Tuesday, July 6, 2010

It Took Me Fifty Years

To realise that I don't like being controlled. Just a supreme dislike. I remember when I was teaching English in Japan one day, and my student was a new student, a young girl of maybe seventeen. But all of a sudden, I realised that I had to be there, HAD TO BE THERE for 40 minutes.

You can't believe what panic that triggered. I thought, no, FAILING here is not a possibility, this young girl is no threat, so why am I panicking?

Now I know, but it's taken years to know. Because when I was a child, every single situation I was in was strictly controlled, often by people who in another life would be total strangers.

So after a while I would begin to dislike control, where the thought of having -- HAVING -- to be in any situation that was in someone else's control was exceedingly uncomfortable.

Just the fact that I'm typing this at 1:42 a.m. on a weekday is testament to the fact that I know I don't have to get up at some point tomorrow. That I don't have to report to a boss. THAT I'M SIMPLY NOT IN BOARDING SCHOOL ANY MORE!

But it's taken me 52 years to come to that revelation.

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