A Kinder, Gentler Me

Is that what you want, Flock? Are you sick and tired of the invective, the sheer venom, the hurling of random insults like rocks in Tahrir Square? Are you just absolutely fed up with reading my rants about religion, old people and Germans? And elderly German priests? And elderly German priests who abuse small children and are named Ratzinger?

(Well, I certainly don't know what led to that outburst -- sometimes I'm convinced that my hands are autonomous and occasionally they just type whatever they feel like at the moment. Completely beyond my control).

Well, let me tell you, there is hope for you! Yes, I'm entering a self-imposed regimen of niceness. The next time I'm in the grocery store and some dazed minion blocks the aisle with his cart while he tries to find a can of Campbell's Hungry Man soup, I will refrain from cursing under my breath and almost knocking over the display stand of Creme Eggs in an attempt to get around him.

The next time I pick Aisle 3 checkstand, I will purposely not notice that the woman two people in front of me has white hair, and a bag so full of stuff that it's going to take her four minutes just to locate the small purse of loose change that she intends to pay with.

I will not roll my eyes to the cashier. I will not stand there, regretting that I've already put my groceries on the belt and that putting them back in my cart and going to another checkstand would be churlish.

No, the new me WILL NOT DO ANY OF THAT. I will type "f**k" instead of FUCK. I will spell it a$$hole. I will hold my breath and count to twenty before impaling the computer mouse with a fork because it says "Batteries are low." In short, a completely changed human being. No more rants, just recipes.

I will type things about food, and about Montreal. That's what the title says, isn't it? I seem to have lost my original mandate on all too many an occasion, Flock. But now I repent. I will be kind, I will be gentle.

I'm already thinking about my next post. Do you like kittens? I do too. I think I'll write about kittens next time.

I think you will like the new Nick, Flock. I'm going to be taking up macramé, even though I don't know what that is. I'll pay my taxes on time. Cursing will be a thing of the past.

I WILL FORCE MYSELF TO LIKE GERMANS.