On Spidey Silk and Other Matters

I’m not the guy who’s going to ruin your movie experience in the theater, the dork who keeps whispering, cackling and commenting behind you.

No, I’m not that guy. Because I very rarely go to see movies in the theater. I wait to rent them. No, I’m that guy right next to you on the bed watching the movie on my 42” Plasma with Surround Sound.

I have a somewhat early memory of watching “The Shining” on VHS, one of the earliest rental videos that ever existed, and trust me, almost the whole block was over at the house to watch it. But I couldn’t stop myself. “What’s he doing? Who’s that in the background? Are the ghosts going to kill him? This isn’t like the book.”

My very own brother threatened out loud to silence me forever.

Flash forward: The Bourne Supremacy, with Brigitte. And the usual mantra, only much more sophisticated.

“Wow, he’s limping like a motherfucker from that botched jump. But how does he keep maintaining those razor-sharp sideburns? How come he doesn’t put on a fake beard and wear sunglasses to throw off the CIA assassins? Umm . . . he walks around half the world with no bag, no accoutrements whatsoever . . . what, he just wanders from hotel to hotel (well, make that “flees” from hotel to hotel) with no personal possessions whatsoever, not even a decent pair of sunglasses, other than what he’s wearing? How does he DO that?

“And is he a bottomless pit of money? It seems that his wallet is a personal printing press of greenbacks. Unless he’s charging everything — so where do his bills go? I’ve never, ever seen him, throughout this entertaining trilogy, profess to have a fixed address.”

Well, you get the picture. By this time, Brigitte is crawling the walls.

But now I have a different set of questions. Spiderman, the comic version. I’m sure you’ve all read it.

You remember all those panels where Spidey is on the move. Wham! Out comes his Spidey Silk from the heel of his hands. He leaps tall buildings with ease, always landing neatly on some rooftop.

But how come his Spidey Silk always attaches to something outside the frame? What, he’s gluing himself onto a cloud? Otherwise, he’d just find himself coming face to face with a huge concrete fly swatter.

How do they explain that? Huh? He shoots his silk at a cloud? Huh?