Make my life easier . . . please

Speaking of kitchen gadgets, I was able to try out two during my recent trip to California. Who can resist some offbeat invention that promises, in some vague way, to alleviate the stress of some odd but tedious chore that most of us never really remark upon from day to day but actually bugs the hell out of us?

I know I can’t.

The first was the ChopWizard. You know this motherfucker better be good because it has the name “wizard” in it—magic will be performed at the drop of a cone-shaped hat. It better fucking be, thought I.

Plus, these dudes have the gumption to call themselves “Vidalia,” as if they have some magic connection to sweet onions.

Spare me. First, spare me the noisy website, but second, spare me the ChopWizard. They trumpet on and on how you’ll chop an onion in seconds, but frankly, it’ll be the longest, most frustrating seconds of your life; hiring a personal chef would be less hassle.

I placed my half a peeled onion dutifully on the metal grid and did the “quick, forceful chop” that seems to be required.

A fucking elephant seems to be required as far as any chopping goes. I literally had to do a small leap in the air with both hands on the chopping lid to make any headway, then leap again several more times.

The dice that resulted was very nice, very square, but energy expended x trying to clean the fucking thing = goddamnit.

The second device was much more successful: truly one of the most happy kitchen gadgets ever made. This guy should win an Oscar of kitchen devicery.

It’s the OneTouch can opener. Literally, I put this motherfucker on a can, turned it on and walked away and a few seconds later there was a sharp-edge-free opened can sitting waiting for me to deal with it. I can imagine a busy kitchen with a bunch of cans of tomatoes to open just assembling two dozen of these bastards and turning them loose.

Sweet.