Ed's TV

Oh boy, did I just dive headfirst into the deep end of digital doo-doo.

Having won an “EDTV-ready” 42” plasma TV on eBay (US$686.00 for a floor model! Not bad, eh?) I set about trying to find out how to mate it with the ready EDTV thingy that would make it officially EDTV-complete.

But just try to set about getting around to finding your way clear to doing that. There are more acronyms floating around in the jargon-enriched HDTV universe than microphytes in the Sargasso Sea. Absolute confusion reigns supreme. I consider myself extremely tech-savvy (though weighted more towards the computer spectrum than the consumer electronic) but the consortiums that be could not have made this HDTV business more difficult if they had worked at it 24 hours a day for all the light years to Alpha Centauri.

First of all, what the hell do you need to make a TV an EDTV TV when it was only an EDTV-ready TV before? After searching the Internet for an hour, I still only have a vague clue.

You need a Box — that much is clear. But what Box? Must it cost the same as my incredible bargain of a TV? Will I be able to even tell the EDTV difference with my rheumy, overworked eyes? Should I give a flying fuck?

Why, yes! For I am a tech warrior. I will not rest until my EDTV-ready TV has found its soulmate. I will toss and turn after turning the EDTV-ready TV off every night, constantly wondering: Is the picture as Good As It Can Possibly Be? If it is 480p now, won’t it be much, much better if it is 1080i? What is 1080i? How can I get 1080i? Is 1080i cheap? Will I be able to even tell the 1080i difference with my rheumy, overworked eyes?

And thus it will go, night after night.

And who is going to put this thing up on my wall? Certainly not me. But it must go on the wall! Everyone who’s anyone mounts their new EDTV-ready TV on the wall. No pedestrian IKEA box with casters for me. On the wall it must go! But how to hide the unsightly wires that will snake from it to the cable box, the DVD player, the VCR and the soon-to-be EDTV box? Why, drill a hole in the wall! Yes! But who will do it? Is there a dude who travels from house to house installing 69-pound plasma TVs on customers’ walls for a reasonable fee?

Will he know where to find the EDTV box?

Wish I were Ed—he must be making a fortune.