What would you do if you had a personal chef who was going to prepare your fantasy meal for you and a friend/partner?
No matter if you also cook. I mean, stuff you can’t or ordinarily wouldn’t cook in a home kitchen because it’s too difficult (wood-fired anything or charcoal-broiled anything) or something incredibly delicate, like things in phyllo or puff-pastry. Stuff that would take you 60 dirty dishes, a sous-chef and a garde manger to sort out.
Well, that prospect has recently been presented to me. I recently met the chef of an unnameable bistro in town and I’m saving $10 a day for an as-yet-unnamed occasion with someone I like, total $300, max, not including the wine/champagne/aperitifs etc. which we will pick ourselves.
But having met with the guy, an affable dude from British Columbia, last night, it appears only sane to EXCLUDE things from the menu and to let him go wild.
Don’t you think? He has at his disposal an industrial kitchen and all the tools. I don’t. No matter what I hoped to produce, I could never enter the scope of his realm, right?
So what remains in what I would like him to make for the $300?
I guess we have to start with what I DON’T want him to make, and the list is long. Over the past years, it’s really interesting to find out what so-called foodies/vegetarians/meatarians/blah-blah-blah airians won’t eat. Trust me, if you’re a fucking lacto-ovo-peso-begetarian carnivore I’ll bet there is still SOMETHING that makes your skin go numb.
So here is my embarrassment list. No, don’t try to educate me on the virtues of asparagus. Or zucchini. Yeah. I’ve eaten both and decided, well, there are MANY MORE FOODS in the world that I prefer.
Yeah, I’d like to see your “Foodie List of Shame”. I’m not a fucking foodie and I don’t pretend to be one on TV, even.
So here it is:
Don’t feed me:
Cooked fish (I love sushi, and shrimp is seafood)
Asparagus (never had it but would only trust in the most capable hands)
Artichokes (look disgusting)
Sweet potatoes (potatoes were made without sugar for a reason)
Squash of any kind (mealy, squishy, orange, overcooked, tasteless, need I go on?)
Eggplant (I can survive it if it’s done in some sort of tapenade, but it MUST BE DISGUISED)
Turnips (forget it)
Cardoons/ tofu yada yada, any bizarre vegetables popular with chefs seeking attention, like broccoli rabe, forget it
Strange meats, ie. not the normal version. No heart, kidneys, no fucking liver or derivatives
No lamb. Lamb in my experience is gamy and tough and just not worth the killing of a baby sheep. Let it live instead and permeate my insomnia.
Hmm. Many more, but my cup doth leak.
What would I tell said chef I like?
ON THE LIST
Shrimp
Beef
Chicken
Veal (depends)
Pork (depends)
Most veggies (not weird ones)
Mushrooms (all)
Creamy
SPICY
RICE
PASTA
GARLIC (Literally no limit)
ONIONS (Literally no limit)
More, but you?
hmmm what do i not want to be fed...?
ReplyDeletedon’t feed me:
ditto for the cooked fish. raw fish is the best! although i do love me some tuna sandwiches (yes, the stuff from the can, packed in oil)
agreed on the sweet potatoes.
not a big fan of squash either, but i do like spaghetti squash. it's yummy with herbed butter or even *gasp* spaghetti sauce.
artichokes are only ok when put in my very popular spinach & artichoke cheese dip :)
ditto for the eggplant. must be disguised!
i have nothing against kidneys and liver (it's good in turkey stuffing), but i admit that so far, i haven't been a fan of foie gras.
i would like to avoid oddly coloured vegetables such as orange broccoli or purple potatoes...
i'm sure my list is a lot longer, i just can't think of anything this early in the morning.
All this talk about food, and no pictures, sure makes appeal to one's imagination and taste buds :)
ReplyDeleteRemember to kiss the chef!
Don't worry there . . . I'll take lots of pictures!
ReplyDeleteAnd julie, we seem to have pretty similar likes/dislikes except for the internal organ quotient.
Tonight's menu: chicken tandoori burgers (fresh ground, of course) in pitas . . .
I can handle almost any food, except liver. Can't people tell it even smells like poison? What a waste of onions.
ReplyDeleteI'm jazzed to hear you don't like weird vegetables. Now I won't feel quite so guilty when I go to the market and pass by all those giant strange things I've never tried.
Nah, you don't have to try them to know you don't like them. During my vegetable period I actually tried fiddleheads and discovered that they . . . tasted just like green beans. Bland and a bit crunchy. So why should I try every vegetable on this planet? MOST of them are bland and crunchy/mushy/mealy. So there is absolutely no reason to expand my vegetable repertoire. Most, and I say, most people on this planet are terrible cooks and I'm pretty sure the first time I eat asparagus it will have been made badly.
ReplyDeleteThanks, I'll stick to my collection of vegetables.
And I'll never eat anything that has digested or filtered something recently.
Wow. That's a big list of dislikes for a chef! :-)
ReplyDeleteMe? Just don't give me octopus or snails. Or beef.