? All autistic, are we? Can't fucking figure out how to FUCKING PEEL A CUCUMBER?

It's simply unbelieveable how many morons share our planet. MANY MANY. What are we now? Eight billion? Well 7.99999 % of that are morons.

So sorry. PAY ME FUCKING MONEY FOR THIS PRECIOUS SIMPLE RECIPE, moron.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

My Life as a Kid

I hate to exaggerate. No, I really do. But I just asked my 8-year-old son to wake up at 1 p.m. and take a bath so he could wake himself up.

But guess what it was like for me? I don't need to lie because reality conquers all. But they forced us in boarding school to wake up at 6:30 a.m., line up and take COLD SHOWERS in the winter.

I am JUST NOT KIDDING YOU, flock. They would have some officious prick watching over us to MAKE SURE WE GOT OUR HAIR WET. We went through a billion hoops to try to avoid this.

So a GODDAMN WARM BATH sounds mighty good to me.

But then again, I don't live in Nippon.

Monday, August 2, 2010

My House

My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole.
My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole and a dog in the yard.
My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole and a dog in the yard and a moose in a tree.
My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole and a dog in the yard and a moose in a tree and a bear in the pool
My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole and a dog in the yard and a moose in a tree and a bear in the pool and and a bug in the bed.
My house is a jolly old house
With a cat on the roof and mouse in a hole and a dog in the yard and a moose in a tree and a bear in the pool and and a bug in the bed and a chicken on the stove.