Red Alert: Space Junk Too Large to Ignore

I don't know if you've been reading the astrophysics journals lately, like I have (Hell, I have properties on Jupiter and Pluto -- of course I read 'em all!) but if you have, you'll have noticed that there's a fair bit of alarm going among astronomical circles about all that space junk floating around, practically right above our heads in near-Earth orbit. This means pieces of titanium over one centimeter square, hurtling at over 25,000 miles per hour, easily enough to dent an astronaut's suit who's floating around in an EVA (Extra-vehicular-activity) -- which as you can imagine, could be catastrophic. Imagine your whole body being sucked through of a hole the size of a dime! Of course, you'd be instantly frozen into a 50-foot long extra-thick linguine.

But apparently there's a new threat: there's something orbiting the Earth that's much, much larger than a small piece of titanium that scientists have been aware of for a while now, but in recent years have apparently forgotten about. That would be the International Space Station.

International Space Station (ISS)

Apparently, forgetting about it doesn't mean it's no longer there! Yes, even the roving bands of homeless astronauts who haunt what remains of Cape Canaveral still remember -- and now fear -- this huge, $96 billion, 4,780-tonne behemoth still circling our skies in an ever-increasingly-descending orbit.

It's estimated that this thing will first be brushing the outer edges of our atmosphere on April 12 of this very year. The scientists don't know exactly where it will land, but they have said that it has enough fuel in one of its tanks to actually direct it towards a spot -- any spot that we desire. Apparently we have the following choices:

a) George W. Bush's house in Lubbock, Texas

b) George W. Bush's mother's house in Gainseville, Alabama

c) George W. Bush's brother Jeb's car, somewhere on the road between Altoona, Pennsylvania and Lubbock, Texas

and

d) George W. Bush's dog, Saddam's kennel.

Apparently all it will take is a small PayPal donation payable to me, to make this happen. Email me for further instructions!