Pirating Music

Uhh, sorry . . . I thought for a second I was in 2002.

Did I pirate music? Hell yeah! I pirated everything that ever reached my iPod. When I had an iPod. Well, maybe not everything. I ripped as many CDs from my collection as I could stand before I became so nauseated at having to put Elton John's Greatest Hits (published in 1981) back in my music collection yet again. I mean, I love Elton John, but just how many times can you listen to Rocket Man until it just becomes a persistent earworm?

Hey, let me tell you something you might not be able to grasp: You can get bored of a music library of 50,000 songs. Yes, 50,000 songs can quickly become boring. Think about a library of 50,000 movies. Then think about every time you went to what used to be video rental stores (for the younger among you, these were places where you would actually go and RENT a physical representation of a movie, either on something called VHS or something called a DVD). You'd be confronted with rows upon rows upon racks upon racks upon shelves upon shelves of MOVIES YOU DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH.

Why anyone actually went to these places is still a mystery, but now, in the age of the 500 channels You Never Watch Because They're All Playing Dog The Bounty Housewives Of Long Island Whispering Hoarder Interventions CSI, I can kind of see where they might have come in useful: to steal money from you that you otherwise would have spent buying things called CDs.

So fuck, yeah, I was an ENTHUSIASTIC pirater of music back in 2002 or so. The funny thing was, though, all the Metallicas and Madonnas who got mad at us pirates . . . well, I NEVER EVER pirated their music. I only actually pirated music worth listening to. And I don't think Beethoven's Estate is going to get its knickers in a twist over the 400 millionth pirated downloading of the Jupiter Symphony.

My point today, though, is please, RIAA or Sony, PLEASE GO AHEAD and put up ALL YOUR CREATIONS FOR FREE on some website somewhere so that I can pirate it legally.

Because you know what? I don't want to any more. I don't want to pirate your new movies and I don't want to pirate your new music. In fact, if you dressed it in a pink ribbon and had it all, the WHOLE FUCKING CATALOG, delivered to me this afternoon in 14 floor-to-ceiling 18-wheelers filled with CDs, DVDs, Ray-Bans (sorry, BluRays), 3d, Director's Cut, Special Feature Extended Edition with Commentary from Our Lord Jesus Christ Saviour, well, I'd just have to tell you to TURN RIGHT ROUND AND HAUL IT ALL AWAY.

All of it, every single plastic atom of it, directly to the nearest landfill. Because out of the 786,098-odd movies and the 43,976,766, 812 music albums that you have produced since roughly November, 1993 are all completely unwatchable and unlistenable except to perhaps, dogs, who can hear beautiful tonalities we humans could never hope to hear, and bees who can see in wavelengths that reveal actual plots, dramas and gripping entertainment that to human eyes are completely absent from any movie you have made since then.

See, I don't WANT to pirate your garbage, I don't even want it for a paltry $1.99 from iTunes, you couldn't PAY ME ANY SUM IMAGINABLE to listen to the endless fountain of dreck that you produce, faithfully, day in, day out, or watch the mindless, puerile, inane drivel that emanates from your industrial backsides like Lucifer's flatus after having been scraped from the bottom of the Abyssal Plain at which depth not a single photon of light ever reaches.

You see, YOU HAVE RID THE WORLD of pirates such as me; through no actions of your own except doing what you do worst, we are a dying, lost species who will NEVER RISE AGAIN.

You have made the Pirate, that upstanding lover of all things that were good and listenable and watchable, EXTINCT. Now, may I rest in peace?

Hello Again, 1935 -- I thought You Never Left.

Y'know, before I met Brigitte I kind of didn't care one way or the other about the Israelis and their Arab tormentors; of course it was extremely easy to despise the Arabs because they were such vicious, senseless clods that reminded me of Nazis -- a LOT. My friend Charles and I  (he's the official voice of Mario of video-game fame and in his milieu, he's like a rock star) used to make disparaging jokes about the Arabs -- no, he isn't Jewish -- during that horrific period in the mid 80s when it seemed some atrocity against Jews was being perpetrated, whether it being suicide bombers in airport terminals or the day-in, day-out hijacking of public transport, be they planes, ships Hell, I was expecting the Space Shuttle to be hijacked, it was so bad.

Iran was just coming to the forefront of the Baddest of the Bad, and this wasn't just a ragtag bunch of Jew-haters, this was an entire nation swept up in hate; hate for the West, hate for Israel, hate for EVERYONE except themselves.

Does that not remind you of Germany, circa 1937? Anyway, Charlie and I would sing Christmas songs and put our own lyrics into them -- one of our party favorites was "The Ayatollah's Coming to Town."

But it was easy to hate the Arabs -- hell, it's STILL easy to hate the Arabs. And yeah, the usual disclaimer, not as INDIVIDUALS but as an ideology.

Still to me at the time, the Jews were annoying in that, in my primitive thoughts, they were ALWAYS fighting with the Arabs. Call it Middle East fatigue. I didn't pay too much attention, even to that wave of bus bombings and the the various intifadas, because it was so mind-numbing. The same old shit, day in, day out. You become incredibly desensitized to it -- it's like,"New rebel attacks in the Democratic of the Congo." It's like, WHO CARES any more? Who the fuck gives a shit about a bunch of crazy assed stoner tribesmen recruiting children and cutting each other's hands off? Tell me something NEW.

But after meeting Brigitte and seeing the day-to day contempt that is heaped on Jews and Israel by EVERYBODY, not just Arabs, it reminds me ever so much of 1935 and another era and I recall, through all my recent (well, five years now, at least) studies of Nazi Germany and the cult of Jew-hating, that yes, there are STILL PEOPLE TODAY who consider Jews "vermin" and that they should all be "Gassed" . . . it's a sick cliché until you realise what actually happened during World War II.

In fact, what happened is so truly horrific that I don't think most people's brains have the capacity to understand the mindless bestiality that extinguished so many lives so brutally . . . and that a lot of them WEREN'T EVEN JEWS. "Never again?" Don't you dare make me laugh.

But one needs to be reminded from time to time the cold horror that lurks within some people's minds even today -- and how easy it would be for some cultish orator to somehow bring a modern, civilised country under its thrall, and command it to go out and kill, kill, kill . . . the Jews.

Jacques "Petain" Fabi

If you are under the mistaken impression that it can't ever happen again in our "modern" society, then I urge you to listen to this. It's all in that patois that I still can't stand to listen to --"Country-fried" Quebec French -- but it doesn't take a translator to tell you what's being said. By a revered Quebec talk-show personality, no less, live on air. I always like to say, "If this exact conversation were about the blacks, there would be an uproar the size of which you can not imagine across the entire continent of North America.

Yet this little slice of obscenity will go unnoticed everywhere except in Quebec. It didn't even make the inside pages of this weekend's Gazette. But the words spoken and given tacit approval by a man who is  using public airwaves as his personal soapbox -- well, people, think about "Never again" again. It's happening RIGHT NOW, never mind "again."

For the benefit of non-French speakers, I paste the story from the National Post:

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MONTREAL – A veteran Quebec radio host nicknamed “the king of the night” is facing disciplinary action after he encouraged an anti-Semitic caller who declared the Holocaust to be “the most beautiful thing to happen in history.”

During his midnight to 5:30 a.m. broadcast on Cogeco’s 98.5 FM Thursday, Jacques Fabi, took a call from a woman identifying herself as Maria. She said she was of Arab origin and was distraught that her “brothers and sisters” were dying in Gaza.

She then invited Mr. Fabi to participate in a quiz, trying to guess what animal she was thinking of. When he guessed dog, she replied, “Exactly, it’s an Israeli” and laughed.

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She then asked him whether he knew about Hitler and the Holocaust. “For me, it was the most beautiful thing to happen in history,” she said.

Instead of cutting the line or confronting her, Mr. Fabi affirmed that she had the right to say what she had said but she should be careful.

“You know that here, in this democratic country, one can never say anything offensive against the Israelis, because it can be costly, you know,” he said. She said she did not care, and he said he finds it “annoying” that some topics are off limits. “You know, Madame, in this beautiful country we have freedom of expression, but one can never make negative comments, whatever their nature, against the Jewish people,” he said. “Otherwise there will be consequences.”

LISTEN TO THE AUDIO IN FRENCH. CALL STARTS AT ABOUT 2:30.(Source: Marto Napoli, 4h11 Radio Show on Radiopirate.com)

He said she was fortunate to benefit from anonymity as a caller to an open-line show. “I find it a real pain not be able to comment sometimes,” he said, noting that Montreal has a “pretty sizeable Jewish population” and that he sometimes finds their behavior “annoying.” He concluded by thanking her for her call.

The Quebec branch of the Centre for Israel and Jewish Affairs sent a letter Thursday demanding that disciplinary action be taken against Mr. Fabi, who began his radio career in 1972 in Sherbrooke. The letter said Mr. Fabi was an accomplice to the caller in spreading comments that promoted hatred and violence against Jews.

David Crête, a spokesman for 98.5 FM called the comments unacceptable. “Sanctions will be taken against Jacques Fabi,” he said, but as of Friday morning the exact nature of the punishment had not been determined.

Mr. Fabi’s show, Fabi la nuit, draws about 40,000 listeners and is heard on Cogeco stations across the province.

And I Thought it was a Remarkable Breakthrough

Potsy the Self-Printing Printer

Okay, I'm not feeling too well this morning, but on the BBC News website I was sure it said "Printer Creates Replacement Cartridge."

Now wouldn't that have been truly amazing? Almost like a printer "giving birth" to a baby printer. And why not? A machine actually propagating. Who would have thought of a printer that prints printer cartridges? THAT would have made headlines across the globe, now, don't you think?

I suppose if you have a printer printing diagrams upon how to build itself that would be close . . . but what about about a printer actually printing other printers that could print printers?

Then you'd truly have a machine race. Each individual's only function would be to print a copy of itself. And I guess if it printed two copies you'd be forced to call them twins.

I want one.

A View to a Kill

Watch as I masterfully destroy the computer in under two minutes.

Remember the Internet Café?

I'll bet you didn't even notice that they'd disappeared. But they have. Think about it. Does your local Starbucks or WiredCoffeeland have a little section in the back with those four greasy PCs all set up for you to leave your PayPal password on? Not any more.

But you don't even notice they'd disappeared! Ten short, short years ago, I frequented my local Second Cup at least three times a week. Ten years ago. That's a twinkling of an eye for someone my age. But back then, I NEVER saw a laptop. There was no reason to bring a laptop. I hardly ever, ever saw people talking on cellphones.

Now, if you walk into that same Second Cup, without fail, every single person or at least one person in every single group will be using a laptop or fiddling with an iPhone. Yes, an Apple laptop, or an Apple iPhone. I counted, the other day. 75% of the people in there had MacBooks or MacBook Airs. 90% of cellphone users were using iPhones.

Just think, if you're actually old enough, about that same Second Cup merely ten years ago. People were shuffling papers. Maybe thumbing through text books. Maybe just talking.

But now, every coffee shop bristles, just bristles with laptops and cell phones. Hardly anyone is talking, or if they are, it's over the screens of their laptops.

Does no one find this utterly surreal?

I'll extend this little scene to your typical airport. Look at that mighty pillar holding up the ceiling at regular intevals. It's the only thing around that has power outlets in it. And no, they weren't put there for you to recharge your electronic device. They were put there for the cleaner to plug in his non-portable electronic device, his vacuum cleaner.

Yet nowadays you'll see clusters of adults sitting on the floor around these things, typing away on their laptops.

I'm telling you, if I get on a plane next year and they don't have a power plug in the seat in front of me for my laptop, -- no sorry, iPad, because the seat pitch won't allow a real laptop any more -- I'll fucking raise Cain. I'll fucking DEMAND MY RIGHT to have a power outlet for my portable device, or it will be back to the gate for me.

And while I'm at it, FUCK those stupid little "entertainment systems" built into the backs of the seat in front of you. They do fuck all except get interrupted every time the captain wants to point out the Rockies "on your left side!" at midnight on the Redeye.

I'm perfectly happy with my very own portable entertainment center, thank you, with my 64 hard-drive-stored movies and twelve thousand albums. ALBUMS, not songs.

But just try to imagine what the coffee shop or airport lounge is going to look like 10 years from now. If it looks as different then as it looked ten years ago, I'll probably be thinking this blog post into my wedding ring while watching a movie on my thumbnail.

These People Have the Right Idea

When I die, I don't want people moping over me. I want them celebrating my life. If they mope, I'll most definitely come back to haunt them, in their dreams.

I'd love to have these as nightlights.

Wouldn't you?