Words Of Wisdom

What To Do Do In An Emergency

I’m not Marcus Welby, but here’s some advice to preserve yourself in an emergency (hint: before I go any further, email the guy who invented the Jaws of Life and become somewhat chummy with him).

1. You’ve walked onto a pond in the middle of a bitter cold snap and you’ve fallen through the ice. What do you do? There is no miracle rescuer in sight.

Here’s what you do: try to not flail around. Flailing around depletes precious body heat. Unfortunately, it also keeps you afloat. So don’t flail around. Just drown faster than you would have otherwise.

2. Your plane has just crashed on land; there are dozens of bleeding and wounded, many small children among them. Your solution: take on your most fearsome resolve, and LEAP OVER THEM TO THE EXIT nearest you. Then help them by standing at least 200 yards away from the burning wreckage and discreetly weep into a handkerchief while checking and rechecking the contents of your carry-on.

3. You are camping with your wife. You are several hours away from any official services. Your wife wakes up in the middle of the night and says “I have to go, honey”.

You never hear from her again. Well, duh, she told you she was going, didn’t she?

4. You’re rock-climbing in Yosemite. You’re determined to do Half-Dome. Unfortunately, at a crucial ledge, where you’re clinging on for dear life, someone above you has accidentally dislodged a small boulder. And guess what? You’re looking up.

5. You’re making pizza in your dilapidated oven — some premade crap — and you accidentally forget about it. While watching Jeopardy you suddenly smell a smell. And it’s not a good one.

You rush to the kitchen while noticing that the smoke alarm that you haven’t replaced the battery for for eight years is not going off, while clouds of smoke are filling the kitchen.

You hastily go for the natural thing: you fill a pan full of water and open the oven door and throw the whole thing in. Later, much, much later, you don’t forget to send a thank-you card to the folks at the burn unit.

6. Last but not least, you leave your car to take pictures closer to the lions.