Letter to my Brother

Geoff,

Well,

What can I say? It's a hard space to wrap one's head around and it's going to take a good long while. After all, I do prowl a space that Dad occupied in my memory for so long. This apartment has just acquired another ghost. I guess we all have to rally somehow. I have an idea how you feel but we have to protect the ones who might feel worse than us -- namely Mother and Laurie. Not that I don't feel bad -- the world seems to have suddenly spiralled out of its orbit.

It's so incredibly horrible but I get by by just doing day-to-day things. I break down quite often, but even that shall pass.

I really appreciate everything you and Verna and Charlie and Sue are doing. I must admit that the coward in me didn't want to come and watch Father go through it. Purely a cowardly reaction. Typical me, eh?

Anyway, I know that you're as devastated as any of us. It reduces us to just four now. We have to take care of each other carefully now. I really hope you're doing okay. I know how many burdens you're bearing and in comparison, I have none. I know how you always bear up.

But as impossible as it might seem, (and I still haven't come to terms with it, and never will) we've lost our father, so now we have to concentrate on Mother.

I wish I were there to help. I so wish I could help in some capacity. I feel like a useless piece of shit. But I know that I only would have been a hindrance -- you had everything in hand.

I know you're going through your own personal trials and tribulations. I read the news. But now we have to come together for Mother's sake, if nothing else. I'll fly out there on a moment's notice on a single command.

It's so unimaginable that it's going to take so long for me . . . I'm sorry to be weak and to have to make you strong. We spent so many days in school together and went through those struggles together when we really didn't want to have to. We didn't have any choice at the time. Chris too.

But now we really have to band together and protect ourselves . . . I know what a struggle you've had these past few years, and recent events just add up to make it the Year From Hell, but somehow we should rise from the ashes and try to preserve our "familiness." It's only you me, Laurie and Mother now.

I'm crying uncontrollably as I write this but that, too shall pass. Do your best, Geoff; I'm with you and your sweet family and I have a tyke of my own whom I have to look after and can't forget.

I feel really, really bad right now and can't disguise it and I'm sure you do too, but we'll be okay. Everything will be okay.

Love

Nick