Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Osama Personally Ruined My Life

It's quite true, and it's why I harbor a special affection for the guy that blew Osama's left eye out of his smirking head. I really want to meet that guy (God willing, as Osama might say!) and just give him a firm shake of the hand and say "But how did it FEEL to blow that fuckwad away?" He'll obviously shake his young head, look away and say "It was just my job."

Yeah, well it was MY job that Osama the Dead Terrorist took away from me. Yes, he PERSONALLY took it away from me.

By crashing those planes into the twin towers he erased my job as graphic designer for Air Canada. Of course in the climate of the day they couldn't afford to look like they were spending any extra money for advertising or calendars or anything like that. So I got axed.

Osama, I hope Hell is very, very hot. I hope that every day you wake up before you went to sleep and see a constant movie of your sons and daughters being skewered by demons. While being skewered by demons. Especially your asshole, Osama, because it defines everything you were.

I hope you're being eternally flayed by rusty razor blades, that when you run out of skin you grow a new one that's the same putrid boil-infested mess as the one you wore in life, that all the victims of 9/11 are lined up, eternally, armed with a motley assortment of kitchen tools and metal things that will make you shriek anew every time, even though it's been done to you a thousand times over, because in the skewering, flaying, beating and torturing they've used the experience to learn new tricks and make it new every single time.

Fuck you, Osama bin Laden. I'll be sure to join you in Hell, but I'll be the one with no job and lots and lots of time to think about new and exotic ways to cause you pain.

And trust me on this: I'll be very, very creative.

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